It's time for hometowns! Yay! We can always count on a meltdown, as it turns out families tend not to cotton to relationships formed on television shows through lack of contact with the outside world, unrealistically fabulous first dates (You, me, Vietnam! Go!) and a false sense of limited resources. Or, they're just crazy and overprotective. Tomato, tomahto!
Alas, even though Juan Pablo is confronted with a mess of crazy at Clare's house, he doesn't see this as a red flag. Spoiler alert: he doesn't send her home. Instead, he kicks the sanest, sweetest, most lovable woman on the show to the curb. Renee is so nice (how nice is she?) that she doesn't even sob hysterically or ask “Why, why?” like a kneecapped Nancy Kerrigan. No, she thanks him. Thanks him for showing her that there are awesome guys out there in the world. I would argue that, in keeping two nut jobs like Nikki and Clare, Juan Pablo has proven he thinks more with his little head than his big one and has categorically proven he isn't the most awesome guy in the world. You dodged a bullet, Renee!
But let's review how the hometowns went. Nikki's family seemed reasonably sane. Yes, Nikki's mom was ardently chewing her lips, clearly resisting the urge to shriek, “My GOD, girl, run, run! What are you DOING!” but she did her best to assure her daughter she just wanted her to be happy, even if that meant marrying some guy she met on a reality TV show. Her dad was also surprisingly Zen about the whole thing, making it clear he liked Juan Pablo but hinting he would cut him if he hurt his little girl. Juan Pablo thought they were lovely and liked him! Because, language barrier.
Andi takes Juan Pablo shooting in Atlanta, because he might have to defend himself when he meets her dad. Kidding! Sort of! Anyway, we learned many important things during this hometown. One, Andi's parents call her Pookie, which suggests they are fans of Garfield (not a good sign). We also learn Andi's mom really enjoys salsa dancing with Juan Pablo, which might be a reason for her husband to disapprove of this relationship. It's always awkward when the mother of the bride is chasing the groom around the venue trying to rub her private parts against his.
Finally, Andi's dad finds Juan Pablo completely unimpressive, and Andi's sister doesn't get a romantic vibe from the happy couple. Andi is devastated! But she doesn't really care, as she lines right up to get her rose in Miami. I think Andi could do better, honestly. Team Andi for “The Bachelorette”! But right now, I get the impression that Juan Pablo has chosen her as his Sharleen substitute, as she has brown hair and she's smart and stuff. Juan Pablo seems determined to punch above his weight class for some reason.
Renee's hometown is pretty much perfect — approving parents and a loving son who seems perfectly okay with Mommy bringing home a strange guy. This is clearly FAR too easy for Juan Pablo, who seems to prefer his hot chicks with a side of crazy.
And that brings us to Clare. Since her dad is no longer around, she woos Juan Pablo with teary stories about her fabulous dad, which I have to find a little suspect as he seems to have spawned at least two batcrap crazy daughters. In addition to Clare, we have Laura. Laura horns in on Clare's conversation with their mom, warning her not to “manipulate” her with stories about how much she likes Juan Pablo, then standing up for no reason and stomping around. Laura later explains to Juan Pablo that she feels she has to be the father stand-in, because that's really not weird at all. But Juan Pablo has a lovely time! Because, language barrier.
Later, everyone goes to Miami for the execution. I mean, rose ceremony. Juan Pablo is nervous and upset, possibly because his big head is yelling, “DON'T KEEP THE LUNATIC”! But he can't hear over the other part of him saying “Clare will TOTALLY put out in the fantasy suite, dude!”
First rose goes to Nikki.
Second rose goes to Clare.
Final rose goes to Andi.
Juan Pablo cries while Renee assures him everything is fine. Did Renee do anything other than comfort people this season? I hope ABC gives her extra pay for being cheap therapy for everyone else.
So, we're down to three, and Chris Harrison keeps promising that tomorrow night's fantasy suite episode is going to go off the rails, and we keep seeing footage that suggests something tragic happens, like a Line Is Crossed or the gals get a look at Little Juan Pablo and find it lacking or deformed or something. I am 100 percent sure neither one of those things happen, but I can't blame ABC for editing.
Do you think Renee should be the next “Bachelorette”? Do you think Juan Pablo made a mistake in sending her home? What do you think happens tomorrow night?