‘The Bachelor’ recap: It’s time for a relay race as the ladies fight for Sean

02.04.13 5 years ago 4 Comments


Oh, my. This episode is SO crazy! How crazy? The craziness could not be contained in just one night! Too much crazy! Thus, we’ll see part two of the craziness tomorrow! Crazy, crazy, crazy! Oh, and it seems someone gets injured. Again. I’m beginning to feel as if “The Bachelor” is a little too hung up on driving ratings by telling us someone went to the hospital or her lips turned blue or Sean got worried about whether or not they would survive the week. I mean, from here it’s a pretty short step to trying to get someone injured with uneven bungee cords or paintball guns loaded with real ammunition “by accident” or a running of the bulls in Pamplona while wearing ankle weights and blindfolds. 

Chris Harrison stops in to tell the ladies that there will be three kinds of dates this week — a one-on-one, a group date and the most dreaded kind of date in the history of “The Bachelor”… the two-on-one date. Two ladies go on the date… only one comes home. So, like Thunderdome, but not. Oh, and while they’re worrying about that, they have to pack for “a worldwide journey” to find love with Sean. 

And where is the first stop on this worldwide journey? Montana, of course! Whoa, when I think a whirlwind trip around the globe, I always think, man, the first place I want to go? Montana. Screw Paris, pal. Mon. Tan. A. Nothing against Montana, as it looks stunningly beautiful, but he could have just told them they were going on a trip to Montana. They would have been fine with it. No need to oversell it, “The Bachelor.”

The women are excited. I am wondering if I can just cut and paste this part week after week, because these women say the exact same thing every time. They’re so excited! Check. They can’t wait to spend more time with Sean! Check. Oh, and Sean can’t wait to spend time with these amazing women! Check. I wonder if the people filming ever fall asleep. 

Anyway, Tierra wants a one-on-one with Sean. HE’S HER MAN! DAMMIT! But who gets the one-on-one? Lindsay! She’s so excited! Robyn is sad. AshLee is sad. Basically, all the women are sad and mildly pissed off except for, you know, Lindsay. 

Sean leads Lindsay to a helicopter, and Lindsay just about craps herself with excitement. Why is everyone so impressed by helicopters? Just once I’d like for someone to say, eh, helicopters. What is this, you’re gonna make me do a traffic report? 

After they get in the HUGELY EXCITING helicopter, they land in a field in a national park. I’ve never seen two people get so excited about dead grass in my life. Anyway, Sean is so glad Lindsay is outdoorsy! They know each other so well! They can’t stop kissing one another! She feels so happy and blessed! I’m actually surprised, simply because Lindsay was the one who showed up in a wedding dress, which is like Single Guy Kryptonite. 

Sean and Lindsay sit in front of a fire, and Sean muses that he wants to go deeper with Lindsay. That’s not a euphemism or anything; he just wants to find out more about her. She moved around a lot, being an Army brat. After the war started, Dad was gone throughout her adolescence. So, she has daddy issues. That’s why she wants a family, like, yesterday. And wears wedding dresses on first dates. Okay, just guessing about that last part. 

Sean thinks she’ll be an incredible wife, gives her the rose, and they make out. He thinks they share the same morals and they click perfectly. So why don’t you marry her! Maybe he will! She has the dress already, right?

Anyway, he might have one more surprise for her. He leads her into a crowd of people. You know what’s romantic? Crowds of people pushing and shoving past you. Sean also considers Christmas shopping and Black Friday sales lovely delights. The entire town of Whitefish has come out to see a concert by Sarah Darling. Sean and Lindsay get to dance on a platform. He thinks they’ve come a long way since the night when he thought she was just a crazy girl in a wedding dress. I do, too. 

Sarah Darling should be able to sell some downloads from this, because we’re getting a lot of her music in this segment, mostly with Sean talking about how great Lindsay is and Lindsay talking about how great Sean is. 

Back at the house, it’s time to find out who’s going on the group date. Given that the alternative is to go on the dreaded two-on-one, this is the first time the ladies are actually excited about going on a group date. The lucky ladies are… Selma, AshLee, Desiree, Catherine, Sarah, Lesley, Robyn and… Daniella.

