‘The Bachelorette’ fellas shoot a bad rap video before the claws come out

06.03.13 5 years ago


So, tonight we will be treated to the train wreck that is “The Bachelorette” rap video. Other things happen, of course, but because the chorus to the “song” performed in the video has a brainwashing effect on the guys, it sort of sets the tone. You’ll see. 

Still, a few guys manage to avoid the group date and thus remain sane. First off, Des chooses to have a solo date with Brooks, who is probably going to be the one who proposes. No one else has such great hair, and that seems to be the important criteria for how anyone couples off on this show (well, some guys have been bald, but still). More than that, you can see that Des and Brooks have great chemistry. Unless he tells her he likes sleeping in warm buckets of his own pee or only eats live Labrador puppies, this is probably his to lose. 

Brooks also has a sense of humor, as he doesn’t flinch when Des drags him to the Beverly Hills bridal salon where she works and jokes that she’s going to have him try on dresses (also important is that he doesn’t get hugely excited about this, either). But Des, she’s such a card! In reality, she has him slip into a tux. A Kermit-green tux. He doesn’t mind that, either. Finally, she puts him in a perfect tux and she wears a perfect wedding dress, and they go eat “wedding cake” (well, cupcakes from a truck). So, pretty much guessing she sees him as final two material as well. Remember Ashley and J.P. had the same date? See how that turned out?

Anyway, they hang out on the Hollywood sign (it’s the 90th anniversary of the sign, plug, plug, plug!), make out passionately, then drive into a sketchy area to eat dinner. Have to wonder what the producers were thinking with this, given that they just appear to be meeting in a crappy room and nowhere in particular, but I guess they wanted to be consistent. Crappy part of town, crappy room. But crappy or not, Brooks is in the mood to bond. He wants to know about Des’ family. I’d think this is a vague way of asking if her crazyass brother is still in the picture, but instead she yaps about her parents and how much they love one another.

Brooks, on the other hand, doesn’t know what that’s like, as his parents got divorced and he didn’t talk to his dad  from ages 13 to 19. Then, they met again, he yelled, and they’re working on it. He gets a little weepy. Des is touched. Of course, I think Brooks could say almost anything (see above for exceptions) and Des would be touched. They discover Andy Grammer is performing, they slow dance, they make out, he gets a rose. For the record, there is a LOT of making out. This looks less like a first date and more like a Skinemax movie intro. 

Back at the house, everyone and their dog finds out their on the next date card. Yes, it’s time for the taping of the rap music video that will haunt their dreams for decades and embarrass them every single time they go up for a job interview! 

Kasey never guessed it would be a rap video! He’s #shocked. 

It’s an ugly sight, one that has to be seen to be believed. It’s basically a bunch of white guys trying to act street and failing miserably. The chorus of the rap is “right reasons, right reasons,” and it’s as if ABC planted microchips in all these guys’ heads. From this point forward, no one can stop fixating o whether or not their competition is on the show for the RIGHT REASONS. It’s spooky, really. 

Some of the guys have to wear stupid costumes, but most of them get to wear pants. Poor Brandon not only doesn’t get pants, but has to wave his junk in Des’ face. She appreciates his commitment. Not sure if she appreciates his junk.

We also learn that the rap is about past contestants on “The Bachelorette.” Well, that clears things up, but I do think it’s interesting that Ben is playing the part of the self-promoting jerk, Wes, from season five. 

Soulja Boy’s contribution to the helping the bachelors seems to be telling them to try harder and feel it. 

After filming, the guys get to try to prove they’re chasing Des for the RIGHT REASONS. Zak W. gives her an antique journal that a father gave to his daughter. It’s sort of sad that, despite the dad’s inscription for her to write what’s in her heart, the girl didn’t write a damn thing, but Des thinks it’s a fabulous gift. He’s here for the RIGHT REASONS!

Brandon doesn’t want to pressure Des. If you hold the butterfly too tight, you kill it. Too loose, it flies away. While Brandon is yakking about butterflies, Ben is hunting down Des like a tasty but wascally wabbit. While Mikey T. is trying to bond with Des, Ben busts in to drag her away. I would think Ben would realize that he isn’t as tough or muscle bound as Mikey T. and he’s asking for it, but oh well. 

Ben asks if Des has any questions. Ooh, ooh! I have some! Where’s Brody’s mom? What’s the real deal there? He’s just friends with her? But no, Des has no questions. Idiot. 

