Hey, want to feel old? Julia Roberts was only 23 when “Pretty Woman” came out. Want to feel dead? Miley Cyrus still isn’t legally able to drink. Want to possibly feel mildly entertained for the next few minutes? Bear with me.
Currently, there is no plan to remake “Pretty Woman” with Miley Cyrus; there is only a photo Miley tweeted of herself wearing an outfit inspired by the infamous cut-out dress paraded about by Miss Vivian Ward in her hooking days. There’s one big difference between the two looks — Julia’s vagina is barely covered by a swath of loud cloud-print fabric, while Miley’s parts are hidden behind tasteful black — but other than that? Miley’s caption, “Pretty woman…. Twerkin down the street” totally holds water.
And I say: why not remake “Pretty Woman”? It’s been almost 25 years since the flick came out, and some of those sex scenes are dated. I mean, the prostitutes on “Game of Thrones” kiss their johns all the time, and everyone knows modern piano sex takes place on top of a MacBook Pro.
And if we’re going to remake the movie, which it looks like you and I totally are, why not cast Miley as the hooker with a heart of gold? Hear me out. Yes, Miley has an unfathomable amount of money and was basically raised by Mickey Mouse, but she also has a likable and slight outsider quality due to her down-home country gal roots. She’s the perfect mix of sweet-girl-next-door and manufactured pop star who must use her body to sell stuff. Plus, she’s got that Julia Roberts big, toothy smile thing going on.
So, what might we expect from this hypothetical but clearly inspired remake of “Pretty Woman” starring Miley Cyrus? Here are 5 things:
1. Way more twerking. Twerking on the streets. Twerking in the hotel. Twerking at a polo match. Twerking!
2. Kit De Luca, Vivian’s best friend in hookery, should obviously be played by Miley’s real-life best bud Kelly Osbourne. Can you imagine the creative ponytail work?
3. A cover of Roy Orbison’s “Oh, Pretty Woman” by Miley herself. Pharrell can contribute the “yeah yeah yeahs.”
4. All the Hemsworth brothers can participate in the polo match.
5. And finally, who should play the much-beloved Richard Gere role? There are many possible choices, but I hear Billy Ray Cyrus is pretty available these days.
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