So, as we all know, Sheree is off “The Real Housewives of Altanta,” and with one battle-tastic housewife out of the mix you might expect a more peaceful, Zen-like season this year. But wait! When old crazy walks out the door, new crazy opens a window, and to that end we have Kenya. Kenya Moore is a new housewife (Porsha Stewart, who isn’t in this episode, will also be joining the cast), a former Miss USA, a movie producer and a card carrying lunatic, if the season premiere is anything to go by. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Our previous cast of crazies and put-upon eye-rollers is still in play, so let’s review what’s happened since last season’s catfighting hijinks.
NeNe, who was rolling in Rolexes and Louboutins via her Italian boyfriend/business partner/pimp/who knows what last season, seems to have gotten nostalgic for her ex-husband Gregg. It doesn’t hurt that Gregg is making an impassioned play to get her back, either. “We gave out, but we never gave up!” he announces to NeNe, who nods but I suspect she’s thinking what we’re thinking — gave out? What, Halloween candy? It sounds like he’s comparing them to old elastic waistbands and it’s really not sexy, but NeNe seems to be on board, so fine, whatever.
She might as well recycle an old husband anyway, since she’s far too busy to date these days. As we already know, she’s a regular on Ryan Murphy’s awful sitcom, “The New Normal,” and so we see her having escargot with Ryan at Bouchon in Los Angeles. They end up chatting about Tyler Perry, and NeNe suggests they call him. “Why haven’t you been in any of his movies?” Ryan asks.
“I don’t know,” NeNe says. “We’re just such close friends it would be…” And at that moment, the phone call forwards to a disconnection beep. Yes, they’re such close friends good ol’ Tyler didn’t give her his new number. Ryan and NeNe laugh and laugh as if this isn’t totally embarrassing and reveals NeNe to be a big ass liar. Ha ha ha ha! That Tyler, he’s just pranking me!
In other happy coupledom news, Kandi reveals who her boyfriend of almost a year is: Todd, whom she met in Africa and who works in television production. I get the impression this means he was working on “The Real Housewives of Atlanta,” and I have to wonder if he’s still working on the show now that they’re dating, because if so, Kandi may have discovered the secret method to ensure the editors and producers never make you look like a raving bitch on this show. Ironically, though, Kandi doesn’t seem to need that fix anyway. Todd and Kandi want to have a baby boy and name him Cash, and I’m wondering why Kim hasn’t named one of her kids Cash or Kash simply because she seems to love the green stuff a whole lot more than Kandi does.
Speaking of Kim, she’s pregnant again and about to get evicted because she’s squabbling with the landlord about buying the house. Oh, and Sweetie’s rehired. I could give a crap about Kim’s first world problems, which consist of getting ridiculous quotes from movies ($101,000 to move a house? Google some new names, stupid) and whining.
I wish Kim were a bit more like Phaedra, who is such a determined little businesswoman that I don’t even mind her decidedly creepy niche. Because she wants to become the Vera Wang of funerals, she’d like to expand into pet internment. So, to kick off her business, she goes to her local pet hospital, tells the vet how much she dislikes dogs, infers that she’s a little pathetic for having a dog instead of a kid, and tells her she wants her business. Phaedra doesn’t mean to be insulting, of course, and the vet doesn’t sick her little Jack Russell on her (Phaedra was bitten by a dog, thus, not a fan), so I guess it all goes well enough. I am so looking forward to watching Phaedra officiate a dog funeral to see how long it takes before she says something rude about dogs or rolls her eyes.
Cynthia and Peter are still together for some reason, and since they aren’t fighting (yet), Cynthia is focusing on her daughter Noelle. She’s been home schooled for a while and her father Leon wants her to go to public school. They fight, then Noelle shows up and says she’d like to go to public school and never wanted to be home schooled in the first place. I’m thinking this entire conversation didn’t need to happen at all, and certainly didn’t need to be documented on film, but when there’s no drama, hey, gotta make something happen, right?
So, not a whole lot going on with the ladies… until we meet KENYA. I think we can start calling her Krazee Kenya right now, because she only holds it together for about a minute before the nut ball behavior bubbles to the top. She’s a former Miss USA, a movie producer, a model and let’s just say a narcissistic scrapper with a distorted view of reality. “Don’t let the Louboutins fool you because I will beat a bitch down, ” she says, and that’s just in the interview room. She had lived in Los Angeles, but decided to move to Atlanta where she could be “surrounded by love,” which means her aunt, who raised her after her mother abandoned her. That’s about the first and last sweet, vulnerable moment we have with Krazee Kenya, who lets her freak flag fly while she’s theoretically helping out Cynthia when the Bailey Agency hosts an open call for Jet magazine’s Beauty of the Week.
For Cynthia, this is a chance to meet some young women who might want to sign up for modeling classes (hint, hint) and encourage some local talent. For Krazee Kenya, it’s a chance to insult the less attractive girls and shriek, “COOCHIE CRACK, COOCHIE CRACK!” at the top of her lungs. Krazee Kenya is so insulting, in fact, that Cynthia’s employees AND the representatives from Jet magazine implore her to take it down a notch, as I suspect one of these girls might go home and hang herself in her closet next to her ratty bikini. When Carlton tells Krazee Kenya to stop it, Krazee Kenya yells for security, which seems ridiculous and theatrical until SECURITY SHOWS UP. Krazee Kenya brings her OWN guard with her wherever she goes. Because someone somewhere might know who she is, I guess, or maybe because she needs witnesses to lie for her in court when she beats a random waiter with her shoe.
Cynthia is, of course, mortified, which Krazee Kenya interprets as intimidation. Don’t you just love these women who think that, when they aren’t showered with love and admiration, whoever they’re dealing with is just jealous of them? I guess we’ll have plenty of time to meet the other new housewife next week, but we hardly need her with Krazee Kenya in the mix. I expect this season to be all kinds of crazy (I mean Krazee) already.
What did you think of Krazee Kenya?