‘The Real Housewives of Atlanta’ recap: ‘No Excuse for Excuses’

12.03.12 5 years ago 12 Comments

So, this is the episode (and I’m not giving anything away here) which drives Kim to rip off her microphone, storm away from her castmates, and pull that ghetto move which involves grabbing the camera and cussing out the poor videographer holding it. Yes, it’s a classy episode of “RHoA,” complete with Kegal balls, breast obsession, fibroid tumors and Black Babygate. Yeah, no wonder Kim wanted off the show. With all this drama, her whining about having to downsize to a 7,000 square foot townhouse almost seems sane. 

We kick things off with Phaedra instigating a double date — she, Apollo, Kenya and Walter all head out for some playful go-cart racing. But we quickly discover that Kenya finds Apollo to be quite fine. In fact, she can’t seem to keep this little detail to herself. “You look like James Bond!” she squeals to Apollo. “You look like Tyson Beckford! Look at those muscles!” She does everything short of shoving Walter under the wheels of a moving go-cart before jumping onto Apollo’s back, slapping his ass, and demanding he let her ride him like a pony.

As Phaedra so tactfully points out, “Kenya likes to be the center of attention, but she might want to pump her brakes because she is breaking some cardinal rules.” I think Phaedra may be a little too polite, because whether Kenya is trying to make Walter jealous or just wants to see if she can get a cupful of sperm from anywhere, I would not put it past her to throw out a new friendship like moldy gym socks if it got in the way of her hormones. 

In any case, Kenya isn’t pumping the brakes, literally or figuratively. She don’t need no stinkin’ seatbelt! She don’t need no brakes! She’s a daredevil! Whoo! Head injury, shmed injury! When old Leadfoot runs out of gas, though, she pouts. She wants to WIN, dammit, even though it’s friggin’ go-carting and damn, can’t she just behave herself for a red hot minute? I like Kenya in the sense that she’s hell on wheels and she pushes everyone’s buttons, but I’m thoroughly relieved I don’t know her at all. 

Back in Boringville, Cynthia and Peter are having NeNe and Gregg over for a proper double date, which basically involves standing around and drinking wine (though thankfully not the $200 bottle of crap Gregg has to pour down the sink, which makes me suspect he doesn’t know wine, doesn’t know how to store wine, or is just too stupid to know when he’s spent way too much on a bottle. I call all of the above!). Cynthia is just so pleased to see Gregg and NeNe together. Peter suggests to Cynthia that they get divorced so they can be as happy as these two. He’s joking, I think. When Cynthia leaves the room, Peter tells NeNe he has a plan — since Cynthia is planning a couple’s trip to Anguilla for all the housewives, he thought it might be nice to surprise her by renewing their vows on the beach. NeNe agrees that this is a very sexy idea, except for the fact that Cynthia hates surprises. I would think Peter, being married to the woman, would know this. It’s not like a dislike of lychee nuts or a fear of rare South American salamanders. Something like “I don’t like surprises” has likely come up in the past four years, which suggests Peter doesn’t pay a lick of attention to anything that doesn’t serve his purposes. This is a sexy idea, dammit, so he’s going to wow her whether she likes it or not! Hey, women cry during weddings anyway, right?

In other news, Porsha is still on the show. I’m so sorry about that, really. Anyway, she had a miscarriage, and I guess it was due to fibroids, and she wants two sets of twins, so she expects her doctor to do something about that. “What can I do to higher my chances to have twins?” she asks the doctor, who doesn’t laugh. That’s a direct quote, by the way. Higher her chances. I’ve heard people who speak English as a third or fourth language who have a better handle on it than Porsha. 

Porsha, after fighting with her husband Kordell about who has stronger genes (I’m hoping her plumb stupid gene is recessive), declares she’s going to eat lots and lots of yams. Apparently, they increase the odds of a marginally mentally deficient woman having twins. I really wish Porsha wouldn’t reproduce, because the world doesn’t need more people who, after dressing themselves without injury, believe they’ve had a full and rewarding day. 

Even NeNe thinks Porsha is laughably stupid. When she and Cynthia meet Porsha and she convinces them to do PSAs for her charity, NeNe can barely hold it together when Porsha declares that poverty is a continual problem — 265 days a year. “Two-hundred and sixty-five days?” NeNe cackles. “Where the hell that bitch live at?” Despite Porsha’s crushing stupidity, NeNe declares that she likes her, as she’s an excellent judge of character and she loves a dimwit she can manipulate (I think that last part was inferred). As for Cynthia, she likes Porsha because Porsha also hates Kenya, and an enemy of her enemy is her friend. 

