Stephen Colbert patiently explains new Star Wars lightsaber cross guard to idiot haters


Comedy Central

Hands down, the most controversial thing* to come out of “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” trailer is the new lightsaber design wielded by a mysterious cloaked figure. Immediately the fandom was split in twain: either you loved the new design, or you hate joy.

*racists are outliers and should not be counted

Ready to strike down haters with his mighty knowledge of a galaxy far, far away, Stephen Colbert took the time to explain exactly why the European style broadsword is a viable lightsaber option. I mean, everyone knows the ideal number of crystals for lightsaber construction is three, right? Even a child understands the Sith simply reconfigured the emitter matrix to refract the plasma three ways. However, the strain on the magnetic ring obviously removes the uniform “blade.” Thus the new design sputters arcs of plasma as it tries to compensate.



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