But guess who does have questions for Ben? I mean, other than me? Mikey T. does, that’s who!  He tells Ben he’s not happy. He doesn’t hit Ben, but you can tell he wants to hit him. He gets a politician vibe from Ben, who’s only nice to the other guys when cameras are there. Ben tells him he likes his shoes. Mikey T. is momentarily mollified. 

Brandon collars Des and tells her his dad left when he was five, his mom was a drug addict and he had to raise his younger siblings. Des  loves that he’s so positive! And surely isn’t damaged in any way!

Still, Des isn’t completely wowed by Brandon’s tale of woe, because she still gives the rose to Ben. Ick. 

Next one-on-one goes to… Bryden! And they’re taking a road trip! Whoot! Nothing like the movie “Road Trip,” but more like a big, long date stuck in a car with a camera crew following at a safe distance.

Des and Bryden hop in the car and eat their way along the coast. El Matador Beach. Orange Grove. Ojai. Are they going to a spa? Yes, yes, they are. Des thinks it’s the best road trip she’s ever had! And she didn’t have to pay for the gas!

Ah, but it’s time to pay in other ways after they park. Time to bond! Bryden must tell his tale of woe. He was in a really bad construction accident and had a collapsed lung and 100 staples in his head and shoulder. He even has pictures! Des, who seems to be enjoying all these sad stories, loves the pictures and loves Bryden explaining how he joined the military. She gives him a rose. 

After dinner, they also go to the hot tub. She smiles at him, he babbles. He moves closer and babbles. He babbles and babble and BABBLES until she says, “Just kiss me already” and lunges at him. Yeah, they have chemistry. 

Second rose ceremony! Ben, Brooks and Bryden have roses, but all the other guys have to fight for their roses. I mean, show Des they’re there for the RIGHT REASONS. 

Michael G. has to tell Des that he has Type 1 diabetes. Is the theme for tonight bonding through hospital visits and bad daddies? Because Ben is a tremendous jerk and can’t let anyone else spend a second with Des, he busts in just as Michael is about to swallow a glass of lemonade to prove how much he loves Des. Kidding! But he would, because he’s there for the RIGHT REASONS.

Ben’s little stunt may impress Des (if she can swallow his increasingly cheesy dialogue) but it doesn’t wow anyone else. Mickey T. is pissed. Brandon is pissed. Bent tells Des he likes to see her smile (gag) and he loves that he knows a secret! That she’s a good kisser and none of the other guys know! Yeah, don’t be a dumbass, Ben. Instead of rolling her eyes or telling him he’s delusional, Des kisses him. Ick, ick. 

After Des frees herself, the guys attack Ben. But Ben doesn’t apologize. Instead, Ben feels people see him as selfish, but he did what he needed to do for his relationship with Des. He acts like he protected Des from an onslaught of hungry dinosaurs instead of ruined other guys’ chances with her. What a hero. 

The guys start comparing notes about Ben, and determine he’s not there for the RIGHT REASONS. 

Rose ceremony! Chris Harrison tells the guys he can tell they’re taking this “very serious.” WHAT? Chris, use adverbs correctly! Correct-LY! Anyway, time for roses. 

First rose for James.

Second rose for Kasey. Oh,  he’s still on? I’m #surprised.

Third rose for Dan.

Fourth rose for Juan Pablo. In Spanish, no less!

Fifth rose for Brad.

Sixth rose for Chris.

Seventh rose for Brian.

Eighth rose for Zak W.

Ninth rose for Drew.

Tenth rose for Mikey T.

Eleventh rose for Zack K.

Twelfth rose for Michael G.

Last rose for… Brandon.

That means Will, whom she calls Zeus, is out. He seems okay with it. He wants to find someone to high five for the rest of his life. He thinks he put himself too far into the friend zone. Also out is Robert. He’s sad, but I barely remembered he was on the show. Nick M. is shocked, but he must have had bigger moments with her than we saw, because I’m not. Bye, guys. 

She appreciates everyone who’s left, meaning Bryden, Brooks, Ben, Juan Pablo and some other guys who aren’t as special to her. Sorry, but that’s what it looks like.

I am so excited to see the girlfriend who comes to visit, aren’t you? Because clearly, someone is not on the show for the RIGHT REASONS. 

Do you think Ben is a jerk? Who are you rooting for? Which date did you like the most? 

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