Shark Week stuff: Ranking the 10 greatest sharks in movie history

08.05.13 4 years ago 7 Comments

This is not a ranking of shark movies, this is a ranking of the sharks in the movies themselves. And don't you even try to argue that these monstrous critters don't have totally distinct and identifiable personalities, because I will absolutely sick the Sharktopus on you.

1. The “Jaws” shark: There really can't be any debate about who takes the caked-on-blood as the greatest movie shark of all time. Quite clearly, it's the monster from “Jaws,” without whom there wouldn't even be a shark movie genre. Although this mofo was mostly played by a few basso profondo notes written by John Williams, a mechanical version of him still terrifies* tourists on the Universal Studios tram tour.

*at least those tourists who take the ride stoned

2. Bruce from “Finding Nemo”: The great-white fishaholic with the Cockney accent is one of this beloved movie's most hilarious characters. Even when his blood lust gets the better of him, you can't help but want to hug the guy — with a 10-foot-pole, made of spikes and Ketamine.

Bruce is just really trying to better himself, you know?

3. The sharks from  “Open Water”: The sharks in the horror thriller “Open Water” are brutal and persistent. Really, they're the brooding type more than the jump-out-and-stop-your-heart type. Like the Robert Pattinsons of sharkies.

4. Sharktopus from “Sharktopus”:  SyFy's older brother to “Sharknado,” and an animal I hope will one day truly exist. I feel confident saying that on a list of the greatest octopuses from movie history, Sharktopus would rank even higher than #4.

5. Lenny from “Shark Tale”: How can a shark played by Jack Black not be awesome? Especially if he's a vegetarian with gentle sensibilities. And Robert De Niro as mob-shark Don Lino ain't too shabby either.

6. The collective sharks from “Sharknado” and “Sharknado 2”: How psychotic would it be if I had picked out one specific shark from “Sharknado” for this list? Okay, fine, I have: It's Tara Reid.

7. The baby shark from “Jaws 3-D”: This poor little guy, suspected of wreaking havoc inside an enormous water park, meets a terrible fate of the stone-cold-death variety. But before that happens, he's small and adorable! Now, who wants a baby shark?

Bonus fact: one of the writers of the “Jaws 3-D” is named Guerdon Trueblood.

8. The great white from “Bait”: The shark in the 2012 flick “Bait,” a movie about a group of people trapped inside a supermarket after a freak tsunami floods the place, gets a ton of screen time. Plus, he's an Australian shark, so his teeth-gnashing accent is hilarious.

9. The tiger shark from “Soul Surfer”: First of all, points for being a breed of shark other than a great white. Also some credit is due to this guy having to play a character based on a real shark. Plus, that arm-bite was pretty damn gruesome. A solid #9!

10. The shark from “Jaws: Revenge”: An intelligent and vindictive shark who stalks a family to exact his revenge? The movie itself has a remarkable 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, but the sharkie himself is pretty excellent. Blood, gore, and nonsensical plots is what Shark Week's all about!

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