‘The Bachelor’ recap: Week two and the claws come out

01.14.13 5 years ago 4 Comments

Oh boy! It’s week two of “The Bachelor,” and you now what that means — this is the week the women turn on one another! I could rattle on about how limited resources in a confined space tend to bring out a primitive, competitive urge in people, and how this artificial dating pressure cooker has transformed a decent guy into a demigod and otherwise normal women into psychotic monsters. I could, but what fun would that be? Bring on the crazy!

Chris Harrison informs the girls that Sean is the most sincere bachelor who’s EVER been on the show, which means he may not have a hidden scumbag streak. In any case, Chris reveals that he has date cards, which is his way of saying, “Release the kraken! And the kraken is my special code word for the toxic mix of your previously sublimated jealousy, insecurity and self-loathing!”

The first date goes to… One-Armed Sarah. And I can call her One-Armed Sarah, because Sarah will not stop yakking about her armlessness (although it’s really a half-arm situation, if you want to be technical about it). Anyway, she assures us she can love without two hands! Just because she’s unique doesn’t mean she can’t love! Okay, okay, we get it.

Sean picks her up in a helicopter. The women oooh and aaah, because we’ve NEVER seen a helicopter on this show (seriously the helicopter budget on “The Bachelor” is probably higher than some small country GDPs). What I want to tell the women is that to get anywhere in L.A. from friggin Agoura Hills (where “The Bachelor” house is located, in case you feel like stalking) in less than two hours, you need a helicopter. It’s not sexy, it’s just necessary.

Sean reveals he wanted to go on a date with One-Armed Sarah because he admired the fact she addressed the elephant in the room of her armlessness even though she didn’t have to, because he thinks she’s very attractive anyway. If he didn’t care about her arm, why was it an elephant in the room? 

Anyway, they fly to a big office building downtown, then jump off of it. They are, of course, attached to something, but they drop 35 floors before being lowered safely to a nice cement surface. This looks terrifying, but Sarah LOVES it. It was a profound experience. And why was it a profound experience? Well, she has a story to tell about her past, heights, and her HALF-ARM! Of course she does.

It turns out she was in Vegas one time with her dad, and she wanted to zipline somewhere. But the meanies operating the zipline wouldn’t let her do it because they considered her disabled. And she cried. More importantly, her dad said this was exactly the reason she needed a strong man in her life — so he could put up with this stupid crying crap and he wouldn’t have to. Not really. Anyway, Sean is touched. “I consider myself a man,” he says, stating the obvious, “And I feel like a man should protect you.” Protect you from mean zipline operators, that is! 

Back at the house, it’s time for another card — the dreaded group date card! The unlucky chosen are Kristy, Amanda, Brooke, Lesley M., and, like, a hundred other people. This isn’t a group date, it’s a session of Congress. Oh, and Tierra in on the date. Tierra is FURIOUS. She isn’t there to meet friends! Silly Tierra! The quote is, “I didn’t come here to make friends.” If you got it right, Tierra, they could add you to the “I didn’t come here to make friends” meme! 

Back to Sean and One-Armed Sarah. She tells him she had a serious boyfriend for three years, but he wasn’t adventurous. Sean is charmed. He feels so close to her now that they’ve fallen off a building together! He gives her a rose and they kiss. Aaah. I think One-Armed Sarah seems a little boring, honestly, but I think that’s probably fine with Sean. He just wants someone he can protect, like a pound puppy or a valuable Tiffany lampshade. 

Time for the group date! The women find Sean standing on the steps of a palatial estate. Selma thinks he looks like Prince Charming at his castle. I think he looks like a tall, blond guy at a big house, but then, I am not under the sway of a crazy-making TV show. 

The girls must prepare for a photo shoot for Harlequin novels. The woman who has the best chemistry with Sean will win a three cover deal! Wow! Will she get additional compensation? Because really, she should ask for it. But I’m sure Harlequin thinks they’re getting free labor. Let the exploitation begin! 

