Stars begin shilling for future Globes

12.26.08 9 years ago

The HFPA has begun their annual dribble of celebrity presenter announcements for this year”s comeback edition of the Golden Globes show.  Sadly, unlike the Oscars where for many it”s a true honor just to be there or the SAG Awards where you”re usually guilted in to showing up by your union, appearing on the Globes when you aren”t nominated always seems to be the result of any number of clandestine motivations.  So, with the show only two weeks away, let”s take a peak at the real justifications from the stars revealed so far, shall we?

Jake Gyllenhaal
Reasoning: “Hey man, so I sort of took a break, but I have this really difficult to market drama ‘Brothers” coming out later this year that could really use your support, so why don”t I come on by and bring Reese and the boys and, hey – have you seen my new six pack?”

Glenn Close
Reasoning: “Meryl may have ‘Doubt,” but I have ‘Damages” and God I want another win for season two!”

Ricky Gervais
Reasoning: “So you”re telling me the Emmy bit didn”t do it?  But that killed! What do you mean it made the Academy uncomfortable? Who says I have to go on more of these awards shows to show how funny I am?  Did Ellen have to do this? How was I supposed to know she hosted the Emmys and the Grammys we don”t watch those in England.  Are Brad and Angelina going to be there?  Is Cruise and Robert Downey, Jr. coming?”

Selma Hayek
Reasoning: “From ‘Frida” to ‘Ugly Betty,” I love you, you love me.  So darlings, when are you adding a producer category?”

Jennifer Lopez
Reasoning: “When I finally make a movie someone will see in a projected theater again, I really hope you”ll consider me a real actress even though I haven”t shown any sign of true talent since 1988″s ‘Out of Sight.”  And I know you all think that was just Soderbergh”s editing, but, seriously, as a true actress I”ve…Stop laughing.  Seriously. Marc, honey, tell them to stop laughing.”

Amy Poehler
Reasoning: “What do you mean Tina said no?  I just had a baby.  Can”t Will and I stay home and watch it on TV?  Is this really going to help the new series? Fine!”

Seth Rogen
Reasoning: “So, basically what you”re saying is that if ‘Funny People” has any awards heat next year I need to shill myself to the HFPA.  Wait, there”s an open bar?  Does it have beer? Why didn”t you say so in the first place…”

Simon Baker
Reasoning: “I know you passed me over for my work on the smash hit ‘The Mentalist,” but I”m gonna show you what a classy guy I am by appearing on your two-bit awards show in hopes that you remember next year. Also, it”s the best way for you to remember I”m better looking than Michael C. Hall, Gabriel Byrne and Hugh Laurie combined.”

Drew Barrymore

Reasoning: “Hey there!  Before I announce the nominees for Best Overseas Trip Sponsored by A Movie Studio, I just wanted to remind everyone my new romantic comedy ‘He’s Just Not That Into You” opens nationwide on Feb. 6!”

Sacha Baron Cohen
Reasoning: Actually, unclear. Cohen shuns almost all publicity appearances as himself, but this will mark the second time he”s appeared on the Globes. Must like the after parties.

We’ll go inside more celebrities minds as the HFPA announce more presenters.  Stand by.

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