Live, from my couch just 45 minutes away from the Gibson Amphitheatre in Universal City, where the air-conditioning is ineffective and the parking is brutal, it’s the 18th Annual MTV Movie Awards live-blog, recording all of the winners, losers and extraneous performances from Sunday’s (May 31) event…
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8:58 p.m. ET I’m shocked — SHOCKED, I tell you — that Kristin Cavallari had the nerve to show up at Whitney’s wedding. The only way I could be more shocked is if I knew who Whitney was or cared who Kristin Cavallari is.
9:01 p.m. The cerimony opens with a filmed bit. Host Andy Samberg is talking to Barack Obama in the gross toilet from “Slumdog Millionaire” and does a dive into a pool of filth, curing Carrie from “Sex and the City” as his inspiration. He’s transported into “Twilight,” where his sewage stench causes Edward to nearly puke. But it excites random classmate Taylor Swift. Zoom into “The Reader,” where Kate Winslet demands he take off his cloths and hop into a bath. He’s about to get intimate with his Nazi bathmaid, when Aziz Ansari beams him naked onto the Enterprise. On to Justin Timberlake’s limo and “Motherlove” and “Dick in a Box” references. Finally, Timberlake introduces Samberg live on the stage.
9:05 p.m. How many times will we see Robert Pattinson in the crowd tonight? There’s one…
[Full minute-by-minute recap after the break…]
9:06 p.m. “Welcome to the 2009 MTV Movie Awards, the only award show that’s on TV tonight,” Samberg says, before assuring the crowd that it’s OK to fart, giving Leighton Meester specific permission. Punching, however, isn’t allowed unless you’re Kiefer Sutherland, because punching is to Kiefer as farting is to Leighton Meester. Leighton’s a good sport. Thanks, B. XOXO, Gossip Dan.
9:07 p.m. There’s Robert Pattinson again, getting a shout-out in Samberg’s Mix Master Mike-assisted rap. It starts off a little bit funny, but by the time it degenerates into a Fred Armisen Intervention joke, even Cameron Diaz can’t really help save it.
9:10 p.m. The night’s first presenters are Anna Faris and Chris Pine presenting the award for Breakthrough Performance, Female. Faris is on another planet, which may or may not be part of the joke. Ashley Tisdale wins! Miley Cyrus pretends to be OK with it. Zac Efron pretends to be happy for her. I pretend that I recognize her with her not-new-anymore nose.
9:12 p.m. Pairing Michael Bay with the lovely Megan Fox isn’t making me hate him any less. They’re not presenting anything other than a commercial for “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.” The clip features big robots, exploding Middle Eastern settings and Megan Fox acting really hard.
9:20 p.m. Like Andy Samberg, I love a good Montel Jordan “This Is How We Do It” joke. It’s not too late to vote for Best Picture, kids. Vote…
9:21 p.m. Shia TheBeef is presenting the award for Best Fight, making it our second straight “Transformers 2” plug. Can anybody beat Robert Pattinson and Cam Gigandet for “Twilight”?
9:22 p.m. No. Nobody can. Gotta love Shia TheBeef not knowing how to pronounce Cam’s last name. Kick his butt “Never Back Down” style, Cam! Actually, Cam killed Marissa Cooper. Don’t think I’ve forgiven you, man.
9:23 p.m. Robert thanks his stunt double, Paul McDonald. Cam thanks all of us. Your welcome, Cam, you Cooper-killer.
9:24 p.m. Introducing Eminem are “The Hangover” stars Justin Bartha, Bradley Cooper and Ed Helms. No Zach Galifianakis?
9:27 p.m. My esteemed musically-inclined colleague Melinda will write things about tonight’s performances, so I can mostly ignore Eminem.
9:29 p.m. Another crowd shot of R-Pattz.
9:33 p.m. “Cool guys don’t look at explosions. They blow things up and they walk away,” so sings Andy Samberg and later Will Ferrell in a parody song over a montage of action stars walking away from explosions.
9:35 p.m. Keyboard solo from J.J. Abrams? Nice.
9:36 p.m. Samberg says “Twilight” just to get a cheer from the crowd. It’s gonna be that kind of night.
