Just so you know, Yolanda Foster throws fabulous dinner parties. Yes, her husband tells some guests they’re not talented enough to engage in the after-dinner sing-along, but that’s mostly because it’s all about him telling stories of his youth and all the famous people he’s worked with. But really, they should shut up simply because they’re in the presence of greatness. If he wants to tell stories about Boz Scaggs, they’d better listen! Even if they don’t know who Boz Scaggs is! But I’m getting ahead of myself. A few other things happen, thank God, because just watching the Foster’s fabulous dinner party makes me want to throw something at the screen after a few minutes. Maybe I would feel more patient if I’d been given a tempura avocado roll. Just a thought.
Anyway, we start things off with our resident lunatic, Kim. Kim is sober now, but sobriety has revealed that Kim is a walking wound, always one bad moment away from sobbing hysterically and tearing at her clothes. Given that her youngest, Kimberly, is about to go to prom, Kim is more than a little emotional. And weird. She gives Kimberly a string of beads. “It’s from Amma, the hugging saint!” she trills as she flits about the room, making chicken salad in an enormous bowl. Just for the record, I looked it up and the hugging saint is some Indian woman who comes to Southern California every year or so. She’s more of a guru than a saint, if you want to be picky about it. In case you were wondering if they skipped over something huggy in your more traditional religious education.
Kimberly tries not to pay too much attention to her crazypants mother, but she’s hard to ignore, what with the enormous vat of chicken salad, which she wants to discuss at length. “Apples! It has apples! I haven’t added nuts yet!” Yeah, I think the house is full up of nuts, Kim.
Finally, twenty-year-old Nick comes to pick up Kimberly for prom or possibly a covert rescue operation. Kim is heartbroken. “Don’t leave! Drink lemonade! Please stay and soak up my crazy! Call me! I’ll be calling you! And watching you drive away through the blinds! Don’t have sex! I LOVE YOU, KIMBERLY! Did you notice your name is my name? Nick is a nice boy but I will CUT HIM!” Oddly enough, Kimberly makes a pretty speedy exit.
In other spawn news, Kyle’s daughter Alexia is studying for her driver’s test. Alexia finds the test, like, totally confusing. What are double yellow lines? Those look, like, totally horrible on a dress if they’re horizontal, like, you know. I do not want Alexia to pass her test and get onto the road, because I’m fairly sure she’ll kill us all. I’m already a little unnerved that Kyle is on the road, given that she jumped out of a moving car — her sister’s Ferrari, no less — because a bee flew inside of it. I don’t care that she’s allergic; that’s a special kind of stupid that should make revoking her license for eternity entirely acceptable. Still, Kyle screams theatrically as her daughter tries to parallel park for 45 minutes.
Kyle also invites over Lisa, because she can’t stop harping about how she wants Lisa and Adrienne to bury the hatchet. Lisa isn’t interested. But they’ll have to see each other! In public! And it will be awkward! Lisa is not someone who feels awkward, ever. If anyone’s going to cave here, I think it will have to be Adrienne.
And guess where Adrienne and Lisa are going to see one another? Yolanda’s fabulous party! Yolanda invites over her butler/caterer/suck-up slave to discuss what to serve at her fabulous dinner party. How about coconut shrimp, tempura avocado rolls, a goat cheese thing and a horrible duck torture foie gras? Well, maybe portabello mushrooms instead of the duck torture foie gras. That’s so 2011.
Whatever she serves, though, this will be a fabulous evening. And why is that? Yolanda, of course! “What makes me a great hostess is I love people, and you can feel that!” Unless they’re Brandi, and then she spreads rumors about them. With love. Yolanda is inviting Lisa’s friends, and she hopes their hearts are filled with love. And gossip. Won’t this be fun?
Yolanda declares that she should have been Martha Stewart’s daughter. She loves to go to the flower market at 5 a.m. to buy flowers from Holland! Aww, isn’t that sweet? This is what rich women who don’t have jobs do when they can’t sleep! When she gives a dinner party, everything has to be perfect. The butler lavishes Yolanda with praise. “You’re a very beautiful young lady! You have excellent taste! Please don’t fire me!”
Kim catches a ride to the party with Adrienne and Paul. And guess what they talk about? Lisa! Paul thinks Lisa owes Adrienne an apology. Lisa insulted Adrienne’s hoof shoes! And she called their little dog Crackpot instead of Jackpot! I thought that was pretty clever, actually. And by the way? It’s a DOG. His little feelings were not hurt. He’s not going to doggy therapy now because of it.
Oh, and Lisa also threatened to throw unwanted belongings onto their property! I’m thinking that right now Paul probably wishes he could take all of it back and give Lisa hand grenades to lob in his soon-to-be-ex-wife’s direction, but oh well. Anyway, he has so many things going on in his life, he doesn’t care one whit about Lisa. Except for all the energy he seems to be expending just to hate her.
