So much happens in this episode of “The Bachelor,” I say let’s just cut to the chase. There’s nudity, rubber fire hydrant suits, drunkenness and puppies. Only one of these is cute. You can guess which one, can’t you?
During this episode [I jumped in a little late, but will fill in the first half-hour later], the girls are presented with a challenge — they’ll be doing a photo shoot to raise money for a good, puppy-related cause, which means… lots of doggies! Everyone is knee-deep in cute, as these dogs are, of course, camera-ready. This is the fun part. Later, it gets a lot less fun.
Everyone gets a costume and a theme for their photo (it’s two girls per pic). Some of the girls get cute dresses. Some girls do not. Amy, for example, gets a bald cap and has to be painted with spots. She looks like she should be on damn “Battlestar Galactica.” But then, hey, she didn’t have to be naked.
Elise will be naked. Andi, also naked. The blue goatee guy who is the art director giggles like a dumbass as he hands both of them hangers that have cardboard signs attached to them. That’s your wardrobe! Hee hee hee! Elise is bothered because she’s a first grade teacher (very curious to know if she loses her job for this, or just for being on the show — it’s a toss-up), but Andi is about to have a panic attack. The art director tells her to stop being silly. She’ll be naked for a good cause! Puppies!
And then, creative approaches to dealing with extreme stress begin. Elise, being a smart cookie, wants to switch photo shoots with Lucy, who is a big red tube (well, a hydrant) and loves to be naked at all times. Sold! “I was happy to take off my top, as always,” Lucy explains, grinning like a crazy person. Holy crap, is she walking that dog down the street naked?
Of course, Juan Pablo will be in every photo, so he gets to see how the girls are dealing with these mostly unpleasant challenges. He’s impressed Kelly “did that transformation.” Me, too.
Juan Pablo also thinks, “Cassandra, I would definitely like to know her a little more.” They have a hot kiss during the photo shoot., but the real selling point for him? She’s elegant. So yeah, a producer is making him keep Lucy, I’m sure of it.
Meanwhile, Andi is still trying to talk herself into the nude photo shoot. Ultimately, Juan Pablo comes over to talk to her before she actually blows a fuse. He’s going to be naked, too! 100 percent! He’s not panicking! She admits she’s a never-nude (more or less – she is the girl who brought a one-piece) but she feels better once Juan Pablo tells her to.
Ultimately, Lucy is just happy as a clam during the naked shoot, and… Andi feels pretty good! She did it! Whoot!
With the photo shoot over, it’s time for a trip to the rooftop pool. Who wants to bet Lucy skinny-dips? Alas, she isn’t the one who loses her fool mind. No, that distinction goes to another. Yay?
Juan Pablo starts dragging off women for one-on-ones. Way to take control, Juan Pablo! Cassandra wants to tell Juan Pablo about her son Trey. She’s clearly terrified. Has she talked to Renee? Cassandra, you are not the only single mom on this show. Anyway, she tells Juan Pablo she calls her mom ten times a day. And her mom is with… her SON! He’s almost two. As expected, he’s fine with it. She feels so close to him now. They walk around.
The other single mom, Renee, is writing in a journal to her son. Juan Pablo’s kid can write the letter “I.” Guess what? Parents comparing notes are boring even when the parents involved are hot. He thinks she looked elegant today. Ding, ding, ding! She didn’t quite kiss him, but she hopes she left him wanting more.
Then, Victoria gets sloshed. She’s only had one glass of champagne, she claims! So, is she taking drugs? Having a stroke? What’s wrong with this girl? She would straddle Juan Pablo every day. “That’s what life is about, straddling things!” she says, adding, “I’m not a dog, I’m just a bitch.” Oh, yeah, keeping it classy, Victoria.
Back to Juan Pablo. He likes Nikki. He wants to get to know her better. She’s a pediatric nurse! He likes people who like children!
And, back to the car wreck. Victoria is in the jacuzzi and is very, very hammered. Boy, I hope she has some job security as a legal assistant, because I would not want her handling sensitive information. She totally thinks she saved his life during the photo shoot. Did she just say the hymen maneuver? Yes, yes she did. And she’s going to find Juan Pablo. Someone is not getting a rose!
