Wow, in the first minute of montage setting up the show, there’s A LOT of crying. A lot. And then there’s Tierra, who just pretends to cry. Is it too much to ask that Sean send this lunatic packing this week? Given that Ben not only kept Courtney around until the end, he actually chose her, I no longer trust that any given Bachelor will wise up before he gives a crazy girl jewelry.
Anyway, Sean and the girls leave snowy Canada for St. Croix, which is gorgeous and warm and requires a whole other wardrobe. I hope the show producers let these girls do laundry. Or at least pack a second carry-on.
It’s warm and it’s wonderful and everyone is happy, but Tierra is not happy, per usual. Tierra won’t share a room with girls who want to date her boyfriend! She wants her own space! So she gets the crappy fold-out bed and drags it out, because sharing a bed with these other horrible women will give her typhoid or malaria or cooties, or her extreme hatred will simply cause her to have a wicked break-out Oh, Tierra.
The first date card! It’s for AshLee. Tierra glares deadly laser beams of hatred at AshLee. Twenty-four year old Tierra thinks AshLee is totally lame because she’s, like, 32, which, as we know, is close to death. Sean deserves someone who isn’t collecting Social Security on their honeymoon, even if they don’t get a senior discount at Red Lobster!
Because we’re so close to the end, there’s no date rose for the one-on-ones, but that shouldn’t be a problem for AshLee. He’s seen her vulnerability and her strength, and now he’s also seen her ass in a bikini. She’s the full package! Kidding. Anyway, she feels that she can connect and share with Sean, which she has never, ever done with a man before. I’m not sure that picking Sean, who is DATING MANY MANY WOMEN CONCURRENTLY ON A DAMN TV SHOW, as the first person with whom she can share and connect with is a grand idea. I am officially worried for poor AshLee.
After AshLee heads off with Sean, the girls who are not Tierra happily discuss how much they hate Tierra, who is probably sitting on her rollaway bed and sulking. Lesley M. wants to roll Tierra’s rollaway bed into the ocean. I’m with Lesley M.!
Because Sean loves to talk about Tierra with the other girls, as it makes them feel so good about themselves, Sean asks AshLee if the drama in the house has subsided. Um, no! AshLee tells Sean Tierra doesn’t want to be part of the group and isolates herself. She also calls Tierra Pouty Pants, which is awfully catchy. Usually it’s not a good idea to tattle on the mean girl, but Sean trusts AshLee. Good! They hold hands and walk along the beach and make out “From Here to Eternity” style.
Meanwhile, it’s time for the next date card! Oh, yay, Tierra is the next one-on-one. She is momentarily happy, but then she’s not. She doesn’t want to walk around town! She wants to be on the water! She likes boats! Lesley M. “hates that bitch.” That is so, so easy to do.
Back to AshLee’s date. They’re going to have a lovely dinner date by the water. He really likes this girl, but then, possible disaster! Complete with possible disaster music! AshLee has something important to tell Sean. It could be make or break… she’s sorry for this… but fifteen years ago, she was going through things, having a hard time in life, and she had a boyfriend and… things were really difficult with her and her mom… and… WHAT IS IT, ASHLEE? I am fully expecting her to say she has a 15-year-old child with three heads and cloven hooves tied up in the attic of her parents’ house that she beats with sticks and feeds once a month. SPIT IT OUT, ASHLEE!
Oh. She got married when she was 17. Huh. That wasn’t so interesting. Anyway, she doesn’t want the mistakes in her past to influence her future. “I want to come to you as whole as I can,” she tells Sean in a quavery voice. “I don’t want to be this broken girl who comes to you.”
But, like everyone else watching this, he thought she was going to say something terrible. He thinks she’s perfect the way she is, and doesn’t see her as broken at all. So, she stands on her chair and screams, “I love Sean!” He could see himself ending up with AshLee. It’s such a wonderful moment! And yet, kind of weird, too!
