‘The Bachelorette’ has bloodshed, gunslinging and a woman scorned

06.10.13 4 years ago


So this should be an exciting episode — the promos promise an angry girlfriend (hell hath no fury like one) and a visit to the medic. This is like the Red Wedding of “The Bachelorette”! 

Things start off with a goofy group date. Ten guys, horrible uniforms, and dodgeball! Dodgeball can be surprisingly rough when you have grown men playing (more like rugby than a cute playground sport for kids), so it’s not quite humiliating all on its own. No, the guys have to be suited up like extras in a Will Ferrell movie, complete with headbands and hot pants. I honestly think this is supposed to give Des a chance to decide if she can ever be turned on by any of these guys after having seen them in these uniforms. 

There’s a red team and a blue team, and the guys will be forced to parade around in their Dolphin shorts at, yes, the Americana shopping mall in Glendale. Poor things. Lots of tourists on hand will get to see both the dancing water fountain and, possibly, a testicular wardrobe malfunction. 

The guys pound one another with tiny rubber balls, which travel a lot faster and hit a lot harder when you have a bunch of guys desperate to impress a hot chick. The first game goes to the blue team, the second to the red team, but wait! There is an injury!

Brooks, otherwise known as The Cute One, has broken his finger. Des is so upset! She hates to see him in pain! And she was really planning to make out with him later! He is carted away by medics and, to his credit, totally didn’t cry or anything. 

One guy is pulled off the blue team to even things out, but no matter. The third and final game goes to the blue team. So, much rejoicing! Right up until Des tells the guys they worked SO hard they ALL get to join her for drinks and snuggles! Blue team stops rejoicing quite so much.

So, Des gets passed around like a soccer ball (or dodgeball) at the after party. Brad has something he has to tell Des. He needed to make sure they had a connection first, but now he’s ready to tell her… he has a three-year-old son. Sort of like Ben, but unlike Ben, Brad isn’t an asshat who uses his kid as a prop. The mom is out of the picture and, apparently, is a horrible drunk who (if I’m doing the math right) might have been drinking right through the pregnancy. Yay! Oh, and she had cops arrest Brad for domestic violence. This story is getting less appealing as it continues, but Des seems charmed. The good news is that, even though this story seems to imply Brad has a soft spot for crazy, he’s still better than Ben. 

Chris the mortgage broker drags Des away next. I keep forgetting he’s on the show, in part because he looks like a couple other guys and hasn’t said anything noteworthy. Anyway, he feels he and Des have a real connection for some reason. And I guess they do, because even though Brooks broke his finger, went running to the party still wearing his horrible red uniform, and made out with Des for an awfully long time, she gives the date rose to Chris. Well, she can’t give all the roses to Brooks, even when he bleeds for her. 

Chris really scores by getting the date rose, because he gets to slow dance with Des while Kate Earl sings. This leads to making out, of course. I guess there’s chemistry there, so you go, dark horse whose name usually escapes me!

Kasey gets the one-on-one date this week, and James is so disappointed! Hashtag SuckItJames! Kasey is so excited! Nothing could ruin this super awesome date! Mwahahahahahaha!

But before Kasey and Des can go on the Worst First Date Ever That Didn’t Involve Jail or A Fatality, Chris Harrison calls Des to tell her some “bizarre news” about one of the guys. When she hears it, Des says, “What a bleep!” so you know it’s bad. Des had braced herself for the possibility someone might be dishonest, but she never prepared herself for This. And what is This? Oh, it’s good. Crazy good. 

First, Des comes over, tells Kasey to cool his jets, and drags Brian onto the patio. Yeah, Brian. He hadn’t really registered thus far, so this should be interesting. 

So, uh, something to tell me? Des asks. Nope. Brian is the coolest of cool cucumbers. This guy wouldn’t sweat in the defendant’s chair during a murder trial. So, no relationships? You’re in this to win it? Yeah? Hey, Brian, meet your not-really-ex-girlfriend Stephanie!

Stephanie sobs and cries and generally acts kind of crazy. “Don’t sit here and lie on national television!” she screeches while Brian looks at her like she’s nuts. “I tried to break up with you the day before you came to the show! Don’t you care about my son Donovan? He looks up to you!” She also calls Brian a lying, deceitful pig, just for good measure. Brian doesn’t blink. I swear he’s going to look at Des and Chris Harrison and say, hey, can you take away this mental patient I’ve never seen before, the poor dear lunatic? 

Still, he admits he cares a lot about Stephanie, and finally the nail in the coffin is that he had sex with Stephanie two days before coming onto the show. Whether or not he likes her or cares about her or just thinks she’s a pathetic single mom he can use as a mattress back, that’s the end for Des. Brian is sent upstairs to a STINKING PIGSTY of a room (my GOD, these guys live like feral frat boys) to pack his bags. 

Most of the guys are quietly horrified but secretly thrilled to have another guy out of the way. But Brandon is not one of these guys. He is UPSET. He knows what it’s like to be Stephanie’s kid! His mom brought guys home and he hoped they’d be his new daddy, but then they LEFT! Brandon cries. Yeah, Brandon has HUGE issues. 

So, on that happy note, Kasey and Des go off for their date from hell. First, they’ll try Bandalooping (I guess) on the side of a building, which looks beautiful (it’s like what it would be like if your window washer was from Cirque de Soleil!) but hurts and isn’t fun. Des is exhausted. Kasey is exhausted. Des thinks she’s peed her pants. Yay, great start to a great date!