The girls get their make-up and hair done, and, looking like Bravo celebutantes, they start bitching and clawing at one another every time Sean’s back is turned. Lesley M. kisses Sean while they’re posing, and it’s like, oh no, she di’nt, and then it’s like, GAME ON, bitches! 

The biggest bitch award goes to Tierra, who speaks in aggressive, angry statements. I WON’T LET ANY GIRL STOP ME FROM THE ROSE! I’M NOT HERE TO GET HURT! Okay, calm down, Tierra.

The verdict is in from Harlequin. They thought Lesley M., Selma and Kristy were hot, but Kristy gets the book deal, probably because they know they’d never otherwise meet her hourly rate. Kristy is so happy! She’s a Ford model! And she got to model! She loves to model!  

But Tierra, ARGH! TIERRA-HULK ANGRY! “I’m here for Sean and I want SEAN TO SEE WHAT TIERRA REALLY WANTS!” She’s talking about herself in third person? Really? She IS Tierra-Hulk! 

Later, all the girls get dressed up and ready to attack Sean in the dark. Kacie B. talks to Sean about the first time they met in New York. She was pleasantly surprised! “You treated me like a lady! It’s just how you are! And that’s when things changed!” Yes, I can tell this was a red hot spark of passion — Sean was polite! And Kacie B. was pleasantly surprised! “I left, and I said, you know what, I like the guy,” Kacie B. says in much the same way you might tell the waiter you enjoyed the creamed spinach.

Sean still seems somewhat spooked by Kacie B., as if he thinks she might suddenly produce a poison sac behind her ear or attempt to eat him. Still, he assures her he wants to “explore whatever this is.” Wow, this is SUPER SEXY, isn’t it? 

The other women close in, attempting to lure Sean into their webs/ Catherine tells Sean she’s vegan but she loves the beef. While she strokes his arm and giggles. Oh my. That’s actually kind of rude, isn’t it?  

Daniella thinks Tierra has been mopey all day. But Sean doesn’t mind mopey. In fact, he wants to put her mind at ease. Geez, Sean, maybe she’s just a bitch. She tells him HER FOCUS IS JUST ON HIM! TIERRA-HULK WANTUM MAN! SHE SMASH OTHER GIRLS! ARRRRGH! 

Back at the house, the final date card is produced — Desiree will be getting the last one-on-one. 

Back to the never-ending group date/mass torture experience. Katie the yoga instructor feels excessively uncomfortable in the house. Kacie B. tries to reassure her a little, but on the inside she’s wondering if she can push this sensitive bitch down the stairs without anyone noticing. I know Kacie B. acts all sweet and nice, but man, on the inside she’s HARD.  

Katie tells Sean she’s not adjusting to the house and all these crazy women, as they’re messing up her chakras and her downward dog will never be the same again. Sean says he was the exact same way when he was first in the house during “The Bachelorette”! Katie could give a crap, because she just doesn’t want to stay. Sean walks her out. Kacie B. wants to downplay things with the other girls, but she’s super stoked Katie left. 

Sean has the group date rose. He’s going to give it to… Kacie B. Tierra-Hulk MAD! She WANT TO PUNCH HER! Seriously, she said she wanted to punch Kacie B. I’m not even making up her crazy Tierra-Hulk moments at this point. 

Sean can’t wait to go out with Desiree one-on-one! He and Chris are going to prank her with a fake “The Bachelor” art exhibit, which is all ugly crap, but she won’t know any better. Then, they’ll knock over a piece of crap she’ll think is worth $1.5 million, and the artist will blame her, as she was the only person in the room! What a great way to start a relationship! Embarrassing someone! Sean explains that he wants to be married to his best friend, so when they’re 80 they’ll have something in common. In this case, they’ll share a desire to give Depends wedgies and hide one another’s teeth.