The next morning, it’s time for Sean’s date with Tierra! He has lots of questions for her. But first, they’re going to have fun walking around St. Croix. She’s hot, gross and thirsty, but happy to be with Sean. As much as she hates St. Croix and everything in it except Sean, she is excited that she gets to shop, and she loves to shop! Why does that not surprise me? Sean buys her an eternity bracelet, and she’s thrilled. However, I’m pretty sure she’d complain that it’s cheap and turns her skin green if she thought she could get away with it.
Then suddenly, their shopping adventure is interrupted by a crazy parade! It’s like Mardi Gras without the floats or the women lifting their shirts! I think this is better! Sean is having so much fun with Tierra! She is pretending to have so much fun dancing in the humidity!
Finally, Sean asks Tierra about the other girls in the house. The other girls won’t accept her! They’re jealous of her because she got the first rose! She tries so hard with those girls! She doesn’t have to worry about those other girls much longer, though, right, Sean? RIGHT, SEAN?
Yeah, Sean isn’t exactly showering Tierra with reassurance. In fact, Tierra feels as if she’s lost ground! He seems distant! He admits the drama with the other women in the house may have put the two of them “a little bit behind.” Tierra flutters her eyelashes and wonders if she could get away with murder in an unincorporated U.S. territory.
At the house, the next date card is revealed — the dreaded group date. Catherine, Desiree and Lindsay must gang up on Sean, so that means Lesley M. gets the one-on-one.
Back to Sean and Fake Tierra wrapping up their big, fake date. She likes him a lot! She wants their journey to continue! She’s falling for him! She wants him to know that! Grin, grin, grin! Then, there is kissing. She’s falling in love with him! More kissing! He loves the fact she’s telling him she’s falling for him! What? Sean, are you entirely stupid? Sean has concluded she’s not nice to the other women, but she’s nice to him, and hey, that’s all that matters. What is it with guys who think this? At the end of the week, she doesn’t have to live with the other women anyway! Oh, STOP, Sean! Really? This is like marrying a woman who’s rude to waiters! Someday, she’ll be rude to you, too!
The next morning, it’s time for the group date, which, if you ask me, sounds like a living hell. At an ungodly hour Sean busts into the girls’ room and takes pictures of all of them as they wake up, sans make-up. Yay? Then, they have five minutes to get out of the house. Catherine is so low maintenance, she just needs to pee and go (her words, not mine), but Lindsay and Desiree lose their minds. HOW DO YOU CURL YOUR EYELASHES, WAX ALL BODY SURFACES, AND APPLY A FULL FACE IN JUST FIVE MINUTES? Well, they survive.
Then, they drive and drive and drive to to see the sunrise at the Eastern-most part of the island. They’re the first people in America to see the sunrise! Okay, I think that’s fudging a little as St. Croix is an unincorporated territory of the U.S. but isn’t, say, a state. But okay, they’re the first people to see the sunrise in an American territory! They drink orange juice, which is what you do at the crack of ass when you don’t have whiskey.
Then, they drive to the sugar mill, which gets this HUGE musical interlude that makes me feel like they’re seeing the sets to “Lord of the Rings” complete with hobbits, which isn’t really the case. Isn’t this where Sean went with Tierra? Anyway, they keep driving and driving and DRIVING to the other side of the island, which is so much fun for the girls in the back seat who can’t hear anything. Then, they visit a white donkey named Pippin. Then they drive and drive and DRIVE some more. They have a beverage at a cafe. Then they drive and drive and DRIVE. This is making St. Croix look hella boring, by the way, though it is very beautiful. Finally, they go to a treehouse. Hey, you know what would have been a nice group date? Sitting around on the beach. Sitting by the pool. Going on a picnic. Just a thought.
Anyway, Desiree calls shotgun on pretty much every part of the trip and tries her best to monopolize Sean. Lindsay and Catherine are shocked, yes, shocked that Desiree is making a hard play for Sean. Really?