9:36 p.m. Jonah Hill is paired with Vanessa Hudgens and makes an odd joke about pubic hair. Who will win Breakthrough Performance, Male? Will it be Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner? Yes. There are two other nominees, but who really cares?
9:38 p.m. TEAM EDWARD, FTW.
9:38 p.m. “I don’t know how many more of these awards I can come up for, because I think there’s a little bit coming out of my pants right now,” Pattinson says. Ummm… Ick? Or… Huh?
9:44 p.m. Bruno enters flying from the rafters with feathering wings. He has an unfortunate wire accident landing with his crotch on Eminem’s face. Eminem reminds us that he’s a very fine actor, getting outraged and storming out swearing. In the middle of the staged chaos, he says that Zac Efron is the winner. Geez. This like totally takes away from the accepted solemnity of this respectable award ceremony.
9:46 p.m. “It’s the coolest way I’ve ever been invited up to accept one of these,” says Efron, who seems to have won for Best Male Performance. He says he’s pleased to have been nominated with the other people in his category. Thanks to Bruno, we don’t know who those other people even were.
9:47 p.m. The three stars of “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” set up another exclusive sneak peek. But if it doesn’t have Robert Pattinson in it, is it even a real movie? Straight to video, y’all.
9:54 p.m. Most Desirable Sound Editor. Tee-hee.
9:55 p.m. “And now, two people from the world of entertainment…” It’s the stars of “The Proposal,” presenting the award for Best Kiss. Ryan Reynolds and Sandy Bullock banter about whether kissing her counts as kissing a dude. Yes, there are two man-on-man kisses, but there’s also one girl-on-vampire kiss. Which will prevail.
9:57 p.m. It’s Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. I love that Kristen Stewart is wearing high-top Chucks with her awards dress. R-Pattz removes his gum. They stare yearningly into each other’s eyes and then she pulls out, “Thank you so much!” And they leave the stage.
9:58 p.m. Time for a Jim Carrey bit. He’s dressed as a sexual predator in trenchcoat. He jokes that he loves Andy Samberg’s digital shorts and asks him to perform one tonight. Andy says tonight isn’t the right night. Jim suggests that some of his celebrity friends should do the songs instead.
10:01 p.m. Hmmm. LeAnn Rimes singing “Jizzed in My Pants”? Yeah. That’s a little odd. Chris Isaak doing “I’m on a Boat” is a bit closer. And the duet of “Lazy Sunday”? Even better. Forest Whitaker singing “Dick in a Box”? OK. Now I’m laughing.
10:03 p.m. Nice cut to the Lonely Island guys in the crowd bawling.
10:03 p.m. Somebody made the very correct assumption that Hayden Panettiere swearing would be hot. The swearing is fun. Hayden allegedly freestyle rapping? Much less endearing.
10:05 p.m. The Best WTF Moment winner is Amy Poehler for “Baby Mama.” She swears a lot in her speech. I’m not sure what was so WTF about her performance.
10:06 p.m. From “Driving Miss Daisy: The Early Years,” it’s the flatulent Leighton Meester and the stoned-out-of-his-gourd Lil Wayne. Jeezy makes a joke about his upcoming guest appearance on “Gossip Girl.” Leighton laughs nervously. They’re presenting Best Song From a Movie. There are two or three great songs, plus one from “Twilight,” but the winner is…
10:08 p.m. Miley Cyrus? Well OK. In your face, “Twilight.” Next time, get Robert Pattinson to sing.
10:09 p.m. Miley Cyrus makes me really uncomfortable. She’s on a boat.
10:09 p.m. Will this actually be the clip from “New Moon”? Or is it a joke?
10:10 p.m. Joke. Dracula versus Teen Wolf in “New Moon”? I’d watch that.
10:16 p.m. “Welcome back to the Big Commercial…” Andy Samberg reintroduced Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner. It amazes me that even after all of this time, Kristen Stewart doesn’t know how to handle herself in public. Or maybe she just doesn’t care? Or maybe “discomfort” is just her thing?
10:17 p.m. The “New Moon” trailer begins with a kiss, followed by the events that unfortunate birthday party events fans of the book remember vividly. Nooo… COME BACK EDWARD!
10:18 p.m. The biggest cheer comes for the newly buff Taylor Lauter, who shows off his pecs and then goes full-on wolfy.
