‘Sleepy Hollow’ – America’s ‘Magnum Opus’ was hoarding important apocalyse artifacts

11.25.14

FOX

Last week was an Abbie-centric episode where we finally got to see her and Jenny interact with their mom. Of course, Mrs. Mills was embodying the “cryptic messenger” trope, so the family reunion was laced with unnecessary terror and miscommunication. So, a pretty standard family gathering.

This week, the gang returns to the task at hand. Moloch – and certain doom – are barreling down on the world. They”ve got to gear up for the “Magnum Opus.”

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No nightmare cold open this week. Instead we get the other, far more delightful opening where Ichabod and Abbie do something with modern technology, causing the curmundgeon in Crane to come out. This time? A friendly game of Head”s Up charades using their phones. Abbie”s clue is Crane “Cannot tell a lie,” which leads to outrage by Ichabod because his BFF George Washington lied ALL THE TIME. 

“Whatever, Colonial Mythbuster,” chides Abbie, voice of the audience.

This attempt to trick their subconsciousnesses (that is one awkward word) into making sense of the Mills family journal is cut short when Katrina pops in via mirror call. This is the first time the gang has heard from her since she went back “undercover” and it”s not good news. Katrina hasn”t managed to kill Moloch because murdering evil children is wrong or hard or something. Suck it up, girl.

Katrina warns that Moloch is days away from reaching maturity and her hands are tied. Truly, TRULY the most inept witch of her age, you guys.

Abbie is like “Back to the drawing board, we gotta find this weapon my mom said was hidden in the pages but couldn”t be bothered to tell us exactly where and oh my God, I hate this obtuse bullshit.”

Unbeknownst to our heroes, Henry”s mirror has a redial function. Exposition Library is compromised! Sound the drudge siren! The Horseman of War is able to eavesdrop as Abbie and Ichabod finally puzzle through the myriad of steps needed to find the weapon. Nothing is ever easy.

Speaking of difficult situations, Abbie gets an alert that Reyes is hot on the trail of Captain Frank Irving, Escaped Convict. Abbie texts Jenny to let her know the cops are setting up checkpoints and to be safe, since Jenny is transporting Irving across the border to Canada. I hope Abbie was using a burner phone or that warning is gonna come back to bite her in the ass.

One anagram, distorted drawing, political cartoon, and epiphany that America might have been founded as a by-product of preparing for the Apocalypse later, we arrive at the solution to all our Moloch woes. The Witnesses must find the sword of Methuselah. Luckily, like all major artifacts pertaining to the End Times™, it”s located in Sleepy Hollow. You cannot throw a rock in this county without hitting a priceless mythical artifact.

There is one catch: prophecy states in order to wield the sword of Methuselah, one must “Know yourself of perish.” Crane pretty much says, “Um, so maybe I shouldn”t touch it then,” and I concur because this is a man who latches onto the viewpoints of loved ones like an opinion leech.

Back in the Carriage House, Henry congratulates himself on being clever enough to let Katrina use the mirror. Now he and Death know what the plan is and can stop the heroes. Sure dawn is approaching, but that”s not War”s problem. Abraham had best just ride faster to get to the sword first.

DAMMIT, KATRINA.

Despite our fugitives taking a road supposedly checkpoint free, there”s one anyway. Irving isn”t surprised; the cops are widening the net. Jenny the Genre Savvy keeps a spare burner phone in her glovebox though, so armed with a means of communication Irving bails out of the moving car. They”ll meet up on the other side.

Not gonna lie, I”d watch a show just about the hyper-competent adventures of Jenny and Irving.

Following the map laid out by Ben Franklin, Abbie and Ichabod have reached the point where 'X' marks the spot. But there”s a whole of nothing…until Abbie sees the ruins from her vision last week. Turns out Mrs. Mills wasn”t in Victorian London OR ancient Rome; she was singing eerie lullabies in the wilds of New England. 

Suddenly, a wild Headless Horseman appears! He uses “Can”t see shit.” It”s super effective! The Scooby gang hides in the bushes while Abraham curses his lack of eyes. But he has bigger problems. Dawn is coming, so murdering his friend-turned-foe must wait. Headless dismounts to enter the ruins and I instantly want our heroes to steal his horse. But sadly, it is not to be. Instead Abbie sneaks up the back while Ichabod pleads for restraint. Just let the UV Rays get him, seems to be Crane”s argument.

Abbie is having none of that nonsense and spies on Abraham. The Horseman of Death is engaged in a bout of vandalism. He”s stealing property like a teenage hooligan. Abbie”s a terrible spy and knocks a brick loose, turning the unseeng gaze of Death upon her. Uh, oh.

For once, Crane gets to play the hero, distracting his estranged friend while Mills escapes. Ichabod runs about twenty feet and dives behind the rocks, winded. Time to add in some cardio, dude. The mood lightning vanishes just in time for the sun to rise. Abraham is forced to retreat, steaming like a plate of fajitas. 

Ichabod Crane, the only human on Earth who actually uses the Sunrise/Sunset part of his phone”s weather app.

The dust up has shaken Crane”s confidence. He knows he will perish if he touches the sword because he doesn”t know himself at all. His entire identity is owed to Abraham.

Flashback time. Ichabod and Abraham exchange fencing barbs and friendly banter. They”re clad in white because A) fencing and B) to visually signify we”re in a more innocent time. Abraham is egging his friend into joining the British army and heading to America with him. Ichabod tentatively agrees.

