‘The Bachelorette’ meets a truly weird assortment of guys

05.27.13 4 years ago 7 Comments


Before we begin, I have to say this season of “The Bachelorette” may have some of the weirdest and creepiest contenders yet. I’m shocked everyone (in theory) passed a background check before joining the show, and I’m hoping wherever they stay doesn’t have sharp objects. I’m also wondering if Desiree was chosen to be “The Bachelorette” in part because she’s too nice to run screaming for the hills as the nut jobs pile up. But yes, even Des, it seems, has a limit, and gives one spectacularly skeevy guy the boot BEFORE the rose ceremony. Hey, I was just impressed that she stopped herself at one. 

Even though I thought Desiree would be (and rooted for her to become) the latest Bachelorette, how things went down on “The Bachelor” made me worry about her a bit. He insistence that she only wanted to give to a relationship and how much she wanted to make Sean happy made me want to buy her some tissues and a therapy visit. What about being happy herself? 

I suppose going on “The Bachelorette” may be just right for Des, because instead of focusing on making a guy happy, she’ll be taking center stage, like it or not. She’ll also have to get used to kicking guys to the curb, week after week, and instead of fretting about their feelings (though I’m sure she will), she’ll have to focus on what she wants the most. Okay, so, no more worrying for Des. After all, she’s living like friggin’ Cinderella. Or really, Malibu Barbie.

I love that she drives up to her Malibu mansion with her car knocking and pinging away (though I have to wonder if the producers added that). But never fear! Chris Harrison gives her the keys to a bright aqua Bentley convertible. We are reminded of why this is exciting by Des, who tells us that she, her brother and her parents all lived in a tiny apartment when she was growing up. Still, she felt blessed! Her parents are still married! She’s ready for love! 

Um, Des is already crying a lot and nothing’s happened yet. She hasn’t even met a single guy. I may have to go back to worrying about Des. Hope ABC invested in Kleenex. Anyway, she needs someone who can communicate. She loves cuddling! And sharing her life! But when she falls in love, she falls head over heels. She is ready! I am waiting for Hallmark to create a line of greeting cards made up entirely of cheesy lines spoken by people on this show. They really write themselves. 

Finally, it’s time to meet the fellas. This is what we call a mixed bag full of chocolates and broken glass. Let’s hope she gets to the good stuff without losing a finger. 

I’m going to skip over the clip stuff and get right to how these guys decide to meet Des. Because, given how craptastic some of these first impressions are, she may want to send a LOT of these guys home. 

First limo arrives! And out climbs… Drew. We met him earlier, when he told us his extremely depressing backstory. His dad’s an alcoholic, his parents are divorced, his sister is mentally challenged… all he left out was that the orphanage burned down (some of you will get that reference). He tells Des he couldn’t be happier she’s the Bachelorette. Okay, not a spectacular meeting, but fine. Later I will truly appreciate the fact he didn’t bring schtick. Because pretty soon, we’re neck deep in schtick. It’s as if “The Bachelorette” time traveled to a cheesy disco circa 1977 and everyone wanted to read Des’ palm and ask her sign. 

Brooks, marketing consultant, is next. He’s excited to meet her. Everyone forgets to introduce themselves! He asks for another hug and goes inside. Also, no schtick. And he’s very, very cute. 

So far, so good. No schtick. Granted, I don’t hate schtick. It can work in small doses. But this show is not about small doses. 

Brad, an accountant, is next. He references Des throwing a coin into the fountain when she was on “The Bachelor,” and brings a wishbone for them to make a wish. AND he lets her win. Smart. Okay, schtick that works. 

Bryden tells Des that Sean made a huge mistake. I hope mentioning Sean wan’t a huge mistake, but I don’t think this guy could make a huge mistake, really. He lives in Missoula, he’s an Iraq veteran, he’s had his heart broken, and he’s cute. He’s also really excited to go after Desiree. 

Early to say, but I see Bryden as final eight at least. 

Michael G. wants to go for a little walk… to the fountain. Yeah, all the guys are going to harp on the fountain. But Michael G. is going to find the penny she threw in with Sean. Um, stop, Michael G. Just stop. You know production cleans the place before they leave, right? He doesn’t find the penny, of course, but he produces a new one and they make a wish. That wasn’t the best gimmick, but it wasn’t terrible. 

What is terrible? Kasey, who informs Des that he’s looked her up on social media (creepy) and he has lots of hashtags for her. Like #beautiful girl. I have a hashtag for him! #bozo. 

Will is next. He tells Des he wants to nickname her Athena, because she’s the goddess of wisdom. And she’s smart. And she’s pretty. And he wants Des to think of a nickname for him. Sigh. Will, seriously, you have crossed the line into Tryingtohardland. Get out. But we did meet Will earlier, and he’s a banker who likes to high five people and do Bikram yoga. I have hope for Will.

