‘The Bachelor’ recap: It’s a battle on the beach and paramedics are called

01.21.13 5 years ago 2 Comments

Okay, I had massive Slingbox problems, so I missed the first ten minutes of the show. Still, I think I can get up to speed pretty quickly. I’m just guessing, but I’m sure some bachelorette said she’s falling harder than she expected to fall, another said she’s worried she’s going home, another said she will do anything to get a rose, and Sean said he’s just so happy and blessed. Am I right? Am I right? 

Anyway, where I join the fun is Sean and Lesley M., clearly on a one-on-one date, trying to break the world record for the longest on-screen kiss in front of the Guinness World Record Museum in Hollywood. It turns out the longest on-screen kiss isn’t that long, because Guinness hasn’t created a reality TV specific, we’re-more than happy-to-waste-time category. Three minutes isn’t that long when you split the screen into three parts, plaster on some voice over, and have Chris Harrison talking to fans watching the kiss. I think we can expect to see every other publicity-hungry reality TV show currently on the air aiming to break this record in about a week.

After they recover from their very long kiss, Lesley M. and Sean have drinks on the roof of the Roosevelt Hotel. It’s time for Lesley M. to open up about herself. She loved junior high and high school! But she was a nerd. Lots of AP classes! And she loves to spend time with her family. Sometimes her friends are more fun than her friends are! And she wants the marriage her parents have! They still hold hands! They’re madly in love! I would love someone to sit down with a bachelor, any bachelor of any season, and say their parents fought bitterly and now she distrusts everyone with a Y chromosome. Hey, it would shake things up a little. 

Sean assures Lesley M. she’ll find the guy who can give her what she wants, and he might be sitting next to her. Hint, hint! I think Sean likes her! And not just because she can kiss for three minutes! He feels like he’s known her forever. “You just make me nervous,” she says. “You do something to me! It doesn’t happen very often, and that’s a good thing.” They kiss. He gives her the rose. They kiss more. Confetti falls on their heads as they kiss. So sweet, I guess, but so predictable. 

Anyway, Sean has developed really strong feelings for Lesley M. He doesn’t know where it’s going to go, but he thinks he’s going to enjoy finding out. Of COURSE he’s going to enjoy finding out. He has hot chicks making out with him left and right. I will give Sean props for seeming to still be a pretty decent guy, as at this point in the season most bachelors have become pompous, self-absorbed douchebags. Hey, he might actually find love after all!

Another date card is delivered. Kacie, Robyn, Leslie H., Kristy, Catherine, Desiree, Karyn, Amanda, Lindsay, Daniella, Jackie and… Tierra will be going on the mob date. Twelve girls! What a mess.  

Selma, Sarah, AshLee are left out, but AshLee doesn’t mind. She wants to spend time with Sean one-on-one, and she’s hopeful. Why, I have no idea, but I suspect we’ve just seen this segment as a way for the show to foreshadow future events.  

The gaggle of girls don bikinis and head to the beach, where Sean wants to play beach volleyball. But there’s Chris Harrison, fully clothed! Kacie B. knows Chris Harrison is like a dark rain cloud or some other prophet of doom. so she’s worried. Chris tells the girls they will be broken up into two beach volleyball teams. The winning team gets to stay on the date with Sean. The losers go home immediately. Kacie B. is right! Chris Harrison is A FORCE FOR DARKNESS! 

As Sean says, “This game is not exactly pretty,” and luckily we don’t have to watch too much of it, as it really is sad. If they added some wacky Benny Hill music, it might be funny, because these girls are just that awkward. Sean says he’s going to feel terrible for whoever loses. Because they won’t get to be with HIM! No, just because he feels bad for anyone who’s disappointed, ever. Sorry, sometimes I forget Sean is the First Nice Bachelor.  

The game is tied. “This game is the most important game I’ll EVER PLAY IN MY ENTIRE LIFE” says everyone, more or less. Please, someone tell our hormonal bachelorettes that this is not only a game, it’s a game within a dating game and someday they can go back to their normal lives and meet perfectly decent guys and everything will be FINE. 

