Hope you like scares, because here comes a chilling fact: If “Gilmore Girls” began today, Lorelai Gilmore would've been born in 1982. Choke on that.
Most of these streams are available beginning October 1. Check out our list of streaming musts from Hulu, Netflix, Amazon Prime, and Crackle.
Hulu
“South Park”
Did you know Hulu has exclusive rights to “South Park”? It does. And did you know that “The Book of Mormon,” which I finally saw, plays like a long, mostly good episode of “South Park”? Except unlike “South Park,” my mother loves it? And she's the kind of person who tried banning “Salute Your Shorts” in my house because they sometimes made jokes about jockstraps? It's all confusing, but let's just sit back and watch “South Park” again. Remember Scuzzlebutt, the creature who had Patrick Duffy for a leg? Yeah, that's 17 years old. Fun newsflash: You'll be dead soon.
“Scandal”
Olivia Pope's newest adventures are on Hulu. Columbus Short is disappearing from the festivities, but Portia de Rossi is coming on for a multi-episode arc. The heart sings.
“Modern Family”
Five Best Comedy Series Emmys can't be wrong, right? Right. It is now time to rank the six “Modern Family” adult characters from worst to best: Jay Pritchett, Gloria Pritchett, Mitchell Pritchett, Cameron Tucker, Claire Dunphy, Phil Dunphy. It lines up pretty nicely. There really hasn't been a character on television like Phil Dunphy, a guy who's alternately dopey and totally sensible. Will miss him after this show is canceled in its 41st season.
“666 Park Avenue”
If you haven't treated yourself to this failed drama about a spooky apartment building, take a quick tour now. Vanessa Williams gets to be frightening. I love a gray-eyed camp icon!
Netflix
“Gilmore Girls” (complete series)
I just learned that Lorelai Gilmore is supposed to be 32 years old at the start of this series. That is… unnervingly close to the age of most “Gilmore Girls” superfans in 2014. How did this show get away with pairing a show about a thirtysomething mom and her teenage daughter with a theme song from Carole King's “Tapestry”?
“Kramer Vs. Kramer”
I think it's fair to call this both Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep's best movie. Weirdly, it has a TV-movie-of-the-week vibe but holds up thanks to Hoffman's awesome character evolution, Meryl's second-act shocker in divorce court (thanks to a monologue Streep wrote herself), Jane Alexander's dependable supporting chops, and a great performance from 9-year-old Justin Henry. Trivia bit: Meryl Streep is the only actress to star in two consecutive Best Pictures, '78's “The Deer Hunter” and '79's “Kramer Vs. Kramer.”
“Bad Johnson”
We need more movies written by one-time go-go boys. This tale of a man (Cam Gigandet) whose genitals come to life (seriously!) is penned by proud pole artist Jeff Tetrault.
“Team America: World Police”
While we're touting the masterworks of Trey Parker and Matt Stone, don't forget about this jingoistic great time. The doll sex scene. Jesus.
Amazon Prime
“Scream”
This was the first horror film I ever saw, and I maintain that the opening scene with Drew Barrymore is the scariest single moment in cinema. It is actually too believable. It is too real! While the greatest horror movie of all time is “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” you cannot beat “Scream,” that chilling phone voice, and Drew's shock-blonde bob for sheer terror.
“Space Jam”
If you want to feel welcome somewhere, try the Space Jam. This is your friendly reminder that The Village Voice's Pazz and Jop poll — a survey of dozens of critics — ranked “C'mon 'N Ride It (The Train)” by the Quad City DJs as the greatest single of 1996. It was a different time, guys. Charles Barkley and Sean Bradley got to costar with Daffy Duck. We lived it.
“An Affair to Remember”
Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr enjoy the romance of the century as two people who fight through the pain of never, ever receiving an Oscar. Six losses for Deborah! All for Best Actress!
“Transparent”
I touted this last week, but be sure to catch the full first season of “Transparent,” a new dramedy about an LA family who discovers their father Mort (Jeffrey Tambor) is transgender. Creator Jill Soloway describes the show as being about “a wounded father being replaced by a blossoming femininity.” Gripping stuff.
Crackle
“Charlie's Angels”
Cameron Diaz is still pulling in eight figures a movie, and I believe she owes it all to that entrancing booty dance at the start of this film. “Independent Woman Part I” is still a gem, by the way.
“Moon”
Can you believe Sam Rockwell starred in “Charlie's Angels” and “Moon”? I'm coping with it.
“District 9”
This was the longest shot to win Best Picture at the 2009 Oscars, yet it might be the best movie on the list — unless you prefer the pretentious moralizing of “Up in the Air” or the touching white savior epic “The Blind Side.”
“Pineapple Express”
Marijuana! People who enjoy it are often funny. Be sure to check this movie out again if only to remember that Rosie Perez has a supporting role.
Join us next Tuesday for a new batch of essential streams on the web.