Mikey T. tells Des he’s an older brother, so he totally understands her relationship with her brother. Des nods, but I think she finds this as weird as all of us do. Yes, we remember Des’ brother. We also remember how he kind of harpooned Des’ chances with Sean. Wouldn’t see the good in bringing up the bro, Mikey T.  

Jonathan brings Des an envelope and asks her to open it. “Should you choose to forgo the remaining men,” it says, then goes on to say that Des can join Jonathan in the fantasy suite. A room key is enclosed. Des is NOT interested. This is Jonathan’s first hint that his “cute” (read creepy as hell) idea is a flop. We will be returning to this. Frequently. 

And then… Zak W. gets out of the limo without a shirt. WTF? He has to ask, Des, will you accept these abs? I had thought Zak W. seemed fun. He’s a drilling fluid engineer. He lives on a big tract of land in the middle of nowhere. But now he just seems desperate and sad. Although he does have great abs. 

James tells Des that loyalty is love. He will grow old and get fat, but he’ll be loyal. Okay, um, really? This is not how you sweep a girl off her feet. Or get her to give you a real phone number. Did they cull all the bachelors for this season from a reject pile at Match.com or something?

Larry is an ER doctor in Berkeley, and he wants to teach Des a dance move. It does not go well. She catches her shoe in her dress. It’s awkward. And then, he makes it worse by swearing as he walks away. Oh, Larry. It was actually a clever idea, but he needed to be able to laugh it off if anything went wrong, which it did. 

Nick R. shows up. He’s a magician, so he does a trick with a rose. He’s also a master clothier, so I think he really should have produced a rose AND a miniskirt or something, just because a miniskirt lasts longer. At least he has a relevant gimmick.

Zack K. wears Converse sneakers with his tux. This is the only interesting thing about him.

OMG. A knight in shining armor shows up, clanking along like a pile of tin tuna cans? Diogo takes off his helmet and says, “You look beautiful, like a princess!” Okay, I get it, nice IDEA. When you realize a suit of armor is heavy and hard to walk in, jettison the idea. Plus, if you are not extremely handsome (like Disney prince handsome), when you take off that helmet and it’s a disappointment? Moment over. Sorry, Diogo.  

Chris the mortgage broker walks out of the limo, approaches Des, and takes a knee. He’s going to PROPOSE? WHAT? Stop it! Stop the crazy! “Would you mind if I tie my shoe?” he asks Des. Okay, GO HOME NOW, Chris the mortgage broker! But no, he’s not done! He wanted to get off on the RIGHT FOOT. She says, “Funny,” but she doesn’t laugh.

Mike R. shows up in his lab coat. He wants to be her McDreamy AND her McSteamy. Mike R. is not a doctor, but a dental student. Grab Kasey, because this is #epicfail and could have been a scene from “The Hangover.” He’s been in the Air Force and was born and raised in London. He had other strengths to draw on for his intro. Instead, he tries to present himself as a surgeon when he’s an aspiring dentist. Ugh.  

Robert tells Des he wants to take off his tie. And… takes off his tie. I am guessing he’s waiting for Des to say, “Wow, you look so much better without it!” or “I am so glad you are a cool and casual guy!” but she just stares at him, because it’s SO WEIRD. Robert, by the way, claims to be the guy who created sign spinning, which is sort of like taking credit for creating bread or the Internet or blogging, but I can’t hate him entirely because he has a one-eyed dog. Dammit. 

Juan Pablo is a former pro soccer player and oozes sex appeal. He gives Des a little piece of chocolate from his native land of Sexyville. If she can scrape her jaw off the floor, she will give him a rose. 

Brandon from Costa Mesa shows up on a motorcycle. Brandon is a painting contractor and adrenaline junkie who seems determined to get himself killed. His dad left when he was five and his mom was great except when she was struggling with addiction. I think Brandon may be more trouble than he’s worth. 

Brian wears a jacket instead of a tux. That’s all we learn about Brian. 

Micah, on the other hand, wears a batcrap crazy jacket and ugly pants. He tells Des he wanted to design his own suit since she designed her own dress when she met Sean. The difference is that Des knows how to sew and he looks like twenty kinds of  homeless. 

I need to pause here, because the level of crazy is just so high I feel faint. What do these guys do to meet women in their real lives? Stalk co-workers and key their cars? 

Nick M. tells Des he wants to do something a little different. Oh, GOD NO! But he just reads a poem to her. Poor Nick doesn’t know that “a little different” this season means biting the head off a pidgeon or decapitating Chris Harrison. 

Dan from Vegas tells Des he thinks she looks amazing. No schtick. That’s it. Man, this straightforward approach seems absolutely BRILLIANT at this point. 