So, everyone’s off to Yolanda’s fabulous dinner party! She loves punches. Go to her house, and you see a punch of ocean, and a punch of infinity pool, and just a lot of punching. I think Yolanda needs some new vocabulary words.
As everyone walks into the party, they notice the butler. He’s also Camille’s butler. Taylor is FREAKING OUT. He’s stalking them! Or he just works for a lot of rich people. So, you know, not Taylor.
Yolanda has a clear refrigerator she designed herself. This has nothing to do with anything, except to make it abundantly clear that you are not as rich as the Fosters.
Adrienne and Paul arrive, and Lisa pointedly wanders off. “Be nice, please,” Kyle begs Paul, who is busily cursing under his breath. When Kyle is begging you to behave yourself, you know you’ve hit a personal low point.
Chris Botti, the most famous trumpet player in the world, will be joining the party as a spare single man and someone skilled enough to play with David Foster. Remember this, as it will be significant later. Also, look at his face. See which parts move. That will also be significant later. It’s only in retrospect that it occurred to me that Chris Botti looks a little bit like a pickled Ken doll.
David Foster wanders around the party. He used to be married to Linda Thompson, one of Taylor’s best friends, so she is deeply offended when he can’t remember her name. Taylor can’t believe it! Hey, I can’t believe Taylor is “best friends” with Linda Thompson. They probably met at a fundraiser once.
David thinks his wife is an amazing hostess. Yawn. More interesting? Chris Botti tells everyone he’s mostly made of Botox. This is what almost 50 looks like! Plastic!
Everyone’s having a grand time, especially Taylor, who is especially wasted. Taylor has to tell Chris Botti that her nemesis Brandi slept with everyone in Beverly Hills. Yolanda thinks there’s nothing uglier than a drunk woman, and I would add to that nothing uglier than a drunk woman with bad plastic surgery.
Since this is true confessions time, David Foster regales everyone with how he and Yolanda got together. She’s the ex-wife of his ex-friend Mohammed! You know, Lisa’s Mohammed. It turns out that it’s sort of a wacky Middle Eastern thing to agree to introduce someone to your ex, but expect you to behave yourself and not hook up with them. David Foster thinks that’s so quaint! Everyone thinks this is a fabulous story!
After dinner, it’s time for everyone to prostrate themselves before the Great God David Foster. He loves to tell stories! Hey, everyone, look who else he has at this party! Michael Johns from “American Idol”! And Nita Whitaker LaFontaine just happens to drop in to sing fabulously! And hey, everyone listen to David Foster sing his favorite song that he wrote, “Look What You’ve Done to Me”! Bask in the glory that is David Foster!
Because everyone has eaten their dessert, they are allowed to drag their chairs around the Grammy-covered piano. And listen to David Foster talk about himself! There will be singing, but only by people he deems worthy of singing in his presence. After chastising Kyle for badly warbling a bit of “Amazing Grace,” he informs all the tacky, talentless housewives to shut their damn traps and sit obediently, like his wife. Don’t they know how to be decent trophy wives? Geez!
Taylor is offended that David Foster would dare tell her not to sing. Isn’t this supposed to be fun? Well, only if you’ve signed up for the opportunity to soak up the genius of David Foster, Taylor.
The talented people in the room zip through the Public Domain Songbook, because Bravo is cheap. Yolanda is horrified when her fellow housewives do not sit quietly in rapt attention as David Foster and his friends perform. Don’t they know they are being graced with his fabulousness? In all fairness, these are professional musicians, so maybe it would be a good idea for them to shut up and listen instead of acting like they’re at a sketchy piano bar in outer Hoboken.
Still, when Chris Botti busts out a mournful “Danny Boy,” I can’t blame Taylor for letting her mouth slide into a rictus that looks vaguely stroke-like, if ducks had strokes. Yolanda is horrified that Paul would intercede on Taylor’s behalf and ask that the Irish funeral music be cut. Did Yolanda miss the part where Taylor’s husband hung himself in a closet fairly recently? I think funeral music may be a bit of a kick in the face. And God knows, Taylor paid good money to look that way already.
Once Yolanda deems that her new “friends” unworthy of her husband’s greatness, she claps her hands and shoos them out the door. I’m sure we’ll hear more about this little party later, but I think the important take-away is that Yolanda signed up for this show without watching it first.
But wait! There’s more! In the next scene, we see Lisa getting ready to go out. Adrienne has called and asked to meet with her for a drink, and Lisa is actually going. Ken thinks this is foolish, but Lisa knows she can’t avoid Adrienne forever, and she wants her apology anyway. All we see is Lisa sitting down opposite Adrienne. The actual catfight — well, for that, we have to wait until next week.
What did you think of Yolanda’s party? Do you think Lisa and Adrienne will make up? What did you think of Taylor’s behavior at the party?