Oh, aren't you looking forward to the public hanging, I mean, Women Tell All episode of “The Bachelor”? As Chris Harrison always (and tiresomely) promises, this episode is going to be explosive or mind-blowing or best ever or whatever the hell, but this time he may not be entirely full of crap. This has to be the first season during which not only have two women left, but the promos suggest we'll see more irritated eye rolls and female bonding than tears of pain and girl-on-girl battling. You could almost call this the girl power edition of “The Bachelor.” Almost.
Not that we get to the action with any speed whatsever. Yay, let's get Sean and Catherine on the floor. Very much in love, whatever whatever. Could not care any less. Oh, they had sex, by the way. “Quick fireworks,” says Catherine of the big moment. Zing! Okay, that one line almost made their visit to gush about their awesome wedding worth it.
Then, after being beaten over the head by a Muppet promo (the cross-promotion really, really needs to stop, ABC. You're embarrassing yourself), we get the ladies on the stage, which reminds me of how quickly I've forgotten ninety percent of them. That can only be good news for you when you apply for jobs, ladies!
Oh, look. Kelly brought her dog, Molly. I am fairly sure she thinks this is cuter than it really is, and I love dogs.
First, Chris wants to ask the women how they felt on that first fateful evening before they lost their innocence about Juan Pablo. Renee was insanely nervous! He's so handsome! Kelly was concerned that Molly didn't like Juan Pablo. That was a SIGN, Kelly! If your dog doesn't like a guy, you run! So far, the women do not seem ready to rush the stage and skin Juan Pablo alive when he comes out… not yet.
Next, we get a montage of how hot Juan Pablo is, possibly to make the women put away their switchblades. He was CUTE, girls, CUTE! Andi brings down the hormone level by pointing out that there has to be more on offer than looks. We all thought he was hot, but looks can fade! Don't you love that this is what men usually say about pretty bimbos? Is it safe to say that the consensus was that you'd be happy to sleep with Juan Pablo, but you wouldn't want to keep him? That he's a himbo? Yes, yes he is.
So, why was he not husband material, girls? Everyone and possibly Kelly's dog has an answer to this one! Danielle also thought he was superficial. Lauren S. says he didn't ask her questions about herself. Chris Harrison desperately throws the ball to Renee before the entire franchise goes down in flames. She had a different experience! They talked about kids! Dear GOD, someone save me!
Renee does talk about how she and Juan Pablo bonded over Play-Doh preferences, but the ladies still want to drive a stake into Juan Pablo's heart like a “True Blood” vampire extra. Kat tried to take the conversation deeper, but there was no deeper there! Lauren thinks he didn't listen!
Kelly suddenly turns around, possibly after a member of the production crew has slipped her a twenty, and points out that Lauren has sour grapes. Lauren shrugs. Yeah, maybe, but she's not wrong. Alli thinks he was on the show to find someone, but what he wanted to find wasn't what the women wanted. He wanted a girlfriend, they wanted a husband. I wish I remembered you, Alli, because you make an excellent point.
Chris Harrison wants to make it clear this is unlike any Women Tell All episode, ever. And for once, he may be right about something!
The women continue complaining about Juan Pablo. I love this! Usually we get the women bitching about another girl taking up their time or playing dirty to make the Bachelor love them, but this time, the ladies are all here in a gigantic support group bonding over the HUGE LOSER they all made the mistake of dating on national TV.
Kat points out that Juan Pablo was constantly changing the rules. He didn't want to kiss some people because of his daughter, but then kissed other people, and sort of lied constantly. Lots of nodding. Kelly points out that Juan Pablo used his daughter as an excuse. Man, I think all of these women think he's a jerk. I really suspect they're all going to go out to a bar together after the show and buy a few pitchers of sangria and just laugh and laugh and laugh. Except for Cassandra and Renee, because they have to go home to their kids.
Speaking of kids, Renee talks about how she had a different relationship with Juan Pablo because they both had kids. Kat wishes he hadn't talked constantly about how his relationship with the Moms was so different.
Wait, more insults! Kelly points out Juan Pablo kept talking about being honest, but wasn't honest. The biggest dishonesty? That dip in the ocean with Clare. Still, Kat and Kelly say at the exact same time that getting into the jacuzzi with her was “that much more disrespectful.” Jinx, buy me a Coke!
Sharleen calls his slut shaming of Clare “buyer's remorse.” We're going to let that one go, Sharleen.
Still, she also points out that Juan Pablo is just as much to blame for that ocean dip, if not more. And everyone nods. Andi gives Clare props for taking an opportunity and thinks he was a level jerk, too. I want to point out here — all of the other women are slut shaming JUAN PABLO for the ocean dip, not Clare. This is like upside down land, isn't it? I am so impressed!
Sharleen's turn in the hot seat! Chris thinks she's the most intriguing person that's been on the show. Sharleen admits she could date Juan Pablo very happily, but they weren't “airtight.” Sharleen has a different understanding of that word than I do, or at least I hope so. “At one point you said I wish I was dumber,” Chris points out. Sharleen doesn't say “yeah, that would have helped” and instead explains that she thinks too much, not that Juan Pablo was an idiot. Good save, Sharleen.
Sharleen had no idea she was the top girl, but the other women knew and Andi definitely knew. But Sharleen doesn't care, which is probably part of the reason why she was the top girl. Any regrets? She regrets some things she said, but doesn't regret leaving. Still, that chemistry between them — she promises to try not to kiss him when he shows up. Oh, I think that will be easier than she thinks, what with the other women wielding knives and assorted weaponry.