After canoodling with Lindsay, Sean moves on to one-on-one time with Catherine. Sean loves that he and Catherine can be weird and goofy or serious. But now, it’s time for that serious part. She wants to tell him something. Her dad battles depression. He had four dads, three of whom abused him, and when she was 14, he attempted suicide IN FRONT OF HER AND HER SISTERS and was taken away. Whoa. Talk about burying the lead. We thought Catherine’s big story was that dumb one about some girl getting squished by a tree in front of her, but that was so not it.
Next, time for Sean to canoodle with Desiree, who wants that date rose! It’s the only date rose of the night, and she’s WORKED HARD FOR IT. She talks about her family and cries. She wants what her parents have! They’re so simple but so happy! Wow, she basically makes her parents sound like they’ve had frontal lobotomies. They’re severely brain damaged but they don’t even know it! It’s almost cute once you wipe away the drool so they can kiss!
Finally, it’s time for Sean to get out the rose. And the rose goes to… wait, he needs to tell them it was a hard decision! Really hard! And he’s giving the rose to someone who has never wavered! So he gives it to… Lindsay? Desiree is shocked. SHE SAT IN THE FRONT SEAT AND TOTALLY MESSED UP HER HAIR, DAMMIT! You know what’s funny? Desiree trying to smile and hold back a scream at the same time.
There’s no sunset, because they can’t see the sun at their sunset spot. Sean doesn’t care! He’s with three beautiful women! He might marry one! Or send them all home! Or create a harem! Is polygamy allowed in St. Croix?
Finally, it’s time for the last one-on-one. Sean takes Lesley M. to a plantation, because it’s a serene place for the two of them to talk. Sean thinks his relationship with Lesley M. hasn’t progressed as much as it has with some other women. Poor Lesley M. I think she’s perfect for Sean, but she’s not one to totally let down her guard in front of a camera crew. In fact, Lesley M. has watched the show for years and has always thought these women were idiots to say they’re in love with this guy they met on TV. But now she’s one of those idiots!
Anyway, Lesley M. talks. And talks. And talks. But doesn’t say what Sean needs her to say — that she’s in love with him. I can’t blame Lesley M. And still, I’m pretty sure Sean’s sending her home. They have a lovely date, but it’s more like a first or second date than the one right before the guy meets the parents.
After the date, Sean’s sister Shay comes to St. Croix to offer advice and get some frequent flyer miles. Shay is worried he’ll pick a girl who isn’t as committed as he is. She doesn’t want him to end up with “that one.” That one is the one everyone hates.
Speaking of the one everyone hates? While Sean is talking to Shay, AshLee and Tierra are getting into it. AshLee tells Tierra she’s rude, Tierra tells AshLee she’s on the verge of death at the advanced age of 32. AshLee tries to make a peace offering to Tierra, but Tierra isn’t listening. “Girls are jealous! Men love me!” she shrieks. Yes, guys LOVE screaming women.
Tierra accuses AshLee of being a saboteur, though I don’t think she knows that word. “I don’t talk bad about you, I just say what I see,” AshLee says. Tierra tells AshLee she was never rude — it’s just her face! “I’ve had no Botox!” she screams, because apparently Botox makes you look happy? Someone tell Nicole Kidman, because I don’t see that.
But wait! There’s more! AshLee tries to get Tierra to remember that her parents even said she didn’t do well with other girls. Oh no, they didn’t! Tierra replies. “They said, Tierra you have a sparkle! Don’t let those girls take your sparkle away! I can’t control my eyebrow! I can’t control what’s on my face 24/7!” Whoa. Tierra has officially jumped the crazy shark.
The fun isn’t over yet! Sean tells Shay he’s going to grab Tierra so she can meet her and judge for herself. Oh, goody! Sadly, the fighting has stopped before Sean arrives, but Tierra is on her rollaway bed, sobbing. Thus, all Sean sees is Tierra, the sad widdle victim.
