The bachelors and Des are off to Munich, so… lots of beer, yodeling and sledding! Because “The Bachelorette” has never met a cultural cliche it doesn’t like! This will be great fun, I’m sure, but the big nail biter in this episode is the dreaded two-on-one. As in seasons past, the most loathed creepazoid will be sharing the date with Des with a likable guy we doubt she’ll pick.
Even though I’m fairly sure this will play out the way all of these dates play out (the creepazoid gets the rose and we scream at the television), I’m hoping against hope that Des fights back against producer manipulating her to follow the formula and actually kicks the jerk to the curb. And you know which jerk I mean — Ben. It’s not even anything I have against Ben (though I don’t care for him a bit). I’d just like to think this show isn’t as thoroughly predictable as it seems to be. Still, this episode starts throwing big curveballs before the first hour is over — so I’ll withhold judgment, briefly.
We kick things off with the one-on-one, which goes to Chris. They canoodle! They ask people to help them find things using extremely poor German. They’re having so much fun! They’re doing silly Germanic dances! Chris doesn’t think anything could go wrong!
Cue Bryden. It turns out Bryden doesn’t feel the way he thinks he should feel for Des. Seriously? They are so cute together! He’s so cute! He’s so nice! No! Anyway, he’s going to go home. In fact, he can’t wait another moment. He’s going to find Des wherever she is and tell her he’s out. I am so sorry to hear this, because he actually seemed like he was, yes, there for (I can’t believe I’m saying this) the right reasons. Plus, I had twenty bucks on him to make the finals. Kidding.
This willingness to walk is very noble of him, but it’s also kind of taking a crap on his pal Chris. I wish he would just wait until her date with him is over, or at least until Chris has a rose. It’s just going to suck the joy out of his time with her.
And so, Bryden hunts for Des and Chris through the streets of Munich (and oddly, he finds plenty of people who speak fluent English, which didn’t seem the case for Des). When he finds them, he pulls Des aside and breaks the news. She doesn’t seem hurt, exactly, but a little pissed. She can’t quite understand why he didn’t figure this out before he crossed the Atlantic and wasted her damn time, but whatever.
She doesn’t need to talk about it — but Chris is open to talking about it! And so, she talks about it. It’s so annoying! Why didn’t he just wait to bring it up tomorrow? Des pretends not to care, but we know she does. Still, Chris reassures her that he’s in it to win it. Not literally, but he tells her he’s a good, decent guy who is really into her. To prove that he’s a relationship guy, he shares his terrible rhyming poetry with her! So, she gives him a rose, possibly to shut him up. Then, there’s music performed live by Matt White (plug, plug, plug). Chris thinks this is epic! It’s fairy tale! Well, it is very nice, and maybe someday he’ll be able to tell his wife about the nice date he had on national TV, because I don’t think Chris is getting the final rose.
Back at the house, there is more bad news — Michael G. and Ben will be on a two-on-one date. Noooo! Michael G. considers this the worst possible scenario. He has to hang out with the asshat who is clearly lying to Des and he doesn’t know what to do! This two-on-one is always a mess, and not just because it sounds like a porn video shoot. If you toss the creepazoid under the bus, it blows up in your face. If you try to be nice, the creepazoid steals the date. This never, ever ends well.
But before the two-on-one can happen, we get a group date. The bachelors go to the top of Germany’s highest peak and meet a yodeler. The cute little yodeler teaches the bachelors how to yodel, because nothing turns on a girl more than guys hitting high notes. But I will say, Juan Pablo commits totally and is still hot. That’s remarkable, really.
Because they’re at the top of a dangerous ski slope, the bachelors and Des decide to slide down it. Yay! As Kasey points out, it’s like sledding down a black diamond ski slope, and it’s a huge pile-up of crazy as everyone wipes out. Drew even slides into Des, but she just laughs it off, pops her shoulder back in its socket (kidding) and keeps going. This bachelorette is tough!
