Okay, I'm finally at that point where I can't absorb any new knowledge about “Star Wars: The Force Awakens.” Now that the final marketing push for the film has kicked in, it's non-stop. We are awash in spoilers and new images and all I want is to see the finished movie.
One of the most egregious offenders in spoiler history was the soundtrack listing for “Star Wars Episode I – The Phantom Menace,” which gave away the death of a main character. I was reluctant to look at the track listings for “The Force Awakens” but since it's my job, I decided to go whole hog and attempt to tell you exactly how the entire film will unfold based only on what I've learned so far and what the tracks are called. I am confident this is a 100% accurate representation of the final film.
“1. Main Title and the Attack On The Jakku Village”
I am going to go out on a limb here and suggest that we may see some sort of opening crawl, made up of words and letters, and then a spaceship of some sort.
And then there's evidently an attack. Most likely, this will take place in a Jakku village.
“2. The Scavenger”
The most recent theatrical trailer for the film opens with Rey exploring the ruins of a spaceship. It does not take a genius to guess this is going to be that sequence.
“3. I Can Fly Anything”
Poe Dameron (Oscar Isaac) is a pilot, and one of the main characters of the film. I'll bet he shows up right about here in the movie, and that he says, “I can fly anything.” I'll bet he even says it to another main character!
“4. Rey Meets BB-8”
No idea. I've been trying to puzzle this one out all day.
“5. Follow Me”
Typically, when someone wants someone else to follow them, they say “Follow me,” so maybe there's a character here who wants another character to follow them.
Also, this could be a total misdirect. You know Abrams and his damn Mystery Box.
“6. Rey's Theme”
Finally, we get to meet Finn the Stormtrooper!
“7. The Falcon”
Finn and Rey finally come face to face on a bird planet ruled by a ruthless alien gangster called The Falcon, and they are forced to fight for their lives and escape in some old ship they find.
“8. That Girl with the Staff”
In a shocking twist, Rooney Mara shows up as alien bounty hunter Lisbeth Salamander, the only character created for the new film by George Lucas. She speaks in pig Latin and screams all her dialogue, a choice that many people working on the film are calling “totally goddamn insane.”
“9. The Rathars!”
The Rathars are an older couple (played by a digitally-generated Hume Cronyn and Jessica Tandy) who live next door to Rey and who spend an awkward half-hour telling Finn and Poe embarrassing stories about Rey's days in elementary school.
“10. Finn's Confession”
As the mission continues, Finn tells Rey a shocking truth about himself. Or he tells it to Poe. Or he tells it to Chewie because he knows Chewie isn't going to tell anyone. Wookiees hate snitches. But he definitely tells it to someone.
“11. Maz's Counsel”
Morrissey (Lupita Nyong'o) explains an ancient prophecy about Rey and Finn, and it's staged as an actual musical number complete with a special appearance by original Smiths guitarist Johnny Marr.
“12. The Starkiller”
Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) shows up and explains that his name was originally Starkiller until George Lucas wrote a second draft, at which point, things become very confusing and the characters wander off the screen, out of the theater, and realize that they are simply part of a movie being shown at the El Capitan Theater. Unable to deal with this existential nightmare, they all agree to just climb back into the film and never speak of this again.
“13. Kylo Ren Arrives at the Battle”
Yeah, here's another one I'm just not getting. I recognize those words, but in that order, it's just too tough a code to crack. Well-played, JJ.
“14. The Abduction”
Marty McFly (Domnhall Gleeson) travels back in time to kidnap Baby Luke and Baby Leia, sending Doc Brown (Frank Oz) into a tizzy.
“15. Han and Leia”
All kidding aside, OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HAN AND LEIA ONSCREEN TOGETHER AGAIN OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD
“16. March of the Resistance”
Oddly, it's exactly what it sounds like. 25 solid minutes of marching up and down the square, and then it takes a left-turn into a recreation of the big final exam from “Stripes.” I think by this point in the production, the pressure may have been getting to Abrams a little bit.
“17. Snoke”
On the water… fire in the sky.
“18. On The Inside”
Miniaturized, the entire Resistance stages an attack on Grand Poobah Snoke (Andy Serkis), pod-racing from his nose-grid to his butt-hive. Now this is pod-racing!
“19. Torn Apart”
Unfortunately, they do not stay miniaturized quite long enough. This sequence earned the film its NC-17 rating.
“20. The Ways of The Force”
Luke Skywalker screams at the three main characters for a half-hour, R. Lee Ermy style, because they just exploded the bad guy, something he feels is somewhat less than Jedi-like.
“21. Scherzo for X-Wings”
A 'scherzo' is a musical form, originally created by the Gungans that…
… oh, you didn't think you were getting out of here without Gungans, did you?
“22. Farewell and the Trip”
Now that the First Order is on the run, Finn and Rey prepare to begin their Jedi training. Step number one? Mushrooms grown in Yoda's ashes on Dagobah, sending both of them on elaborate hallucinatory journeys full of cheap Freudian symbolism and a couple of truly grody decapitations.
“23. The Jedi Steps and Finale”
As the new day dawns, exhausted from their long hallucinations, Finn and Rey join Luke Skywalker on the steps of the New Jedi Temple for an exacting reproduction of the dance moves from “Thriller.”
If the final film is different from this in any way, I will be shocked and outraged and declare the entire thing a disaster. As you can see, there are some big surprises in store for audiences, including what appears to be a three hour running time and a lot more musical numbers than your average “Star Wars” films, which means it still has fewer than “Return Of The Jedi.”
I may also have a wee touch of “Star Wars” fatigue at this point and think it's silly to pore over soundtrack listings for spoilers of a film you'll see in two weeks. Either or. You be the judge.
“Star Wars: The Force Awakens” takes over the world December 18th.
And if you want the soundtrack for your very own, why not pick it up from the Film Nerd 2.0 Amazon store?