So, the bad art gets knocked over and the fake artist yells and this was a lot more interesting when it was “Punk’d.” Desiree smiles and looks scared, and then Sean tells her it was all a joke, and there is much laughing and merriment. Pranks aren’t much fun on nice people, honestly. 

After the prank, Sean “makes” Desiree dinner (or rather pulls it out of the oven) and they talk. Sean loves his parents. Desiree loves her parents, too! She wants to be best friends with her husband! He wants to be best friends with his wife! They’re so comfortable with one another! Actually, they are very cute together, even if they can’t stop trading lame eHarmony cliches. They get into bathing suits and slip into the hot tub. This reminds me of that gross dating show “Blind Date,” but there’s no blurred-out sex.  

More eHarmony bonding! As a man (if he says this one more time, I’m creating a drinking game), Sean wants to protect his woman and provide for her. Squee, says Desiree! Sean thinks she’s the only one to bring out 100 percent of him, so he gives her a rose. She has every quality he’s looking for. I am calling final two right now. She pretends she isn’t going to take the rose because he pranked her, but that lasts about a hot minute. Of course she’s taking the rose! Then they make out. Maybe this will be like “Blind Date”! Ewww! 

Time for the Cocktail Party o’ Pain! Sean comes in and toasts the girls. Let’s drink! A lot! Oh, and he’s sending home two women, so this week won’t be as bloody as last week. Yay?

The women without roses whine and plead and try not to let their desperation show. Lindsay wants to marry her best friend! I want someone to say they want to marry their comic book arch rival or a potted plant. Or maybe their miniature Doberman. THAT would be interesting.  

Sean has such strong feelings for all of the women! He doesn’t know who to send home! Poor Sean. Just pick the two least pretty ones, dude. Or eenie-meenie-miny-moe it. Seriously, this early in the game some of these women kind of blur together, don’t they?

When Sean isn’t around, the one dark cloud in the room is Amanda. She won’t talk to anyone. No one can read her! Everyone hopes Sean sends her crazy ass home, but you know he won’t because the producers know a good psychopath ready to blow when they see one. 

Robyn wants to know if Sean likes black chicks. Sean thinks this is the best question he’s gotten all night! Sean doesn’t have a type. He likes sweet, smart, funny girls! He’s dated Latina, Persian and African-American women. Robyn is so happy! 

Rose Ceremony! Sean is optimistic his wife is here! 

First rose goes to… AshLee

Second rose goes to… Lindsay

Third rose goes to… Robyn

Fourth rose goes to… Jackie

Fifth rose goes to… Lesley M.

Sixth rose goes to… Selma

Seventh rose goes to… Catherine

Eighth rose goes to… Kristy

Ninth rose goes to… Lesley H.

Tenth rose goes to… Tierra

Eleventh rose goes to… Taryn

Twelfth rose goes to… Daniella

The last rose goes to… Amanda. Wha? Oh, yeah, forgot. That would be the producers of the show in action. Sean doesn’t even look happy about this, by the way.  

You know what would be nice? A little ticker at the bottom of the screen reporting on how many roses are left, the name of the most recent recipient, that sort of thing. They do that for the Heisman Trophy, I think. I may not like sports, but ESPN has some good ideas. 

The two sad rejects look sad and rejected. Brooke was excited about love, but there was no love there. She seems sad, but not devastated. I mean, it’s only week two;  how sad can you get? Sean tells Diana he didn’t want to keep her away from her kids when he had less than zero interest in her, which was nice of him in a horrible way. But she wanted to see where it could go! You don’t have a lot of free time when you’re a single mom! I have to say, she looks 40 even though she’s supposedly only 31, but that could be the sadness and rejection. 

Next week, they go to an amusement park and and one of the girls gets carted away by EMTs. Well, that should be all kinds of fun! 

Which of the women do you think are frontrunners? Who do you think needs to go home? And what do you think causes one of the girls to go tumbling down the stairs? 

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