Gratuitous everything: The 10 most ridiculous parts of the ‘True Blood’ season premiere

06.17.13 4 years ago

Last night’s “True Blood” premiere was a festival of blood, gore, and a full-frontal nudity. Plus, they went and changed all the established rules of vampiria as if that wouldn’t totally upend the popular culture. Is this going to be the season of shark jump after shark jump? Quite possibly. Here are the 10 most stand-out ridiculous moments from the episode.

1. The episode opens on a festering blob of ooze, which turns out to be Bill.

2. Bill rises from the ooze like the pet phoenix you’re desperately trying to get rid of and becomes a naked, bloody Dr. Manhattan impersonator.

3. Jessica has the line, “Destroy her? You mean you want to kill Bill?,” which is unfair because it makes us expect an Uma Thurman cameo we never get.

4. Bill summons Jessica with such force that she vomits blood all over everything, and her heart gets swollen and veiny, and oh god, I’m dizzy now.

5. It’s not TV, it’s a ridiculous amount of gratuitous nudity.

6. Lafayette wears the greatest outfit ever that manages to incorporate pieces from both Forever 21 and Pendleton. Plus, he says this line: “That was the sickest shit I’ve seen on TV, and I watch ‘Dance Moms.'”

7. Bill gets staked and doesn’t die! What sorcery is this?

8. It’s not TV, it’s a gratuitous threesome.

9. Andy’s horde of little fairy babies age half a decade overnight, which is both every parent’s nightmare and every parent’s dream.

10. It’s not TV, it’s gratuitous nudity and gratuitous gore at once.

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