Kristy (I think? It’s hard to tell on a tiny screen when everyone has their hair pulled back) sobs when her team loses. “I just wanted time!” You’re not DYING, girl. The six losers get into the van to go home. Leslie H. is scared she’ll go home without Sean getting to know her! Daniella just wanted to talk to him! Everyone sniffles and is generally dejected. I wish the producers would just give these women magazines to read or maybe a newspaper so they’d remember that Sean is not THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE.  

Kacie B., Desiree, Lindsay and three other girls are so happy! They get to hang out with Sean at his home! Which isn’t really his home, but is wherever he’s staying during filming, but still, they’re SO EXCITED!

All the lucky ladies who are slightly less incompetent at beach volleyball than six other ladies want to take advantage of their opportunity with Sean. Lindsay tells Sean she feels chemistry with him. She wants him to be HER BEST FRIEND! He loves this side to her; this creepy, stalker side to her! “When I fall in love, I fall head over heels and I GIVE EVERYTHING TO THAT PERSON!” she squeals. They kiss. “I never want to stop kissing that man!” she says in the interview room. Sean seems to think she’s entirely sane. And this is the girl who showed up in a wedding dress!

Sean tells Desiree he thought she looked so good in her bikini. He loves her confidence. “I feel like I’ll never get tired of hanging out with you,” he says. 

“I’m fun!” she responds. Desiree tells him she doesn’t have to worry about anyone else. I would tell Desiree to worry about Lesley M., but that wouldn’t be kind, would it? 

Tierra reads the latest date card. It’s for AshLee… and Selma! Sarah’s face freezes in horror. A DOUBLE DATE? No, Tierra’s just screwing with them. Sarah thought that was not funny at ALL. Sarah is angry for Selma and AshLee! Again, can someone give these girls something to do other than cycle together? 

Back at the half-group date, Amanda tells Desiree she’ll do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get the rose. She feels like she has a ton to offer. “If we were to get married, I’d bring such a fun, airy, light atmosphere,” she tells Sean, omitting the part where, if another girl stands anywhere near her, she’ll act weird and creepy. 

Kacie B. is wondering if she should tell Sean about Amanda and Desiree and the tension brewing between them. Let’s pause for a moment here. 


If Kacie B. were not entirely stupid, she’d know this NEVER pays off. Never, ever, and it happens almost every damn season. Someone takes it on themselves to tell the bachelor one of the girls is being fake with him, or creating tension in the house, and the bachelor says, um, why aren’t you sitting alone in your room thinking ABOUT ME? 

So, she’s not going to do this, is she? Oh no, she is. 

Kacie B. tells Sean she’s friends with Desiree, but she thinks there are different dynamics between the her and Amanda, and she can’t be herself. What? I would say she’s tattling to Sean, but she’s not really making enough sense to be tattling. 

“Why are you saying something to me?” Sean asks. “They both seem fine, and neither one of them has said anything to me about it.” Kacie B. does not shut up, even though she’s received a massive hint to stop while she’s behind. But no, she keeps talking. I’m stuck in the middle! I’m not a drama person! “I want you to act like Kacie, not like this crazy person that I’m seeing.”  

So yeah, Kacie B. is going home.

Anyway, Sean doesn’t give the group date rose to Kacie B., Amanda or Desiree. Instead, he gives the rose to Lindsay. Kacie B. is devastated. She realizes she screwed up. Yeah, we realized you screwed up BEFORE YOU EVEN DID IT.

Finally, it’s time for AshLee’s one-on-one date with Sean. She says nothing can go wrong today — so Tierra promptly falls down the stairs just as Sean walks in.  How fortuitous! Medics are called, but Tierra doesn’t want to go to the hospital. “This is so stupid! I just want to be left alone!” Unless Sean is going to talk to her, in which case, that’s okay. And guess what? Sean does spend time with her, so AshLee is furious that Tierra has found a way to cut into her date, and there’s no way for her to interrupt without coming across like a selfish jerk. Well-played, Tierra, though we now know you’re more than a little evil.

Finally, AshLee and Sean head off for their date — and they’re getting Six Flags Magic Mountain TO THEMSELVES. Whoa, ABC didn’t send them to Disney? I know Disneyland can’t be shut down for just two people, but hey, corporate synergy, bitches!  

And it turns out Sean and AshLee won’t be alone anyway. They’ll be bringing along two girls with chronic illnesses. Emily and Brianna have only ever met one another online, so this will be the first chance for the best friends to meet in person. AshLee declares that this date thrills her heart, and it shows her so much about Sean. It shows me so much about the producers, but okay, Sean seems to like it, too.