“This is just so hard for me, Sean! You know that! I’m so sensitive and I have such a big heart! But I’m so scared!” OH MY GOD. SHUT UP. “I’m gonna be honest with you, because I always am! Our date has been heavy on my heart.” She feels someone sabotaged their connection. She doesn’t want to say who, though! BECAUSE SHE’S SO NICE! Oh, well, it’s AshLee. “She’s out to get me! Everything I do, she’s made it an issue! I hate being like this with you! It’s just so hard!” She’s so scared! And she hates confrontation and she hates getting emotional, but she gets emotional because she CARES!
Oh. My. God. I am so tired of Tierra.
Sean tells Tierra he’s going to be right back. Oh, he better not be running off to ask Chris Harrison for a rose or some crap like that. No, he’s stomping around outside, scratching his head. But finally, he makes a decision. He knows what he has to do. Probably marry Tierra in an impromptu St. Croix wedding.
He goes back inside and tells Tierra he had wanted to introduce her to his sister. She sobs and hugs him. Why? Why? Why did he want to introduce her to his sister? Tierra acts like Sean just suggested a day of light water boarding.
Sean hold a wimpery Tierra. “I know how emotionally taxing this has been on you, and how it’s a struggle every day. I’m crazy about you, and I have been since the very first night. And because I care so much about you I think it might be best if you go home now.”
YAY!
This wasn’t his intention, but yeah, her crazy just got all over the place and he couldn’t ignore it anymore. He hugs her. Seriously, don’t drag this out, Sean. Let her go. She actually stops crying once he says she’s going home, probably from the relief of not having to pretend she’s a nice person anymore. “I can’t keep you here knowing how hard it is for you,” he says. Hey, you know what would have been good? Telling her she’s a cup full of cray-cray and he doesn’t need her lunatic horsecrap. That would had been good.
He tells her he thinks the world of her, and she snarls, “Obviously not enough” before she gets in the van. “I can’t believe he did this to me!” she sobs. “I hope the girls got what they wanted!” Yes, yes they did. So did America and possibly the world.
“I’m strong, I’ll get through it,” Tierra says. “Nobody will take my sparkle away!” Okay, I want that to become a meme, yesterday, please.
Shay assures Sean he made the right decision. I like Shay. She’s sane. I hope that, whenever needed, she smacks sense into her brother. Which is probably often.
The girls gather for the cocktail party. They’re worried that Sean will walk in with Tierra. But Sean walks in alone and tells the girls that Tierra went home. Just to clarify, he doesn’t want drama in a partner. AshLee is worried! He also felt clarity about his final decision tonight. He knows what he needs to do tonight, so there won’t be a cocktail party. He’ll see the girls at the rose ceremony.
Lesley M. thinks AshLee should be worried. She didn’t cause the drama, but she was a part of the drama. And AshLee is worried. In fact, she’s scared. Isn’t Lesley M. worried? That seems the more logical choice.
Rose ceremony! This should be quick. Chris Harrison tells them this is a HUGE ROSE CEREMONY. And one of them WILL BE GOING HOME!
I am loving this music. They usually play this kind of stuff when someone dies on, say, “One Life to Live” or during a promo for the Olympics.
The first rose goes to… Desiree.
The second rose goes to… Catherine.
The last rose goes to… AshLee.
Well, we kind of expected that. Lesley M. didn’t tell him how she really felt, and it cost her. Catherine seems truly heartbroken that Lesley M. is going home. It turns out that Catherine doesn’t know how Sean could send Lesley M. home, because he had more in common with Lesley M. than he does with her. Ah, this is why we see Catherine crying in the opening montage. Aw, shucks, Catherine. Don’t question the heart of Sean.
You know why she shouldn’t question the heart of Sean? Because we see him showing Lesley M. a picture of himself as a grown-ass man in footie pajamas sucking his thumb. Yeah. That happened. Bet he’s glad the cameras were running for that! Actually, it’s cute and it makes sense in the context of his family Christmas tradition, but let’s face it, still a little weird.
Do you think it was time for Tierra to go? What about Lesley M.? Do you think this is the right final four for Sean?