The first (and probably last) time a sharknado actually FIXED something. #Sharknado5 pic.twitter.com/w7i51joQoZ
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
While most of the world was enthralled with a giant dragon burning thousands of men alive on Game of Thrones, a small section of the TV-viewing population was embracing a different kind of chaos. One that was slightly damper and without any sense of direction — a sharknado. Sharknado 5 graced SyFy, and it featured a potpourri of D-list celebrity appearances and strange uses of physics. It seemed like one hell of a time.
So here’s what you missed, courtesy of the Sharknado Twitter account. We’re going to try to piece this into a coherent story together clip by clip without watching the full movie, the way it was meant to be.
The first tweet shows hallway walking, then reveals Clay Aiken, and he drinks martinis while cleaning his shoes or something.
Live from London it's… @ChrisKattan?
So this is what he's been up to. #Sharknado5 pic.twitter.com/vCMVEp8K8A
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
No spoilers but @ClayAiken is about to become one of Gil's IDOLS 🎶🎶🎶 #Sharknado5 pic.twitter.com/dDBMQCDRFU
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
A wall of spikes are determined to be aesthetically unpleasing:
That's a shame, #Findiana has such a nice ring to it…#Sharknado5 pic.twitter.com/x5PLLXqfam
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
Bungie cord references are made, then finally the action ramps up, with the Sharknado seemingly developing around Stonehenge to ruin the day of the beautiful women who were taking in the historical landmark:
20 years later and you still can't beat the bungee cord for impossible missions. #Sharknado5 pic.twitter.com/tXovnySZer
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
Not even this weather girl could see this storm coming. @IAmYanetGarcia, gracias por tu servicio 🌪#💀Sharknado5 pic.twitter.com/yEadp1weay
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
Too blessed to be stressed, but then CHOMP. #Sharknado5 #RHOA cc: @Porsha4Reals pic.twitter.com/bm9UgCgHWh
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
Judging by the description of this tweet, a member of the Royal Family gets his leg bitten off then Bret Michaels gets hit by a double decker bus*.
Guess who's getting picked last at the next royal soccer match 🙃 #Sharknado5 pic.twitter.com/Wf7ggs3wF1
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
Double Decker ALERT! That bandana should've been reflective @BretMichaels 🚍🚨 #Sharknado5 pic.twitter.com/7UqzRJvgQe
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
Then a little kid gets sucked away by what I assume, through context clues, is the fifth sharknado. Very sad. Luckily, a crown is found and this lady in pink is relieved. It ended up being in the last place they looked!
Nova, you had ONE job 😳 ✋🌪 #Sharknado5 pic.twitter.com/sBz31S3QIV
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
You might wanna give that 👑 a vigorous cleaning before putting it on… #Sharknado5 pic.twitter.com/RvWy1g7R0U
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
There’s helmet talk, then a woman gets her head bitten off. Terrible. This is a travesty, this sharknado.
Sometimes it's mother's intuition. Other times it's a tracking device in a shark helmet. #Sharknado5 pic.twitter.com/GKBh8nQMYD
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
Nooo, Miss @abby_lee_miller!! Saving the tears for our pillow. #Sharknado5. 😭 💥 pic.twitter.com/q5cnyR6ilH
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
Tara Reid throws a helicopter. Is that her character’s name? Is she playing herself?
“She’s like #WonderWoman… but shorter and blonder.” @TaraReid is CRUSHING #Sharknado5 pic.twitter.com/ZEtR4tpDTM
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
A figure skater uses a shark’s momentum against it in a Bruce Lee “be like water” moment. Hopefully the world begins training and mobilizing more figure skaters for when the inevitable sixth sharknado terrorizes us all.
That moment your illusion spin turns into the Nado Slay. @SashaCohenNYC for the win!! 🙌 ⛸ 🦈 #Sharknado5 pic.twitter.com/pr5PtKbH0P
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
Sled dogs are set free.
You gotta get creative when trying to get inside a 'Nado 🏂 #Sharknado5 pic.twitter.com/fepYBGuO9k
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
Now there’s what might be a secret society that features a single stripper. Is that the stripper or the leader of the secret society or both? I don’t know.
