The “Real Housewives of New York City” sans Ramona and Aviva are still frolicking in London this week. But as we know, you can take the girl out of Noo Yawk but it’s considerably harder to take the Noo Yawk out of the girl, so the first thing we see is Sonja sticking her face in a bidet. Admittedly, it’s filled with ice and Sonja swears this is the easiest way to reduce the swelling in her face as the sink is too shallow, but all I can think is that next week we will be seeing Sonja tooling around New York with enormous, blistering sores all over her head.
Sonja isn’t the only Housewife with issues, though. LuAnn merrily busts into Carole’s room to make sure she’s getting ready for their group croquet lesson. Carole is annoyed. Carole is generally annoyed by almost anything LuAnn does lately, as LuAnn seems desperate to bond with Carole by pointing out she’s done every single thing Carole has done in her life. And possibly better! Or more! Or something! Carole is also annoyed when LuAnn shows off her new cape. Carole, of course, wore a cape on the flight to London, which LuAnn greatly admired before ripping it off. I wonder if Carole will say something along the lines of “I just swallowed a lethal dose of cyanide” just to see of LuAnn will grab the bottle out of her fist to prove she can swallow a more-than-lethal dose, but I suspect we’d hear about that first on TMZ, not Bravo.
Carole does manage to work out some aggression by cleaning LuAnn’s clock in croquet. This doesn’t seem like much of a victory, as LuAnn seems perfectly happy, as Carole’s win gives her an excuse to suggest a toast. I also think she’d be happy to drink to anything, including raging hormone swings, jet lag or even Ramona at this stage of the trip. Bring on the booze!
Back in New York, Aviva and Ramona go to the Empire Room in the Empire State Building to see if it’s a good location for Aviva and Reid’s fifth anniversary party. Ramona wants to make sure she doesn’t have to sit near Heather. Yes, Ramona is a loyal, helpful friend with an agenda of hate. Sonja is technically planning the event, even though she’s doing it all from London. Sonja is stressed. She has so much to do, plus she’s designing a toaster oven! Heather tells Sonja to focus and stop being weird.
Speaking of being weird, Carole has spent four years rewriting her novel. It’s so hard! It’s harder than giving birth to a baby! LuAnn helpfully points out she’s both had a baby AND written a book, and the baby thing is much more painful. Wow, way to go sticking a finger into what is clearly a sore spot for Carole, LuAnn! Carole seems to be fully and completely done with LuAnn at this point, and when LuAnn leaves the table, she and Sonja begin carping. Heather, as a fellow tall, pushy broad, tries to manage the storm. Tall women are bossy! LuAnn’s coming from a good place!
Carole takes a deep breath and tries again. Except LuAnn wants to say “I did that, too” every time Carole opens her mouth. Carole decides to talk over LuAnn in a one-upmanship contest which LuAnn doesn’t seem the least bit fazed by. Having realized that Heather is the least likely to slap LuAnn at this point, Carole and Sonja leave the table so Heather can try to talk some sense into Countess Crazypants. And guess what? Even though Heather is trying to broach the subject in such a sidelong way she’s practically lilting, LuAnn is particularly oblivious. Heather gets a little more blunt, suggesting everyone needs to chill out (hint, hint, and you, too). LuAnn says things are different without Ramona there. Uh-huh. Heather eventually gives up and decides to drink more, I’m guessing.
The ladies return to New York, and Aviva and Carole get their hair done together. Carole reveals that Reid had called her to ask for help with his little speech at the five year anniversary party, which just reminds Carole that her husband Anthony died just before their five year anniversary. Aviva probably wishes she hadn’t given Reid Carole’s number right about then, but Carole doesn’t mind. She feels she can be open and honest with Aviva, as she’s an intelligent, thoughtful woman. LuAnn, however, kind of isn’t. She thinks it’s particularly tacky that LuAnn kept flogging her countess status, especially when her husband never talked to anyone about being a prince (and, of course, she never talks about being a princess). She likes LuAnn, but she doesn’t get LuAnn. Actually, I think Carole hates LuAnn but just doesn’t want to say it. Carole decides she can speak semi-honestly about LuAnn, because the beauty salon is a sacred place. Oh, Carole. This is “Real Housewives.” No place is sacred if there’s a camera around.
So, Aviva and Reid arrive at the anniversary party and Aviva is thrilled with Sonja’s hard work. Heather, however, is not impressed. There’s no food. There are no plates or forks for the cake. There’s lots of booze, though, so you know it’s a party by Bravo! Ramona shows up and decides to ignore Heather, as expected. Heather, of course, does not like to be ignored. But before she can face off with Ramona, Aviva has to fall down the steps on her one good leg and Sonja is left to cue the singer, Cara Quici, to sing for the happy couple.
Cara Quici apparently thinks she’s just like Madonna, in that she has no voice to speak of and needs Autotune. Sonja promises that Cara has written a wonderful anniversary song that sounds like sick cats have been tossed inside a washing machine. The song also involves writhing in Aviva and Reids’ laps. “Just when you think it can’t get any worse, it gets worse,” says Carole in wonderment. Heather declares it awkward, and even Aviva admits she “put on a really polite smile, but the band was a bit of a train wreck.” And WWII was a bit of a kerfuffle. Anyway, Cara Quici is mercilessly silenced after writhing around on two back-up dancers, and it’s time for speeches. Reid tosses out his Carole-altered script and speaks from the heart. It’s sweet and short and sincere. Aviva, however, whips out some hideous rhyming verse in which she calls Reid gorgeous-er and talks about mating with him. Reid wins.
Aviva also makes a point of thanking Carole for helping Reid with his speech, so she manages to not only give him a terrible anniversary salute but emasculate him at the same time. Good one! But she also gives Reid a wedding band, which he does not toss in her face, so it’s a nice moment.
And because any nice moment on a “Real Housewives” show must be immediately followed by a catfight, Heather decides to approach Ramona. Why the face? Well, Ramona doesn’t want to get into it, but she’s going to say just enough to hurt Heather’s feelings before she stomps off in the other direction. Heather lied to her! And she’s fake! Heather thinks she’s been pretty honest, really, in saying she doesn’t like Ramona. Ramona doesn’t want to talk about this now! Or ever! She stomps away, so what does Heather do? She knows it bugs Ramona, so she follows her around, suggesting they talk. Ramona bugs out her eyes and flits around the room like a psychotic moth, refusing to alight anywhere near Heather, who smiles and stomps after Ramona like a happy zombie.
Ramona is so unnerved she actually runs up to LuAnn and thanks her for picking fights with her that she understands. And that aren’t fake. LuAnn takes the hug, but promptly tells Heather she’s on her team. I think Aviva’s really the only real supporter Ramona has in her corner, but I suspect the day is soon coming when she decides to whip off her leg and beat Ramona with it.
Next week, Aviva announces that she and Ramona are running off to Miami Beach. Carole will be there at the same time! How convenient! And Aviva is dragging Sonja along, because she wants to set her up on a blind date. With a sex addict. Who happens to be her dad. I think Sonja should bow out while she can, but that would be far too logical for an episode of “The Real Housewives of New York City.”
Do you think Ramona’s in the wrong, or Heather? What did you think of Aviva’s party? And what do you think of Sonja’s blind date plan?