Everything Bad That Happens In The ‘Spider-Man: Homecoming’ Trailer Is Tony Stark’s Fault

Spider-Man has had a rough go of it in the movies. Played by Tobey Maguire in 2002, the webslinger helped kick off the superhero blockbuster, which is still going strong today. But by Spider-Man 3, he’d become a joke. Sony tried to resuscitate the franchise with The Amazing Spider-Man but the blistering charisma between Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone wasn’t enough to carry an overstuffed plot. But it looks like the third time might be the charm, especially now that Sony had conceded to shared custody of Peter Parker with Disney and Marvel.

But how do you make the second Spider-Man reboot in less than two decades feel fresh? First, you stop casting men in their late twenties or early thirties as high schoolers. Then you add in Tony Stark, World’s Most Irresponsible Adult, to mix things up if the trailer for Spider-Man: Homecoming is any indication. Because oh my God, it’s like Tony Stark has both forgotten what it was like to be a teenager and has never in his adult life been within throwing distance of one. The entire movie hinges on Iron Man taking a metaphorical cattle prod to the natural defiant tendencies of a teenager and expecting restraint and self-reflection.

Tony, no.

As a fan of superhero movies, I thought the second trailer for Spider-Man: Homecoming looked great. It pushed audiences far past the death of Uncle Ben. It explained the motivations of both our hero and the villain, along with what the plot. These are key things for a movie to do if it wants audiences to shell out their hard earned money in an increasingly saturated superhero market. It even gave an engineering explanation of how Spidey’s high-tech suit is skin tight.

But as a parent of teenagers, the Spider-Man: Homecoming trailer made me want to grab Tony Stark by his thousand dollar shirt and shake him. Which is probably the point. Come to think of it, many of the problems in the Marvel Universe can be traced to Stark’s weird blindspot about being a functional adult. But seriously, what are you doing, Iron Man!? First of all you don’t give high-tech suits you built in secret to teenagers with superpowers, because that’s how you get superheroes. And based on the trailer, Tony Stark does not want teenage superheroes. But you can’t close the barn door after the horse has bolted. Peter Parker now has a high-tech spider suit. He’s been using it to save people. If you take it away, he will not stop trying to save people. He’ll simply focus that natural teenage defiance into helping people whether the Avengers like it or not. Only now he’ll be in more danger of getting hurt because he’s wearing sweat pants and not micro-plated science magic.

Secondly, you certainly don’t empower a teenager to save the world by inviting him to hang out with his idols — of which you are one of — and then dump him back in Queens with no support system or training. If you have to take a test and practice to get a driver’s license, there should be at least the same minimum standard for new superheroes. A mentor program. Something. Otherwise, you get a Spider-Man who accidentally pisses off a giant Vulture who rips open a ferry. As the responsible adult (God help us all) in this situation, that mess was on you, Tony.

Ugh. This is what happens when Captain America is hiding in Wakanda. Steve would never let this happen.

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