Traveling pants. Shark slayers. Sisterhoods are sisterhoods.
…strippers included. #Sharknado5 pic.twitter.com/X8UkCFvulC
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
Anyone else have chills that are multiplying? #Sharknado5 pic.twitter.com/8eZsrVayru
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
Tony Hawk is here to do what he can, while sharks are getting bounced off the sides of fully-loaded sedans as Pope Fabio looks on.
We're bringing in the big guns.
That's right, @tonyhawk is taking on #Sharknado5! pic.twitter.com/mPsZwz8UsN
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
Only the most epic car chases can take you from one continent to another 🇧🇷 🚘 🇮🇹 #Sharknado5 pic.twitter.com/jM0p2L7Rff
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
You could say this moment has us feeling #blessed 🙏 #Sharknado5 pic.twitter.com/tGujeiKBUB
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
Possibly in the Vatican, a chainsaw is lifted triumphantly in the air, which is really the only way to lift a chainsaw.
Fin better be careful. These storms are scrappy and hungry, too ⭐️ 🦈 🌪😏 #Sharknado5 pic.twitter.com/P1zdGvlBDx
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
All the main characters die?
NOTHING can break the bond of family.
Oops, spoke to soon. It appears #Sharknado5 can very easily do that 👪 🌪 pic.twitter.com/1yq6TgTYQS
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
No, they’re alive. But now they’re fighting a sentient cloud of constantly-moving sharks? Fine.
Sharkzilla is the literal spinoff we've all been waiting for 😂 🙌 #Sharknado5 pic.twitter.com/6s4yaix3DH
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
Kathie Lee shows up and she’s not being mean to Bill Nye. Al Roker steps up to the plate and defends the studio, which he’s contractually obligated to do in such a scenario.
This kind of breaking news calls for full 🍷 glasses, right @KathieLGifford and @Hodakotb? #Sharknado5 pic.twitter.com/IAABPdqSTO
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
We'd say @AlRoker just hit a home run, but we don't do cheesy material. ⚾️ 🦈 💥 #Sharknado5 pic.twitter.com/QTzWKGYf23
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
A low-budget movie like Sharknado 5 relies on product placement, but does this guy really get coverage in wherever he is? Who is his provider? Nice quality there, a little unrealistic probably.
The @Xfinity Stream app will keep you up-to-date with breaking news on all the 'nados… and other things, too! #Sharknado5 #ad pic.twitter.com/vR3CeauNzF
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
Wow, not even billboards are safe with these wild ‘nados. Sorry, @Xfinity. We’ll get you a new one! #Sharknado5 #ad pic.twitter.com/AF8RLbkzek
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
Matt is dead, you guys. It seems like this is the end of the movie, and some of the main characters sacrifice themselves with a giant, purple explosion that rids the world of the latest sharknado.
At least Matt went out a hero 😭 ❤️ #Sharknado5 @CodyLinley pic.twitter.com/y2YNHGJ2L5
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
Interesting choice for your last words… 🤔🤔🤔 #Sharknado5 @Masiela pic.twitter.com/MShTu0E8YH
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
Is this bad? This looks bad. 🆘🆘 #Sharknado5 pic.twitter.com/8DN3vrlEr8
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
In the end, only #branding and Dolph Lundgren remain, just like real life.
Hey, @Xfinity 👋 IS it awesome? We're terrified. 🦈 🌪 #Sharknado5 #ad pic.twitter.com/wfsRwUMPns
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
Kids grow up so fast these days. Welcome back to the present, future Gil. #Sharknado5 pic.twitter.com/Vl1sy7YQ56
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
Then they fly away like in Back to the Future for some reason. The end. We’re all better people for experiencing another Sharknado.
And where they're going is…to be continued!
Thanks for watching and tweeting with us! 🦈 🌪🌎 #Sharknado5 pic.twitter.com/AlOwYnqXYH
— Sharknado (@SharknadoSYFY) August 7, 2017
*Sharknado 5 did not appear on Bret Michaels’ official filmography on Wikipedia.