Next… a little boy climbs out of the limo. WHAT? This is exhausting. Why didn’t guys bring their dogs, or trained parrots, or their moms? Oh well, next season!

Anyway, Brody is the kid, Ben is the grown-up. Thankfully there is a grown-up, because I really don’t think I’m ready for tiny tot dating on “The Bachelorette.” Ben wanted Des to meet his best friend and son, but now he needs to get him back to Grandma. Okay, he’s cute, I’ll give Ben a pass. But I would like to know where the mother is. 

Chris Harrison informs Des that she can break the rules like Sean did and hand out roses like a crazy person if she wants to. I’m sure ABC wants her to, because the bachelors get crazier and crazier before the rose ceremony that way. Booze+tension+insecurity= really crazy party! Whoot!

Nick R. announces he’s a magician and that he’s going to show everyone an amazing illusion. He’s going to make Des disappear… with him! Like no one saw that coming.

Brandon grabs her next and hands Des his mom’s AA sobriety coin. She’s seven years sober, and he wants Des to take the coin, then give it back to his mom at hometown dates! Sigh. That’s a lot of work, Brandon. Des doesn’t even have pockets. 

Ben talks to Des about his son. Family is everything! But… he was never married. So how did Brody come about? “Two friends had a kid together.” What? This, to me, is a huge red flag, but Des is more excited to learn that he likes camping! She likes camping! And Ben gets a rose!

Now it’s game on, which to these guys means “act really nuts and spastic and sort of like high school boys who don’t know how to talk to a real girl.” Will dances. Brian tells her he got her a star, Des-orion. Zak, because he’s not naked enough, takes off his pants and dives into the pool. Hashtag streakage, says Kasey. And then, everyone leaves Zak to be cold and miserable alone. Good thing he didn’t take off his underwear. 

But, amazingly enough, Des gives Zak a rose for jumping in. I am floored. But hey, good for him. And his abs. 

Bryden talks to Des, and now I’m thinking top four or final two. for the win. He loved this kid in Iraq. He’s sweet and humble and Des practically trips all over herself to get him a rose. 

Des plays soccer with Juan Pablo and thinks he’s a dream of a man. Des manages to restrain herself from asking him to follow Zak’s lead and take off his shirt. 

Drew tells Des he has butterflies, so she gives him a rose. Larry is not so lucky. He keeps taking off his glasses and acting like he’s having a stroke. Des asks him if he’s sleepy. He doesn’t take the hint and keeps trying to give her his sexy/stroke look. Luckily, paramedics aren’t called. Poor Larry. 

Jonathan wants to steal Des to drag her off to “the fantasy suite,” possibly by her hair. She refuses to go to a fantasy suite and is clearly, clearly turned off by this idea. He tells her he’s nothing like Sean, because… he has no filter! Oh, man. He seems drunk. God, I hope he is drunk. Des actually tells him she needs to see other guys instead of waiting for someone to cut in, because she is that annoyed. 

Because the fantasy suite didn’t work the second time, Jonathan pulls her aside for the third time, STILL slurring about that damn suite. Kasey calls it a hashtag fantasy suite fail. And, amazingly, he’s right (although stop it with the hashtags, Kasey). Des isn’t waiting for the rose ceremony — she kicks Jonathan’s ass out. 

One down! I am so proud of Des. Jonathan probably was drunk, but either way, I suspect he may never live this down. 

Rose ceremony! 

First rose goes to… Brandon

Second rose goes to… Zack K. 

Third rose goes to… Will

Fourth rose goes to… Brooks

Fifth rose goes to…Juan Pablo

Sixth rose goes to… Brad

Seventh rose goes to… Kasey

Eighth rose goes to… James

Okay, this is getting boring. Anyway, Robert, Brian, Dan, Chris and Mikey get roses. 

That means Larry, Nick R. and Diogo do not get roses. And, of course, “Fantasy Suite” Jonathan. Can’t believe hashtag guy Kasey continues on, though. I guess it’s always a good idea to hang on to weirdoes to kick off later.  

Larry tells us he’s embarrassed. Well, k

Nick R. is sad. He’s not just a magician! He just cares a lot!

Diogo and his suit of armor are out. He is so lost. He doesn’t know what to do. He gave everything! He has an explosion of love to share! Yeesh. 

This season, there will be kissing and stuff. She is the luckiest girl alive! Yay! You know what else happens? Someone’s GIRLFRIEND comes to the show to cuss out her boyfriend. Oh, this will be so awesome. We can also see from the montage that Brandon, Brooks, Bryden, Brad and Brian go pretty far. 

Who are you rooting for? Who do you think will make the final two? And what the heck was going on with the guys this season? 

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