Thus, Tierra and Jackie are the two-on-one. Tierra is so excited! AshLee thinks she’s crazy, as she’s far too confident for a sane person. But, as we know, Tierra is crazy — and crazy manipulative. Jackie is sure Sean will see through Tierra, but she doesn’t know if it will be now or later on. News flash — I’m 100 percent sure it’s later on. He has some weird fixation on Tierra, and as much as I want her to go home, I don’t see it happening yet. 

Sean doesn’t need an outdoorsy wife, but he thinks outdoory is sexy. So, yes, he does need an outdoorsy wife. 

Time for the group date! The girls walk into a field, where Chris Harrison explains they’ll be divided into two teams for a relay race. First will be a canoe race, then baling hay, then sawing through a log, then milking a goat, and then they have to drink goat milk. Goat milk isn’t so bad, people, but the ladies still groan in horror, as if they have somehow ended up on “Fear Factor.” 

Blue Team takes an early lead with Catherine and Lesley M. managing to not get stuck in tall grass, which is actually an accomplishment. Unfortunately Robyn and Selma on the Red Team can’t get it together. 

But then, Blue Team loses their lead when the hay they’re transporting falls apart, and over on the Red Team one-armed Sarah finds that carrying a bale of hay is something else she can add to her skill set. Being one armed will not stand in her way! Because she has one arm! It makes her unique, but not disabled, people! In case your forgot she only has one arm!

After the hay, there’s the sawing of the log, and the Read Team breaks ahead as they milk the goat, rally back from the goat kicking over the milk glass, and Desiree chugs it down. The only upside for the Blue Team is that they didn’t make it far enough to chug the milk, so they’re spared that horror. 

Lesley M. is pissed off that her team lost. She doesn’t want to go! Catherine thinks this sucks! AshLee furiously chews gum in the van on the way back to the house.

The four winners head to Casey’s for their reward — spending time with Sean. But Sean says he had a sinking feeling when the Blue Team left. He needs to bend the rules so he can spend time with some of the girls he doesn’t know well enough yet. Yes, this will go over really well with four women and not at all with another four. Especially with Desiree, who chugged damn goat’s milk for him. Does he have any idea how many calories were in that glass?

Chris tells the girls he has another date card for the Blue Team. Ashlee, Lesley, Daniella Catherine are invited to join Sean at the party tonight. They were about to go to bed! And now they’re going to a party! They’re so happy!

Tierra is furious that Sean is rewarding losers! She’s been patiently waiting for a one-on-one! She knows she has a special connection with Sean! She has to go find Sean to find out where his head is at and drop another massive hint that she’s a head case. 

As expected, Red Team smiles and while inside, the ladies seethe. Selma is angry. Why did they fight to win? Why? Desiree thinks it isn’t fair. Robyn is worried one of these girls might get the rose, and she’s not wrong to worry. 

Tierra, who simply can’t stand the fact other people are seeing HER boyfriend, gets dressed and hustles down to the restaurant to surprise him. She sneaks up on Sean as he’s doing his interview about how happy he is, slapping her sneaky little paws over his eyes. He’s happy to see her! It isn’t creepy at all! Then, Tierra very sweetly launches into her crazy. “Why am I getting a two-on-one? I don’t want to be misled! It felt like a slap in the face! I hope you follow your heart and make the right decision! WHICH IS ME, ME, ME!”

She feels better, having gotten the crazy out of her system and puking it all over Sean. They kiss. Jeez, Sean, red flag! Instead of being concerned, he worries about Tierra, because she’s having a hard time handling this. Yes, that’s why you should worry, Sean. Not that you’ll pick her, get married, and she’ll promptly stab you during a fight over who used the last of the margarine. Yes, you should worry that she just doesn’t like dating on television. 

Desiree gets a few seconds with Sean, ands she’s bummed. She didn’t need to guzzle goat’s milk for a few seconds! Then, AshLee wants time. You know, loser AshLee. “Obviously there’s one person in the four of us he wants to spend time with, and I’m sure it’s me,” she purrs. She has a soul connection with him. This appears to be correct, as he kisses her. I think at this point in the competition, if he’s not making out with you, you’re in trouble.

I can’t help but think that it would only take one person to start a raging outbreak of the flu or mono on this show. 

Back at the house, the final date card arrives. Tierra and Jackie in a vicious fight to the finish! Or, as Chris Harrison puts it, two women, one rose, one stays, one goes. 

