A lot of things happened in this week’s episode of “The Bachelorette,” the least jarring of which might have been Kasey’s use of the non-word “counteraccusate.” Most of the drama was a continuation of the nastiness that broke out following last week’s revelation that James may be a scumbag, but that hardly meant that the episode was predictable. It also didn’t mean the bachelors or Des made a lot of sense most of the time. I’ve heard less circular arguments in high school student congress debates. I will attempt to boil down the pertinent information in a handy list of what we’ve learned in Barcelona, as I’m pretty sure no one wants to feel their head explode reading a detailed play by play of how James rationalized his skeevy behavior.
1) James would be a great serial killer or a politician — This week, Kasey and Drew took on a two-pronged approach to pushing James under the bus. First, Drew tattles to Des on their one-on-one date (and was wise enough to wait until he had a rose in hand). Next, Kasey confronts James about the conversation he had with Mickey when they both clearly thought everyone else in the car was asleep.
Initially, James denies he ever said anything about being the next “Bachelor.” So, Drew and Kasey were listening to the radio and didn’t realize it? When Michael G., the pesky prosecutor, gets involved, James decides to sidestep facts in deflecting the accusations. Mikey started the conversation! James has a strong sense of self! He isn’t on the show to make friends! He’s just in tune with reality! The guys are just jealous! The one argument that might get the guys to soften their attack is the one he never makes — that he’s falling in love with Des, and he’s really sorry for being a jackass. Oh well!
Amazingly, he doesn’t even manage to squeak out the “L” word when Des pulls him aside for more than one chat about The Incident in the Car. He respects Des, he thinks she has many marriage-worthy qualities, he cares for her, blah blah blah. I’ve gotten more impassioned pitches from guys trying to sell me a Honda. Still, he manages to work up some watery eyes, which impresses Des to no end (golly, he almost kind of cried, unless he has allergies or a freshly cut onion somewhere!). She seems on the verge of sending him packing more than once — but she just can’t do it when he gives her those serial killer/puppy dog eyes! Finally, Des does what she needs to do, which is a relief to all the other guys since they had threatened a mutiny if James didn’t go home (and you know they really, really didn’t want to do that).
2) Drew might (or might not) be the dark horse to watch — Though Drew did fritter away some of his valuable one-on-one time with Des to yap about James, it hardly mattered. Drew spent the rest of his time kissing Des and telling her sob stories that made her face crumple up in the middle like a soggy pecan pie. Drew’s dad is his hero! Because he’s an alcoholic who’s sober now! And the old man has cancer! And Drew would love for Des to meet him! Then, at dinner Drew impulsively grabs Des’ hand, drags her into an alley, and makes out with her while the camera crew fumbles around with equipment, quietly cursing Drew and his damn romantic impulsiveness.
Now, I would be putting my money on Drew to make the final two after this date — I was really wondering if there’s a bookie for “The Bachelorette” right up until the last moments of the show. Alas, the promos for future episodes make Drew look less like a dark horse and more like a royal weenie, so I’ll be investing in mutual funds or lottery tickets, I guess.
3) James is the crappiest soccer goalie ever — The group date should have been tons of fun. After all, Des gathers up the guys for a game of soccer, then tells them they’re going to be playing against her and “her team” — a gaggle of pro female soccer players. Of course, the guys have Juan Pablo, so there’s a good chance they’ll do okay, right? Not with James defending the goal! This guy acted like he was being attacked by black widow spiders or rabid Justin Bieber fans every time a ball got within ten feet of him. As the guys note, James doesn’t seem to be trying at anything this week — not soccer, and certainly not impressing Des.
4) Des writes even crappier poetry than Chris does — During the group date, Des pulls Chris aside to snuggle and read him a poem she’s written. As we know, Chris scored big points by doing exactly that earlier, so we know Des doesn’t care if a poem is well written as long as it rhymes. Still, it was remarkable how craptastic her poem was, sort of like something a kid might have written in fourth grade but tossed away when he got a C+ for lack of effort. Still, this may be a good sign. She and Chris are made to write terrible Valentine’s Day cards for one another someday!
5) Zak W. never misses an opportunity to go topless — The other one-on-one of the week was between Zak W. and Des, and given that he gets stuck with a date right after the whole mess with James blows up, it’s a testament to how much fun this weirdo is that Des still has a great time. Yes, they kiss and giggle and take an art class together, but Zak W. doesn’t do much more than flinch when they find themselves facing a male nude model, which they’re then expected to sketch. I can’t think of many things that would put as much of a damper on a date as this could, at least not things that don’t involve lost wallets, skinny dipping in cold weather or incontinence. And yet, Zak W. finds a way to make fun of the situation AND do what he does best — he strips down to his tighty whities, drops a robe, and strikes some poses. I can’t fault him for it, as he does have exceptional abs. If you’ve got it, flaunt it, right?
6) This was a sad rose ceremony for Latin lovers — It was only a matter of time before Kasey got sent home (#lovefail), and it was delightful to see James stomp off into the sunset, accusing the other guys of “bullying” him out of the game. But the third to go was poor Juan Pablo. Sure, the language barrier might have been an issue, but there was no one who oozed more raw sex appeal this season than this guy.
In his exit interview he talks about wanting to find a stepmom for his daughter and how hard it is to date when you have a kid. Then, he cries a little. Somewhere, women are creating a fan club and, possibly, stalking him. He won’t be single for long, unless some lunachick stabs him in the heart.
Though I know some of you feel discussion of the promos at the end of the episode falls in the “spoiler” category, I can’t not mention this week’s CRAZY promo — we see Brooks crying. Drew appears to break up with Des. Chris cries. Someone says his heart is exploding in his chest. Des says she just wants to go home. This might be the unhappiest “Bachelorette” ever. Yay?
Were you glad to see James go? What do you think is going on with Drew? Why would Brooks cry?