You ever wake suddenly in the middle of the night, heart racing and hair matted with cold sweat, ready to pack your bags and leave home forever, until you realize: it was all just a dream? Yes, it was just a dream that Tyler Perry controls the entire universe. Only a nightmare that every single new movie release boasts his name before the title. So you wipe the sweat from your brow, pop a Xanax, and try to fall back to sleep — hoping that this time, you get the dream where you”re one of Khaleesi”s dragons who happens to be best friends with one of the Starks” direwolves.
Oh, so you haven”t had that Tyler Perry nightmare before? And you aren”t prepared for a zombie apocalypse where every single zombie is played by the same guy in a different costume? To help you along (you”re welcome!), here”s a look at what some of the most beloved movies of all time would have been like if Tyler Perry had presented them.
“Tyler Perry”s Citizen Kane”
This film examines the life of Charles Foster Kane, an elderly billionaire played by Tyler Perry. The character is based in part on American cinema magnate, Tyler Perry. For years, Charles Foster Kane has been living as a recluse in his vast palatial estate, Xanadon”t, which is called that because it’s a slightly less horrible name than Xanadudu. Kane is unable to get close to anyone, and then he dies, uttering one final word so elusive it sets off a flurry of national intrigue around Kane”s secret past. The word? “Rosebud.” Flashing back, we learn of a sad event in Kane”s childhood where he was forced to leave the arms of his mother, Madea, in order to study with his new guardian, Madea. We learn of Kane”s rise to prosperity. And we learn of his marriage to a woman named Madea and his affair with a woman named Madea. Eventually, in the final moments of the film, we discover that “Rosebud” refers to a spirited Latina woman played by Sofia Vergara in a brief but memorable* role.
“Tyler Perry”s Schindler”s List”
Set in Krakow in the early days of WWII, it seems the Jewish workers of a large factory are in great danger of mass extermination. That is, until a wacky businesswoman named Madea shows up! One by one, Madea begins to purchase the workers and make them a part of her dysfunctional family, bringing them to live in a rundown tent city in the outskirts of Poland where she makes extra money by hooking. High points include a scene where Madea nearly sentences several of her new family members to death because she has trouble pronouncing their Jewish surnames (not a lot of Rabinowitzes in Louisiana), and another where she gives Heinrich Himmler a real good talking to.
“Tyler Perry”s You”ve Got Mail”
Kathleen Kelly and Joe Fox are bookstore rivals: one is the owner of the homey Shop Around the Corner and the other the mogul behind the megastore Foxbooks, which threatens to put Kathleen”s joint out of business. While enemies in real life, Kathleen and Joe become close online after they meet in a chat room while both using pseudonyms. Even though they”re in relationships with other people, Kathleen and Joe continue to become more involved and eventually discover each other’s true identities. They decide to become romantic, and as a result of the relationship, Kathleen contracts HIV and dies.
“Tyler Perry”s Psycho”
When Marion embezzles a large sum of money from her boss, she realizes she must leave town immediately. After driving all day, she decides to spend the night at the spooky Bates Motel, which is run by a strange man named Norman Bates (played by Tyler Perry). Norman lives in a house across the street from the motel with his elderly mother, Madea. Norman invites Marion over for dinner — which is, for some reason, to be sandwiches — but his jealous mother won”t allow it. Soon after, Marion is murdered in the shower and we learn that Norman suffers from multiple personalities. He is capable of becoming not only himself and his mother, but also a wacky toothless uncle, a lounge singer, and a one-year-old dachshund/Bassett Hound mix who is not yet potty-trained.