Back at the group date, Sean just wants to snuggle with Catherine. He loves being with Catherine. He doesn’t have to worry about her and knows that she can trust what they have. Hmmm, Sean values women who aren’t worried and neurotic. I guess Tierra didn’t know that. Does Sean realize Tierra is not that kind of girl? Does it matter? I am becoming very disappointed in Sean, as he seems to be just as much of an idiot as every other guy who’s been on this show. 

Daniella wants her time with Sean! But she goes downstairs and sees Catherine sitting on his lap, and she just can’t deal! Of course, that’s when Sean decides to pop in, and we know he loves a good damsel in distress. Daniella may be embarrassed about crying, but it’s almost always a good thing.  “I feel like all the girls in the house, it’s hard to see them connect with you!” she sobs. “I know I love being with you and I always have fun with you. I want to continue that!” Sean responds, heroically. They kiss, and if Sean gets a mouthful of snot and tears he totally doesn’t let on. 

Time for the date rose! Sean announces that he saw a side of one of the women he hadn’t seen before… Daniella. So, crying DOES get you a rose! The red team is PISSED. Robyn in particular is pissed, because being on the winning team had absolutely no benefit for her, beyond getting a cute checked shirt. But hey, it was a cute shirt. 

It’s time for the dreaded two-on-one. Tierra is so proud of herself for being aggressive. She can’t wait to go see her husband! And she’s thrilled that she pulled one over on Jackie. I get the impression Tierra is happier about this than she is about seeing Sean. 

The way Sean is going to deal with this living nightmare is focusing on having a fun day. They’re going horseback riding! Jackie is stuck in the back with a slow horse. This is not great, as Tierra and Sean ride side by side. Yeah, Jackie is shaping up to be the third wheel and the date has hardly started yet. 

Jackie decides she is not going to let Tierra control the date. Uh-huh. Anyway, they get to a campsite and she takes a walk with Sean. She wants him to fall for her true self. Is she implying someone’s fake, he wonders? Jackie tells Sean that Tierra flirted with a guy at the airport. Meh. She would hate for him to give someone the benefit of the doubt and have them trick him, them meaning Tierra. “I know you’re real,” he tells Jackie before passionlessly kissing her. 

Sean, Jackie and Tierra sit down for their uncomfortable dinner. Sean wants to get to know them both better. Sean doesn’t know who he wants to give the rose! Liar! But he realizes Tierra comes with drama. You think? 

Time for Tierra to spin her web of lies. She tells Sean she has the biggest heart! She just wants to be loved! And she’s scared! She was with a guy for five years who was in and out of rehab. But she stuck by him! He was her best friend. But he died in 2009, so she lost her best friend. She’s scared of losing… someone again.  I think Tierra’s just scared of losing, period.

You know what I get from this little confession by Tierra? She wants to be in a co-dependent relationship and she lives for drama. But Sean doesn’t have the common sense to see crazy when it’s right in front of him. Run, dummy, run!

Time for the rose! He tells Jackie that his relationship with her has been slower to develop and tells Tierra “there’s something special about you. But since that first night it hasn’t been really easy. But I appreciate you opening up tonight.” So, basically, even though Jackie told  him to run for the hills, he gives the DAMN ROSE TO TIERRA. Sean is an IDIOT. 

He walks Jackie  out and tells her how sweet she is, and Jackie cries in the car. Waah-waah. 

But Sean has no time for broken hearts! He and Tierra watch fireworks while Tierra gloats over her win! She is triumphant! And Sean is nice, too!

Finally, it’s time for this never-ending episode to roll to its painful conclusion. Cocktail party! Sarah notes a big cloud of bitter has been hanging over the house since Tierra came back and Jackie went home. 

Sean makes his traditional toast. He’s halfway through! He can’t believe he has so many feelings for so many women! He’s so happy! Right now! 

Desiree notices that Sean gives roses to women who are having a hard time, so she decides to puke up some tension on him. He doesn’t get it! He’ll take this crap from Tierra, but what’s her problem? He doesn’t know why she’s worried. Sean just wants her to say what’s going on. She won’t say Tierra is making everyone miserable, but he suspects that’s what she wants to say. He feels confused and doesn’t feel great about where he is with Desiree. Why? Because she wouldn’t through Tierra under the bus?

Meanwhile, Tierra wants to punch everyone in that room and storms out when Desiree mentions that Jackie was the sweetest person in the house. Tierra wishes she was a fighter, because she would beat the bleep out of these bitches. 