Next, they go into an in igloo/ice hotel, which looks crazy cool inside. And also literally cool. There are beds and furniture and stuff! The couch isn’t ice, though, which seems like cheating to me. Come on, ice hotel!
Des, who is clearly still a little ticked about Bryden but doesn’t want to admit it, tells anyone on the fence to go the hell home. Oh, but no one wants to go home. They want to cuddle and make babies and generally make Des fall madly in love with them. Mikey T. wants the rose so much! So, he makes misshapen snowmen with Des, because women love that.
Zak W. brings her liquids in blue glasses, then yodels to get her attention. Mikey T. pretends to be amused by this, but actually wants to kill him. Still, Zak W. has something interesting to say. Ten years ago he thought he was going to be a priest, then packed up his stuff, went to Europe, and stood at the top of a mountain JUST LIKE THE ONE THEY’RE ON and decided not to be a priest. He wanted to be with someone, hint, hint. Des is touched. I have more questions for Zak W., honestly. Uh, priest? How’d you decide on that? Was it the only major that didn’t have a math requirement, or were you really thisclose to signing up?
Anyway, Drew reveals to the guys that he thinks James is a player. He hates that Des is so into him when he’s one way around her and another way with the guys. As in, he’s cutting, short and vulgar, sort of like an unfunny Don Rickles. Brooks wishes Des could see who he really is. But whatever shall they do? Swoon, faint!
On the group date, Des gives Brooks the rose. James is so pissed! Brooks is nothing like him! He’s a serious guy! And, apparently, crass and nasty to people. So… Des should be into that? And not the guy with great hair?
Finally, it’s on to the battle to the death — the two-on-one. Des thinks it will be a lot of fun. HAHAHAHA!
First, she suggests a polar bear plunge! The guys are game. Not happy, but game. Luckily, she fakes them out and tells them they’ll be in a hot tug. That, if you’re wondering (because of course you are), is a hot tub tug boat, which is actually pretty cool.
But you know what’s not cool? This date. Michael G. rolls his eyes when Ben answers questions in his ridiculous politician way. I get it, but Michael G. is going to shoot himself in the foot. Then, Michael G. asks Ben about his ex. Has he talked to his son, you know, lately? Ben ducks and dodges every question, and this is only making Michael G. look bad.
As this trial by fire continues (and Michael G. is an attorney, so it’s pretty harsh), Des looks uncomfortable. She’s stuck in the middle of the lake with two miserable guys. Ben thinks it’s hard to be a good Christian and not react. I think it’s hard to watch. I’m rooting for Michael G., but this can’t end well for him.
Back at the apartment, Drew is talking about James talking about getting onto “The Bachelor.” Mikey T. and James debate the joys of being “The Bachelor.” Kasey thinks it’s especially upsetting to find someone is here for the wrong reasons (gasp! THE WRONG REASONS!) He thinks it should come up at the cocktail party. Drew is willing to tell Des. He will be her knight in sorta gossipy armor! Brooks thinks there could be zero guys at the end of this. I think they’re all (or really, all but one) worried for nothing, because Brooks is probably going to win.
Michael G. and Ben sit down with Des at dinner. Des looks like she’s facing an execution by lethal injection or hanging. Michael G. tells Ben everyone knows that he hasn’t gotten along with everyone, so why is that? Hmmmmmmmm? Ben says he got along with some guys in the house. He’s here for Des! Michael G. thinks it’s not hard to get along with this group of guys. So…. why do you suck, Ben? Des tries to change the subject. She doesn’t want this line of questioning to be the main focus. In fact, she’d like anything else to be the main focus. Brain surgery, cookies, fish. Anything.
Michael G. points out Ben didn’t talk to his son on Easter. He continues pummeling Ben while Des squirms. I am expecting him to at some point stand up and scream, “OBJECTION!” because he seems to have forgotten he’s not at the office. Poor bunny misses his job, I think.