Nikki tattles to Juan Pablo that Crazypants is hammered. “Poor Victoria,” Juan Pablo says. The drama has just begun! She runs to the bathroom and starts sobbing. Renee crawls under the stall to help her. Don’t bother, Renee! You totally got all manner of gross germs on your knees! “I’m just done!” Victoria screams, and then there’s something about bleeping girls. And Renee is, suddenly, not having fun. Hey, join the club! Victoria’s just crazy. And then she runs out of the bathroom. Oh, oh no. She’s on a warpath. She’s going home. “I don’t give a bleep, I’m going home.” The poor producer says, “For your safety, I have to get you a taxi.” And then she locks herself in somewhere else. Wow, maybe she didn’t drink. She’s just nuts.
Lucy tells Juan Pablo that Victoria has lost her mind, so he might want to check on her. Smart move, Lucy, because someone needs to let Juan Pablo know this one is not a keeper. Being a good guy, of course, he does check in on her. He finds Victoria in a stall, but she won’t come out.
Juan Pablo goes back to the party and tells everyone that he feels bad for her, and she’s just nervous. Uh-huh. He tells the group he has one date rose, and he gives it to… not Victoria, duh… Kelly, who made herself so damn ugly with that bald cap. Totally deserved.
Juan Pablo asks the other girls to make sure Juan Pablo gets home safe so he can talk to her tomorrow. Chelsie thinks he was lovely about it. Chantel thinks he was amazing for being such a gentleman. I think he just wants to kick her to the curb sober.
The girls, of course, have to gossip about Victoria’s freak out.
The producers whisked her off to a hotel, and Juan Pablo goes to visit. Huh. Victoria tells Juan Pablo she might have overreacted a little. Yeah. That’s like saying Chernobyl was a little radioactive dribble.
She explains (ha!) that she was nervous and feels everything really intensely. Run, Juan Pablo, run! Still, he listens patiently as she tells him she could have been a little more adult about her feelings. A little? What? But it’s hard for him to see things like that happen, because he has a daughter. Send her packing, Juan Pablo! Here comes the cut — he’s saying goodbye now, thanks for playing. Well-played, Juan Pablo!
Hey, a Juan Pablo M&M commercial!
Cocktail party time! Juan kicks things off with the news about kicking Victoria to the curb. Yeah, ladies, better behave! This man has a daughter, yo!
Juan Pablo drags off Amy to let her practice her reporting schools. Nothing makes a guy more comfortable than sticking a fake microphone in his face and asking him if he likes you. She’s sure she’s going to get a rose!
Next, Sharleen. She is now realizing her reaction to the first impression rose was kinda rude. And she hasn’t spoken to him since. She admits to being intimidated and pressured.
Oh, goodie, Cassandra’s freaking out now. She’s crying over her kid’s baby pictures. Calm down, Cassandra, he likes you. Don’t lose it! She misses her baby, though. That’s more normal than getting sloshed and running around a pool.
Renee, who seems to be The One Who Comforts, tries to reassure Cassandra. Then, Juan Pablo follows Renee and Cassandra upstairs. He thinks it’s cute that two moms are bonding. Aww. I’m thinking Renee needs to focus more on her relationship with Juan Pablo than taking care of everyone else.
Juan Pablo comforts Cassandra, she cries, she laughs, they bond. They fist bump. How cute.
Cassandra gets a rose. Duh.
Nikki gets a rose.
Andi gets a rose.
Elise gets a rose.
Sharleen gets a rose.
Renee gets a rose.
Danielle gets a rose.
Lucy gets a rose. What?
Alyson gets a rose.
Chelsie gets a rose.
Lauren gets a rose.
Last rose goes to… Christie.
No rose for Chantel, and Amy L. doesn’t get a rose, either. That reporter thing? So not cute.
She’s disappointed, but she’s okay with it, I think. Chantel is shocked. She felt a connection! She hasn’t dated in so long. Oh, Chantel, you’ll find someone. Poor ducky.