Rob Delaney is many things. He”s a comedian with a devoted Twitter flock and an online comedy special. He”s a trained singer who sometimes performs at Major League Baseball games. And he”s an individual I would absolutely vote for in any political election, without even examining his platform, simply because he looks like he should be President. I asked Rob Delaney five totally stupid questions and he was kind enough to answer them — and now the world finally knows the difference between an alligator and a crocodile.
What”s your favorite bad song of all time?
Rob Delaney: I don’t really believe in guilty musical pleasures. If I like it, it’s good to me. I secretly listened to Paula Abdul in my sister’s room when I was a teenager wearing Misfits shirts, but now I’ll listen to it in public and you can blow me.
Explain the difference between an alligator and a crocodile, please.
Without looking it up, alligators have a wider head and crocodiles have a skinnier one. Alligators are in Florida and crocodiles are in Egypt. Who knows what the hell’s going on in Australia? Crocodiles, I suppose, since his name isn’t Alligator Dundee.
You have the chance to eliminate any one food item from the earth. What do you pick?
If I could get rid of one food it would be capers. What the fuck are they? Salt balls that grew in a swamp. Fuck them and you if you like them or put them anywhere near me.
What”s the most recent thing that made you really angry?
The most recent thing that made me really angry was the half-cocked vigilantes who thought they’d ID’d one of the Boston Marathon bombers and it was just some kid from Brown who had disappeared a month earlier and we now know for sure had nothing at all to do with the bombing. [Ed. Note: The student, Sunil Tripathi, has unfortunately since been found dead of an apparent suicide.] But his name was already blasted all over the world as “the guy” because some cunt internet wannabe sleuths were sloppy, lazy and bloodthirsty. It’s “fun” to take action in the wake of a tragedy and “be a hero” but fuck yourself 1000 times forever if you make an already horrible situation worse by acting hastily. Certainty in general is an execrable quality and in sensitive times, it’s even worse. It would bring me great joy to slap those assholes in the face with a big soft whale penis.
Name Kim Kardashian”s unborn child.
Kim Kardashian’s unborn child will be named Tylenol Fartwagon.