Ben excuses himself so he doesn’t punch Michael G. And, as expected, Des is pissed — at Michael G. I’m a little pissed at Michael G. myself, which is shocking. He’s just beating Ben against the ropes, which is making him more sympathetic instead of less. But golly, he’s just standing up for what’s right, Michael G. protests! Yes, but maybe don’t make Ben cry. Des might marry him on the spot.
Outside, Des goes to (gag) comfort poor widdle Ben. Ben has never had anyone question his faith! Or his fatherhood! At least not to his face, because an entire nation has pretty much questioned that for the last few weeks so I’m guessing it’s come up before. He’s trying to gather his thoughts, but he’ll come back in, because he wants to spend time with Des.
Des knows that Ben being the outcast isn’t good, but she’s torn. Still, she thinks Ben is a sweet guy. So, she wants Michael G. to tell her why he’s beating the crap out of Ben. Is that a glimmer of hope for him? Maybe? She’s seen this show, so she knows the jerk on the two-on-one is always a real jerk.
This is Michael G.’s chance to tell Des he really likes her. But does he? Waiting… waiting… not yet. Okay, finally. He says he feels very strongly about her. But that’s it. I don’t think that’s going to make a difference. Even he knows his chances are pretty blown.
Time for the rose. Des tells Ben she believes he’s a good person and a good father. She tells Michael G. she can always be herself around him. And… this is hard for her… and… the person getting the rose is the one she can see a future with… and it’s going to… she gives the rose to MICHAEL G.
OH MY GOD. WOW. I am so impressed! Des has watched the show before! She’s stood up for herself! Ben curses and spews and stalks out. Des doesn’t walk him out, then she gets up from the table so I guess she wants to talk to him. She tells him she knows he misses his son, so she wants to send him home. Or something. I am shocked. I’m thrilled, but I’m shocked.
The guys wait up to see who comes home. The butler takes… Ben’s bags. They celebrate, and I don’t blame them.
Ben gets in the limo and starts showing his true colors like an angry iguana. He tells the camera crew they’re gonna be sorry, because they may not have a bachelor. How long until he can be seen in public with somebody, because he can’t wait! Let’s go drinking! Aarrrgh!
Time for the cocktail party! First, Des sits down with Chris Harrison for a chat. She won’t tell him who is the best kisser, but I’m thinking the answer is “Brooks.” And what does she answer? Brooks. But who does she want to make out with? Zak W. is a great kisser. Well, that’s a twist. Priest wannabes do it better!
Des admits that, thanks to Bryden, she’s worried that some of these guys aren’t feeling it. Chris asks her if she’s worried she’ll be ready to get a proposal and that special guy backs out. Way to plant an idea, Chris Harrison.
Des doesn’t want to have a cocktail party tonight. Chris Harrison is shocked. How can she be so sure? Because she’s tired and she knows who’s going to win this, so whatever, Chris Harrison.
All of the guys settle into the main room, and some are plotting against James. Oh, boys. It doesn’t matter, because Brooks is going to win. More importantly, you’re not getting a chance to talk to her, because there’s no cocktail party. Drew looks like he’s going to pass out. He won’t be able to toss James under the bus! And he might go home! Aaagh!
Time for roses!
First rose… Zak W.
Second rose… Kasey.
Third rose… Juan Pablo. I know they don’t have much to talk about, but I bet she wants to keep him until fantasy suites.
Fourth rose… Drew.
Fifth and final rose… James.
We now have our new Ben! Of course, it was important to get a new villain, so James is probably easy to hate. Drew is so angry! He thinks James is an immature, self-serving, shallow piece of something.
Des walks out Mikey T. Why didn’t she want to know me more? Sniffle! She’s missing out! He would have treated her great! Her pipes would never leak! There are benefits to hooking up with a plumbing contractor.
Kasey is angry that James is still there. Drew is angry, too. Brooks fixes his hair. Next week, Barcelona! There will be crying. And yelling. Oh goody!
Do you think James is a dirtbag? Were you shocked that Ben got the boot?