So, as you might guess, it’s time for a fight, which is held in low, dulcet tones (for the most part) because Sean is right in the other room. Still, Robyn wants to squash things with Tierra. She’s so sick of her, she will make this the Bad Girls’ Club! Well, if Bad Girls’ Club is kind of polite and logical. Robyn tells Tierra she acts friendly when the camera snaps on. 

Tierra is INSULTED! She tells Robyn and Lesley M. that different people handle things differently. Robyn tells her everyone is just confused. She could say angry and fed up, but she goes for the nicer version. 

“I don’t care what people say at the end of the day. You’re insecure, not me! I don’t even care! If I want to get engaged, I can go get engaged! There are plenty of bleeping guys in the world!” There’s more, but it’s all about the crazy.

Just as she’s yelping, “I WILL BITE, I WILL BITE!” Sean walks by. Good lord, this isn’t a red flag; it’s a car accident with fatalities. Desiree thinks Tierra needs a Xanax and to be sent home, but Sean is just… confused. Maybe she does act differently when she’s not around me! He wants to get to the bottom of it. So what does he do? He steals Tierra away for a private talk. Why not Robyn? Why not ANYONE ELSE?

Tierra starts wiggling around and batting her eyes and saying she’s a NICE girl and she’s never done ANYTHING to these awful, mean girls! They’re attacking her for no reason!

Run, Sean. Just pack it up and run. My God, do you really need a bigger hint? 

Sean doesn’t want to be naive, but he thinks someone should say something! I’m impressed the women aren’t saying anything, honestly. If we’ve learned anything from past seasons, it’s that the messenger ALWAYS gets shot (or at least goes home). 

Sean asks Lesley M. if there’s anything specifically he needs to know about Tierra. Lesley M. sighs and admits that when she’s around the other girls, she’s very cold. But Sean wants DETAILS! Specifics! So what if she’s mean to the other girls. What? Sean is desperate to hold on to this lying psycho, and I think that even if Lesley did give him specifics of how Tierra killed a camera guy and stuffed his body under her bed back at the house, he’d still visit her in prison and send her magazine subscriptions.

Sean decides he’s going to follow his heart (read: pants) and trust everything will work itself out. Yeah, ask for that rose back, Sean! Catherine agrees wishing Sean could take the rose away. And the thing is, he can. Doesn’t Chris Harrison tell us all the time the bachelor makes the rules?

Sean sits down to chat with Chris Harrison, which means things have Gotten Serious. Sean has a lot of questions. He’s frustrated. He wants to move past the drama with Tierra! He wants supporting evidence against Tierra! Tonight, he doesn’t see his wife in that room. He doesn’t feel like he’s taking big steps forward with everyone. Because Tierra has squirted hate juice all over everyone?

“Maybe none of these women are for me, and maybe I’m going to go through this entire journey and not find the woman I’m going to spend the rest of my life with,” Sean says. Hey, send Tierra home and see how much more fun everyone has, including you, Sean!

Chris addresses the ladies and tells them Sean is unhappy. Tierra, Daniella and Lindsay have roses, so nothing for them to worry about. Boo! 

First rose goes to… Selma.

Second rose goes to… Catherine.

Third rose goes to… Lesley M.

Fourth rose goes to… AshLee.

Fifth rose goes to… Sarah.

Final rose goes to… Desiree.

So, Robyn is going home. This isn’t a huge surprise, as I don’t feel we’ve seen much between much footage of her and Sean for a while. I didn’t see much of a spark between these two, so while it’s sad, it’s not horribly sad. In her goodbye limo, Robyn says she’s bitter, and it hurts. But would she even want to be with a guy who picks nut job Tierra over her? 

After the rose ceremony, Sean is questioning everything now. Can he find his wife here? I am beginning to not care as much, honestly. 

So, tomorrow night, the gang heads to the Canadian Rockies! And they go swimming? And apparently freeze to death. And guess who milks this for attention? Tierra! Egads. I am going to have to get some soft things to put around my computer in case I start throwing stuff. 

Watching this montage of clips from what’s ahead, I’m getting the impression Tierra lasts to the final two. I’m really hoping that isn’t the case, though. Fingers crossed!

Do you think Tierra is going to last another week? Do you think Desiree should be worried? And do you think someone needs to tell Sean the truth? 

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