Des knows it’s been a crap day, but she doesn’t blame Kasey. She just hopes the evening can be salvaged. So, they settle in for their romantic dinner on the top of the building — which goes to hell in a hand basket when the Santa Ana winds kick up and blow Des’ hair into her mouth. So, they get into the pool. That’ll save the evening! Except the pool isn’t heated and it’s freezing. Kasey doesn’t care! He just wants to be near Des! Yeah, Des just wants to be warm and, at this point, be left alone. Des even admits it’s a disastrous date. Hashtag suckage. 

Finally, they end their date on the stairs, and I think Des feels so awful for how everything has gone she coughs up a rose for Kasey. Hashtag winning! 

Next, we have a group date for James, Bryden, Juan Pablo, Zak W. and Dan. They are off to a Wild West outing with the stunt team for the new Disney movie “The Lone Ranger” (plug, plug, plug). The guys will go through the same cowboy boot camp that Johnny Depp and Armie Hammer went through, and whoever emerges the most awesome will win one-on-one time with Des. Zak W. is sure he’ll be the lone ranger. Ha ha, he made a punny! 

Mostly the guys look somewhere between cute and ridiculous. Des declares Bryden is dreamy, Zak W. hilarious, and Dan’s pants split. Still, he picks Des up and carries him in his arms, which probably makes up for the pants-splitting incident. Juan Pablo does his skit in Spanish and is, of course, effortlessly hot. 

The winner is… Juan Pablo. The reward is that they get to eat popcorn in a movie theater/barn, which really means they get to make out. Hey, they get to see “The Lone Ranger” early! It’s the best date she’s had in forever, she declares. Well, I bet that makes all the other guys feel swell. Anyway, she LOVES the movie (plug, plug) and she’d love to go on more movie dates with Juan Pablo, as he’s distracting in the best way. They make out. A lot. Oh, yeah. He gets a rose, I’m sure. 

Still, Juan Pablo only gets Des during the movie, which is probably best as they may not have a lot to talk about. The guys doesn’t read books and English is his second language, so he’s going far on pure hotness, to be sure. Des is reunited with the other guys for an evening cuddle party. First, Bryden snuggles up with Des in his very reserved way. Des has to make all the moves, which sucks, but at least when she does he’s “on it.” There is kissing! 

Zak W. wants Des to know that everyone loves her. Everyone thinks she’s so positive! Zak W., speak in the first person! They laugh about how Zak W. tried to kiss her. Come on, Zak W., just kiss her. Stop joking around. Jeez. If you get sent home, we’ll know why. 

James snuggles up with Des next. He talks. And talks. And talks. And his dad has pancreatic cancer. And he talks. He wants to know if he’s wasting his time. She hugs him. All she can do is reassure him. Oh, James gets the rose! Maybe she got as bored as we did and she decided the only way to shut him up was to give him a flower. 

The next day, Chris Harrison shows up at bachelor house, which is never a good thing. But in this case, it doesn’t sound so bad. The cocktail party has been canceled, so Des wants to see all the guys at a relaxed, chill pool party instead! Yay!

But when Des arrives, Ben sneaks out of the house and tells Des he wants to drag her away for a fifteen minute car ride. And Des, dammit, says, sure! Sounds great! She thinks he’s just a humble, sweet guy who’ll treat a girl the way she deserves to be treated! Really, Des? He’s an ass!

Of course, some of the guys see that Ben took off with Des and delayed the party, so I’m waiting for someone to hold his head under the water in the hot tub. 

Mikey T. is on Ben like white on rice. So, Ben, do YOU need alone time with Des? Yup! You do not lie to Mikey T. Mikey T. thinks Ben deserves a punch in the face. Mikey T. corners him and confronts him about his mini-date with Des. Ben claims he doesn’t kiss and tell, that’s all. Mikey T. thinks he’s full of crap, but alas, there’s no punching. Maybe next week!

Brandon also needs alone time with Des, because he has to remind her he’s damaged. Badly, badly damaged.  His daddy LEFT HIM. It still HURTS! He will NEVER HURT HER. He will NEVER LET HER DOWN. He thinks about her ALL DAY LONG. He kisses her and she laughs. Oh boy. 

Chris Harrison breaks up the pool party. Mikey T. really hopes Ben doesn’t get a rose. I’m with Mikey T. 

Rose ceremony! Des is wearing a car wreck of a dress, by the way. Still, she looks pretty despite it. 

First rose goes to… Bryden.

Second rose goes to… Juan Pablo.

Third rose goes to… Zak W.

Fourth rose goes to… Brooks. Damn straight!

Fifth rose goes to… Drew.

Sixth rose goes to… Zack K. 

Seventh rose goes to… Brad

Eighth rose goes to… Michael G.

Ninth rose goes to… Mikey T. 

Final rose goes to… Ben. Of course. The producers probably demand that she give this asshat a rose, whether or not she wants to. She seems kind of sad about it, really. 

Dan and Brandon are going home. Big hug from Dan. He looks just like Chris, so this should make it easier for viewers. 

Poor Brandon is crushed. He doesn’t understand. Des tries to explain he isn’t right for her, and doesn’t mention that he’s freaky intense and horribly damaged.Brandon mutters it was a giant mistake. Des, because she’s much too nice, chases after Brandon to talk to him. He doesn’t understand! There’s no chemistry, dude. She just knows. And she’s so sorry! It sucks so bad, because he’s so in love with her in his creepy, sad, obsessive way. He can’t even cry. He’s just out of tears. 

Next week, it’s off to Atlantic City. And it seems that next week it’s time for the guys to start calling Ben out to Des. Yay!

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