‘The Bachelor’ recap: Juan Pablo cuts most of the crazies – but not all

01.06.14 4 years ago 5 Comments


I wrote a lot about this episode here, so this won’t be an extremely in-depth recap. After all, we don’t want to get too attached to anyone. We start the two-hour episode with 27 hopeful ladies and end with just 17. While kicking ten women to the curb gives Juan Pablo a chance to rid himself of most of the lunatics, amazingly, he leaves some in the mix. Maybe this is his way of keeping things interesting this season, but if the promo at the end of the episode gives any real clues, I think things progress from interesting to “didn’t I see this on ‘Cops’ or maybe ‘Dr. Phil’ one time?” pretty quickly. 

The show kicks off the way every season of “The Bachelor” kicks off. We get lots of earnest testimonials from the women, lots of footage of the new bachelor mooning around without a shirt while explaining that what he wants sounds an awful lot like a poorly written eHarmony profile, and some behind-the-scenes moments. Juan Pablo loves his daughter! Juan Pablo asks last year’s bachelor Sean for advice! Really, we could just go with footage of Juan Pablo wandering around looking hunky and slap on some audio from any other season. Actually, it wouldn’t have Juan Pablo’s dreamy Spanish accent, so maybe not.

Finally, it’s date night, and women spill out of limos like overripe fruit improperly stacked in the produce section. Here’s what I always wonder — yes, having a gimmick makes you memorable, but does having a bad gimmick get you sent home? Clearly, a “bad” gimmick is a question of taste. I mean, who would have guessed Lindsay would go as far as she did during her season. Wearing a wedding dress not only didn’t get her sent home, she stuck around for a while. 

Still, even a wedding dress seems like a safer play than showing up with a fake baby bump, dragging out a piano (and hitting bad notes on top of it), pushing fake pills and, ew, not wearing shoes. Actually, Lucy didn’t seem to push her shoelessness as a gimmick. No, she’s clearly a hippy, so I guess she gets points for being honestly weird.

“Do you get nervous when I get close to you?” she barks at Juan Pablo. When he admits, um, yeah, she says, “Don’t be nervous, be sure!” while leaning closer still. I’m sure he’ll think she’s creepy, but okay. She may think it’s cute to slap her dirty feet onto his lap, but there’s a reason people who aren’t on “Naked and Afraid” wear shoes. Floors is dirty, yo. 

But the crazy continues to leak out like nuclear radiation at Homer Simpson’s workplace. Amy J. decides to give Juan Pablo a massage. Guess what? Amy J. is one of those massage therapists who moans and groans all through your massage like she’s having a sexual experience with your back. Unsurprisingly, Juan Pablo finds this awkward.  

In some ways, though, the weirdest encounter is the one between Juan Pablo and Sharleen. She’s an opera singer who doesn’t say much and seems a little nervous, but Juan Pablo still hops to his feet to give her the first rose. Even she looks at him as if he’s crazy. “Seriously?” she says, then takes a loooooong moment before she accepts it. Juan Pablo assumes this means she’s shocked. The truth is, she isn’t feeling the heat.

Sharleen may be too normal for this show, as she doesn’t want to convince herself she’s in love with Juan Pablo just because she’s supposed to do that to make the producers happy. What? She’s not suffering the same mass delusion as everyone else? What’s up with that? Fall in LOVE, Sharleen! Embrace the crazy!

Speaking of crazy, Lauren H. seems entirely sane when we first meet her. She did, however, get dumped minutes from the altar, so she has Issues. But, you know, otherwise she seems pretty okay. But as the evening progresses, she starts falling apart like a soggy Kleenex. “I want him to see the good energy in me!” she sobs. Right under all the crazy! 

We meet a cavalcade of other women — Andi, the assistant district attorney, seems like a keeper — but, again, let’s not get too attached to anyone. 

When the rose ceremony starts, all I can think is this is gonna take for-ev-er. 

Clare gets a rose.

Nurse Nikki gets a rose.

Single Mommy Renee gets a rose. 

ADA Andi gets a rose.

Alli gets a rose.

Chantel gets a rose.

Lauren S. gets a rose.

The chick who brought a dog gets a rose. 

Cassandra gets a rose.

Danielle gets a rose. 

Chelsie gets a rose.

Kat gets a rose. But Kyle walks up for it and has to shuffle back to the bleachers. That’s embarrassing! 

Victoria gets a rose.

Christie gets a rose. 

Lucy gets a ROSE? SERIOUSLY?

Elise gets a rose. 

One rose left. And it goes to… Amy L. 

So, yes, ten girls get cut, including Kylie, Amy J., and Lauren H.  

Kylie is cut, Massage Amy is cut, Lauren H.’s friend Ashley is cut and so is Lauren H. Amy J. is so sad! She felt him! Kylie is now really mortified that she went up for her rose, I bet. She expected to be here for a long time. She’s ready to find the right person! Lauren H. is sad. She’s going to go home to her family and try to get back to normal. 

I’m not really sure why Juan Pablo decided to keep the girl with dirty feet who creeped him out, but okay, fine. Maybe he has a soft spot for crazy women. We already know he likes girls who are hard to get if Sharleen is any indication. The promo shows things get stressful and crazy, and may end up in a hospital. Or at least the floor of a bathroom. And Juan Pablo tears out of an interview in a snit. Oh, I love this show, don’t you?

Who do you think Juan Pablo will pick? Were you surprised about who got cut? Who are you rooting for? 

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