The problem for Cynthia is that a friend of hers and another friend of hers are enemies, and she’s not really sure what the math is on that. When she meets Cynthia for a light lunch to discuss the couples’ trip to Anguilla, Kandi admits she may not be able to get her boyfriend Todd to come because he’s not a masochist who wants to deal with a bunch of lunatic women just for a free trip (again, that was inferred) and, you know, she thinks NeNe is fake. Cynthia swallows as if she has a goldfish stuck between her vocal chords and tries to express that NeNe can’t understand what Kandi has against her! She’s so nice! Why is Kandi such a meanie? 

What Kandi doesn’t suggest at the time, but does bring up to Phaedra while they’re out shopping and loudly discussing penis rings and Kegel balls (yeah, it was that kind of show — I honestly think they were trying to make the poor little sales clerk cry) is that she’d love it if Kenya came along. Phaedra, not surprisingly, seems to have cooled on this idea. But Kandi isn’t giving up on Kenya so easily, as I’m sure Kandi is hoping Kenya will bring the crazy, Cynthia will get the brunt of it, and she’ll be able to have a nice little vacation. “She’s the life of the party!” Kandi says not-so-innocently. Then, she promises Phaedra she’ll bring her a penis ring. Such delicate little flowers, these two.

Finally, it’s time for all the girls to come together to discuss Anguilla. Luckily, Phaedra and Cynthia show up first so that Phaedra can present flowers and an apology. Cynthia is sooo glad. It’s not as if she hasn’t said little crappy things about Phaedra herself — she just hasn’t been caught in the act. But, as she points out, she forgives but never forgets. Cynthia waggles her eyebrows like a 1960s TV spy, and not a good one. Shut up, Cynthia. She didn’t actually cuss YOU out. She just cussed in your general direction. Phaedra’s relieved this hasn’t become Black Babygate. Actually, I was thinking this had become Black Babygate, and Cynthia needs to adjust her medication.

But wait! There’s plenty of drama without Cynthia pouting about Phaedra using a naughty word. Kandi arrives at lunch and mentions she invited Kenya to pop in. Cynthia glowers, which is basically the reverse of her bad spy eyebrow waggle. It doesn’t involve moving her face very much, so it’s all in the eyebrows. Phaedra tries to ease the tension by talking about her small breasts. I really wish she would stop that, as I hadn’t noticed them at all until she kept calling attention to them. I guess we should all be happy Phaedra doesn’t have varicose veins or an oversized mole or hairy toes, because she’d be waggling that at a camera every five minutes. 

Kim arrives, which irritates NeNe because, well, she’s Kim and she’s pregnant and she’s just pregnant to show off, damn her. Then, Kenya invites herself to Anguilla, and Cynthia glowers some more. She isn’t going to stop Kenya at customer, but she sure as hell isn’t inviting her on the trip. No, that’s up to the producers of the show, who probably already gave her a ticket weeks ago. Seriously, does anyone really think these trips aren’t for the whole cast? 

The big question, of course, is whether or not Kim will actually come to Anguilla. She does have this nasty habit of flaking out at the last minute on just about any plan anyone suggests, and everyone has bent over backwards to work with Kim’s time frame for this trip. So, what’s the answer? Kim would love to go… she just has to check with her doctor. Her due date has been moved up twice. And, well, she’s so sorry, she’s eight months pregnant and she really can’t go. Except she’s going away with Troy during the EXACT same time the girls are going to Anguila. What? I think Kim needs a calendar or a watch or a just needs to become a better damn liar. 

Kandi, who is really my favorite housewife for no other reason than she seems mostly sane, points out that this sucks. Everyone canceled plans, turned down offers and generally bent over backwards to work with Kim’s stupid schedule. But, Kim points out, they’re leaving the country! She had no idea! Seriously? Because what, last year they moved Africa next to Florida? Phaedra asks Kim if she’s still committed to this wonderful friendship, and Kim admits she’s not. “I have a lot going on!” she says, as if no one else at the table has had children, worked or gotten their ass off the sofa. When NeNe rips into Kim, and not unfairly, Kim’s had it. She tears off her microphone, stalks out of the restaurant, and acts like a surly child star leaving rehab. I think Kim was looking for a reason to avoid the lunch, or perhaps plug her solo spin-off show (isn’t that convenient?), but the end result is that  Kim will not be going to Anguilla, Kenya will be and Phaedra better keep Apollo locked in their hotel room. It might be a fun Caribbean vacation, but I’m not ruling out a big mess, either. 

Do you think Kim just didn’t want to go? Do you think Kenya is making a play for Phaedra’s husband? And do you think Peter’s romantic plans will backfire?

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