10:19 p.m. We’re giving some sort of lifetime achievement thing to Ben Stiller? Maybe they should have just showed the “New Moon” teaser a second time.
10:21 p.m. Kiefer Sutherland, Zac Efron and Triumph take the stage to salute Ben Stiller. “After Jim Carrey, Adam Sandler, Mike Myers and Chewbacca, they were running out of both comedians and people who look like apes,” Triumph says, summing up the moment perfectly.
10:25 p.m. Ah Triumph. “I guess comedy is in your DNA, along with monkey ears, monkey arms and monkey forehead. I hope there’s a special place on your mantle for this award… Right next to your bananas.”
10:26 p.m. Kiefer is brought to tears by the emotion of Stiller’s body of work, telling the maestro that “There’s Something About Mary” inspires him whenever he’s down.
10:27 p.m. Finally, the silliness ends and Stiller gets his award, which is just additional silliness.
10:29 p.m. “Doubt”… Now for the Saga Genesis.
10:30 p.m. Random Robert Pattinson shot!
10:32 p.m. Darnit, MTV. You’re making me resort to the Stanley Cup for entertainment. Geez. The Red Wings are making mincemeat out of the Penguins. They’re like hockey’s version of “Twilight.” Henrik Zetterberg *is* Robert Pattinson on Ice.
10:34 p.m. Starf Leet Clown Academy? Not all that funny.
10:35 p.m. Best Female Performance is being presented by Cameron Diaz, Abigail Breslin and that other girl from “My Sister’s Keeper.” They make jokes about loving Cameron Diaz’s adult films. Like that mostly topless S&M video she did when she was just starting to model? Available for download on an Internet near you!
10:36 p.m. Can anybody beat Kristen Stewart? Heavens no. As she walks to the stage, she appears to be making a list of the top million places she’d rather be instead. Like in a dentist’s chair. Or in traction. “This is really awesome,” she says, without an iota of conviction.
10:38 p.m. She ends by thanking her cast members and fumbling her award across the podium and crashing down onto the stage. “So I was just about as awkward as you thought I was going to be,” she announces, before departing. Is there any chance that was a planned moment? Or do we assume that K-Stew just can’t help herself?
10:39 p.m. Kings of Leon. Oooh. Hockey fight! Featuring Zetterberg! Totally the Pattinson of the NHL.
10:46 p.m. Andy Samberg has changed. His outfit. “Oh, award shows,” he coos.
10:47 p.m. Whoa. I was just interviewing Danny McBride and Will Ferrell two days ago and now they’re on TV. They’re each petting a cat, in an effort to change their image from The Funny Guys to The Evil Guys. It becomes a joke about the dead cats in their arms. Funny dead cats.
10:48 p.m. Is Robert Pattinson up for Best Comedic Performance? No. In that case, it’s anybody’s game.
10:49 p.m. Jim Carrey wins for a movie nobody in the world liked. Anna Faris pretends she was robbed. In reality, she was robbed.
10:50 p.m. Random Robert Pattinson shot. See? He didn’t need to be nominated to win!
10:51 p.m. Carrey was so surprised by his win that there’s a whole prepared bit where we can hear his thoughts.
10:51 p.m. Robert Pattinson shot, coupled with a Repeal Prop 8 joke. Nice. He closes with, “There wouldn’t be a swine flu if we treated the pigs better. Thank you.” For some reason, the swine flu joke gets a cut-away to Taylor Lautner. With his shirt on.
10:57 p.m. They managed to get Denzel Washington, with his daughter tagging along, to present Best Movie.
10:58 p.m. “You’re the future of film,” Denzel tells the voters. It’s “The Dark Knight,” “Slumdog Millionaire,” “HSM3,” “Iron Man” and “Twilight.”
10:59 p.m. And the winner is… “Twilight.” Deposed director Catherine Hardwicke leads the way to the podium, followed by Kristen Stewart, who seems to be chewing nervously at a piece of plastic. Is it a straw? Is she just gnawing on her nails?
11:00 p.m. The “Twilight” team is still debating who they should or shouldn’t thank when Andy Samberg cuts in to make sure the show ends on time.
So what’d you think of the show? Of the winners? Of the speeches? Of the clips?