Brianna is so excited to go to the park and meet Sean and AshLee. But then, she gets to meet Emily! The girls both suffer from mitochondrial disease, in case you’re wondering. They seem a little shy around one another, probably because they’re being followed around by a damn camera crew. Oh, and after they’ve gone on a lot of roller coasters, they are treated to a private concert by the Eli Young Band, which makes Sean very happy. 

AshLee is touched by this date, and truth told, so am I. I’m glad to see “The Bachelor” using its power for good. 

Finally, it’s time for AshLee and Sean to be alone together. Those teen girls were inspiring and everything, but let’s move on to the romance! AshLee wants to tell Sean about all the things she’s been through. She wants as many children… “as my husband and I decide,” she says, quickly covering the fact she was about to say “as I can pump out of my body before I hit menopause.”

Oh, and on the adoption side, she wants to take in some older kids, since most people only want babies. Sean agrees, and admits that the idea has always been in his heart. AshLee’s so excited! She was adopted at six, and when she was in a foster home she was abused by a family. But she’s not bitter or broken, and she was never sexually abused. She considers herself lucky. Sean admires her. I’m glad AshLee went on this date, honestly, because she seems like one of the few girls in the house who really appreciates the significance of doing a good deed.

AshLee tells Sean about meeting her dad for the first time, and she says her parents promised they’d tell her they love her every day. She makes Sean cry, he gives her a rose, and they kiss. You know, the usual.  

Finally, it’s time for the Cocktail Party O’ Death. Sean pulls Sarah aside and leads her out to a waiting black limo. She looks a little terrified, and I think she’s worried Sean is sending her home, as if he just realized she will never have a two-handed backhand when they play tennis. But no, he’s showing her that Leo, her dog, is visiting her. Good surprise. Sean really is The First Nice Bachelor! 

Tierra tells Sean her back hurts. Do you need to go to the doctor? “No, no!” Tierra just wants more TIME with Sean! She needs TIME! To show him how crazy she really is! He assures her it’s still early, so she should hang in there. I 

But Tierra is PISSED when Desiree interrupts her time with Sean. “I want more time with him, and I GET WHAT I WANT,” she tells us in a threatening-yet-girlish voice. That seems to kick off the steal-a-thon, during which Sean gets tossed around like an old soccer ball. Lesley steals him, then Robyn steals him, and so on, and so on, and finally everyone is PISSED. 

Eventually Kacie B. steals him, and he admits that he feels like they took a couple steps backward the other night. You know, when she went crazy. And just then, two girls interrupt. Kacie B. is nervous, and she should be, really. 

Rose ceremony!

He wants to talk to Kacie B. before he starts handing out roses. WHAT? Oh, oh no. He takes a rose with him, so that might be a good sign, but I doubt it.

And it isn’t. “I have too much respect for you to make you stand through another rose ceremony,” he says to Kacie B., telling her they’re better off as friends. Yes, Kacie B., splashing your crazy all over him kind of killed it. Why oh why don’t women learn this? WATCH THE SHOW, take notes, something.

Kacie B. doesn’t cry, but she does say that this time, she goes home with regrets. Sean returns to the girls to tell them he sent Kacie B. home. 

Tierra gets a rose.

Leslie H. gets a rose.

Catherine gets a rose. Good. Now she can stop looking like a sad-eyed velvet painting of a puppy.

Daniella gets a rose.

Robyn gets a rose.

Selma gets a rose. 

Sarah gets a rose.

Jackie gets a rose.

Amanda gets a rose. Ewww.

One rose left! 

Desiree gets a rose. Of course!

So, Taryn and Kristy get the boot. Taryn feels like she never got a chance to connect to Sean. Sniffle. Kristy thinks he’s wonderful and it would have been a fairy tale, but you can’t force something that isn’t there. More sniffling. I’m sad Kristy never got to truly exercise her “I’m a model” muscle, but alas, it’s a tough season.

So, roller derby next week! More injuries! And Tierra emerges as the new villain. Things are getting ugly on “The Bachelor”! 

Did you think Kacie B. made a mistake? Do you think there’s a front runner so far? Do you think Tierra threw herself down the stairs?

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