We move on to a flashforward inside the flashback. Meta. Ichabod and Abraham share drinks and discuss their recent defection to the American rebels. Abraham promises soon Ichabod will have all the things he does: money, power, and a buxom wench to keep him warm. Oh, so I guess this is pre-Katrina…or not. I”d like to say I”m surprised Abraham was cheating on Katrina with wenches, but I”m not.

In the present, Abbie basically demands her partner get it together because there”s a mystery to solve and Headless stole the clue. But Abbie got a look at it and phew, Ichabod recognizes the symbol. The Templars” snake eating its own tail is a very liberal interpretation of a circle and a less than sign, but sure. After a few minutes of wanton destruction of yet another historical site, a spiral staircase into the deep, dark Earth is revealed.

Down we go!

On the way down, all I can think is these guys need bigger flashlights. But then it doesn”t matter because they”re gonna die. The cavern is filled with human statues, so clearly they need to vacate and call the Doctor because Angels have invaded. Just kidding! It”s the work of a gorgon and they”re running for their lives to the surface.

Sidenote: I”d really love to see the story of how you get a deadly, pissed off mythological creature from Greece to America and then bury her underground for centuries.

Now it”s Abbie”s turn to have her confidence shaken. Women in her family have been dying for centuries for this cause, and she”s not about to add to the body count. The wobble is momentary though. Abbie has a plan. They just need someone with no eyes to kill the gorgon. Duh. I was gonna say grenades, but that works too.

I miss Southern Gentleman Aquaman and his ‘explosions first, questions later” attitude.

Meanwhile, Jenny is waiting on the bridge for her meet-up with Irving. Instead she gets a voicemail – signal must be garbage on that bridge – from him. The good Captain isn”t going to run away to Canada, he”s going to stay and fight from the shadows. Like a soulless ninja. Jenny is displeased.

Over at the Carriage House, War casually pulls out the horn…trumpet…from Biblical myth. You know, the one that brought down the walls of Jericho? No big deal. Henry”s just getting ready for when the time comes to announce Moloch is fully grown and ready to lead the armies of Hell. 

Katrina laments her inability to murder pure evil if it”s in the form of a child, saying “I was a fool.” Hahaha? “Was?” Girl, please. Worst witch of ANY age.

Henry monologues at his mother for a bit, rubbing her failures in her face. Normally I”m against this sort of thing, but maybe this will wake Mrs. Crane up to the reality of her son”s allegiances. As a final injury, Henry lifts the enchantment on the Carriage House so Katrina can see what her failure has wrought. Sadly, we are not privy to the nightmare behind the facade.

It is evening, and our heroes are impatiently awaiting the return of Headless to the gorgon cave. Crane kept busy all day by making torches from socks and pine pitch. Abbie brought flares. 

Finally, Abraham arrives. PLACES EVERYONE! Our heroes pretend to have just opened the trap door for the first time and scurry down like the bait they are. Once at the bottom, they merely wait for Death to engage with Medusa”s older brother, keeping track of the fight on Ichabod”s cameraphone.

By the way, Selfie With A Gorgon is the name of my new cover band.

Out of flares, Crane and Mills use Chekov”s torches to light the way to the room housing the sword of Methuselah. But once inside the chamber, they find an “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade” conundrum…which sword is the real one?

Ichabod trusts Abbie to make the right choice and runs back out into the hallway to soak damage from whoever wins the epic battle. You know it”s gonna be Abraham.

ULTIMATE. SHOWDOWN.

For the first time in two hundred years, Abraham”s face can be seen by Ichabod because of the “true faces” part of the prophecy. Wait, then why couldn”t the gorgon see his face? Whatever. Crane appeals to Death”s sense of honor and requests a duel. To my never-ending chagrin, DEATH agrees.  

No battle between friends turned enemies would be complete without emotional declaration of betrayal and burning hatred. “I was suppose to be the hero of the story, not the villain!” laments Abraham. I mean, from his perspective Ichabod rode his coattails, eclipsed him in the military hierarchy, AND stole his girl. Of course, Ichabod justifies all this behavior and points out Abraham joined Moloch, which isn”t exactly a noble endeavor.

Boys, boys, boys! Can we not just admit you”re both assholes?

Bored with this distraction, Death cheats. Pretty sure there”s a “No shotguns at a sword fight” rule. Crane flees.

With time running out, Abbie finally makes a choice and pulls a sword. Instantly ever sword turns to snakes, who in turn immediately say “peace out” and disappear into the walls. 

In that moment, the boys burst in. There might be no sword of Methuselah, but Abraham will take the consolation prize of shooting the man that ruined his life. Oddly, right before imminent death, it is Moloch who inadvertently saves our heroes. The trumpet sounds, calling all minions of Hell to witness the first ride of the End Times™. Abraham must go, his people need him.

Alone and feeling pretty helpless, the Scooby gang keeps searching for the sword. Finally the figure out the obvious: the sword is hiding in the oily water cistern in the middle of the room. I kind of hope a watery tart appears to throw it at them, but no luck. They set the  oil on fire and Ichabod pulls the sword from the depths. Very King Arthur.

So, the breakdown for this apocalypse is gonna be Mills with magic and guns while Crane uses words and swords?

With end with a circle of flame. Henry says “The time has come, it begins.” I hate to be THAT person, but um, guys…you”re missing half the party. You”re jumping the gun here and it”ll only end in your tears.

So, what do you guys think? Has Katrina held the Idiot Ball long enough to be Too Dumb To Live? Will Moloch be removed entirely from the game? How many more Biblical artifacts are just chilling in New England?

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