Next in the hot seat is Renee. Renee thinks their relationship was sweet and romantic, not painful and disappointing. People cry in the audience watching Renee getting dumped. Renee is too good for Juan Pablo. Even now that every other woman is calling him a dimwitted, superficial idiot, she's all sunshine and bunny rabbits.
So, what's going on with Renee? She's in a relationship! Or, I should say “a situation.” She doesn't want to jinx it. I guess that means she's not our next Bachelorette, which is a little disappointing.
Andi in the hot seat! The moment for which we've all been waiting! What was it about him you liked, Andi? Anything? Anything at all? Chris Harrison actually looks frightened, as if he can see his one easy, 18-year gig is about to slip through his fingers. So? Andi says he was cute! And… he was cute. Then, she talked to him in the Fantasy Suite.
WHAT HAPPENED ANDI? At first, it was all fun. They had some laughs! Then it was all about his soccer, his traveling, and him, him, him. And a lot of negativity about the process. Andi won't elaborate on that (possibly because a producer is waving at her furiously out of camera range), but she thinks he should have been grateful for the opportunity to slut around on national TV. She thinks he thinks he was a very good Bachelor. She laughs knowingly.
Then, Andi repeats all the stuff she bitched about to Juan Pablo's face. She was offended! She was hurt! She was appalled!
But she didn't TELL him this. She regrets that, thank goodness. She pretended to sleep to shut him up. She also thinks he didn't hear a damn thing she was trying to tell him. Eees okay! Eees okay! How she hated that phrase!
Is Andi in a situation? No, but she's looking. If she interrogates other guys the way she ripped into Juan Pablo, it might be a while.
Finally, the self-absorbed loser himself takes the chair — Juan Pablo! He thinks he might have some friends in the room. HAHAHAHAHA! Chris Harrison nudges him. Any regrets? Any? Want to save yourself before the women charge the stage and tear you apart with their bare hands? Nope! He wouldn't change a thing. He's been honest since day one! He tells Andi “eees okay” just to be cute/a jerk. Really, it's debatable.
Chris makes sure — you have NO regrets?
Nope, so let the tearing begin! Lauren S. wishes he hadn't blamed not kissing her on Camila. Juan Pablo tells Chris he had to go with his feelings! Which is somehow tied to protecting Camila. Or something. His reasoning is not entirely logical. Then, on to the Moms. Why suck Cassandra's face off but hold off on kissing Renee for weeks? He wanted to be careful about their kids, not just his daughter. Then Cassandra says he shouldn't have done the hometown with Renee. If he was so worried about Renee's son, he shouldn't have met him face-to-face.
I think this is an excellent point, but Juan Pablo blinks with confusion. Oh, it's okay for Camila to meet anyone as long as he says the person is a friend! He can totally hang out with Ben while cameras are running and Ben knows full well his mom WENT LOOKING FOR LOVE ON TV, because he didn't say he was shacking up with Renee! My head hurts.
Chantel, clearly not realizing Juan Pablo is made out of Teflon and will talk over her and deflect any valid point she makes, tells him he used the mom thing as an excuse. Juan Pablo natters on senselessly and eventually Chantel just gives up.
Alli says she doesn't like how unfair he was. Then, shockingly, Andi defends Juan Pablo, though she thinks there's a lot she doesn't like about him. “Eees okay!” he purrs. Juan Pablo is now just trying to get Andi's goat, I think.
Chris Harrison has a question. Hey, Andi! What do you want Juan Pablo to understand? You weren't acting like you wanted a wife, Juan Pablo. You know nothing about anyone.
Juan Pablo blinks. He was being real! Really vacant, maybe. He only asked the questions he wanted to ask! He was real! Eees okay!
But wait! A dissenting opinion! Sharleen thinks he took the show seriously, and he did ask those questions, but probably only of HER. Sharleen for the next Bachelorette!
Wait, we're still lecturing Juan Pablo while he thinks about getting his nails done. Free spirit Lucy tells him everyone wanted to be seen as an equal. Most articulate, thoughtful thing she's said all season.
Oh, Kelly wants to talk about the “more pervert” thing. She has a gay parent. She's tearing up. He says he was taken out of context, and he'll talk to her later (not hardly). The fighting has BEGUN.
Kelly wants to talk NOW. Juan Pablo would rather talk to Kelly for an hour, off camera. He loves gay people! They were born that way! He's still dealing with it. Sharleen says they talked a lot about equality, so stop picking on him. I'm surprised Sharleen is his greatest defender, really, but good for her.
Chris wants to get to the bloopers reel, as he's probably exhausted. The girls and Juan Pablo dance and animals attack them. They're doing Gangnam style. And monkey dancing. Oh, an eees okay montage!
So, Juan Pablo is gone. Not as much fighting as I expected, but eees okay. Kat thinks it's anyone's game. Uh, opportunity. Everyone agrees Clare and Nikki are polar opposites. Blah blah blah. I don't really care who he picks at this point. I think the upshot of the Women Tell All episode is that we all realize Juan Pablo is not a guy worth a fight. Hope the final two ladies enjoy the travel part!
Promo for next week — lots of crying! And Juan Pablo walking off into the jungle alone! Hmm. That doesn't look good. If any season needed to end with everyone going home alone, it's this one.
The women group hug at the end of the show, which I really don't think I've EVER SEEN on the Women Tell All episode. Finally — an episode of “The Bachelor” that delivered on the stupid hype.
Do you think Juan Pablo realizes how the women really feel? Do you think Juan Pablo will propose to Clare or Nikki? Do you think we'll get the traditional happy ending this season or not?