When Will Star Wars Confirm These 8 Obvious Casting Choices?

04.07.14 3 years ago

Whoever is running the publicity machine at Disney/Lucasfilm for the new 'Star Wars' movies must be really enjoying themselves. So far the only confirmed cast members for the new trilogy are R2-D2 and Chewbacca. This is the equivalent of the new 'Jem and the Holograms' movie announcing that Synergy would be in the the film…which come to think of they haven't and that's really disconcerting. What is going on over there? Getting off topic. 

Anyway, if the publicists want to throw chum into the water to watch as we fans work ourselves into a frenzy over every tiny morsel, so be it. Here are a few more casting confirmation announcements just ripe for an email blast.

#1 – Confirmed: Franklin Gothic typeface.

Photo Credit: Lucasfilm/Disney

After a strenuous round of back-and-forth in which Disney threatened to replace Franklin Gothic with Garamond if he didn't come down off his salary request, a deal has been solidified. Franklin Gothic will appear as the typeface for the opening crawl in all three sequels.

#2 – Confirmed: Spaaaaaaaaaaace.

Photo Credit: NASA

Squashing rumors that Star Wars executives were toying with the idea of the sequels taking place in the underground lands of the mole people, Space's publicist leaked word that her client was indeed locked in for the new films.

#3 – In Negotiations: Lightsabers and Blasters

Photo Credit: Lucasfilm/Disney

Both weapons are iconic to the Star Wars brand and they know it. Insiders report both are asking for significant hikes in  pay as well as cushy back-end deals on ticket sales. Unlike Franklin Gothic, who was forced to compromise or face recasting, these two powerhouses have Disney backed into a corner and they aren't letting up.

#4 – Confirmed: Planets with one biome.

Photo Credit: Lucasfilm/Disney

Mother Earth is rumored to be behind the stonewalling of any other planets with more than one environment in an attempt to discourage any advancements in space travel. Earth's people have repeatedly attempted to squash this rumor, stating their client has nothing but love and respect for other planets capable of supporting carbon based lifeforms.

#5 – Confirmed: Hempen robes.

Photo Credit: Lucasfilm/Disney

Riding high off the legalization of marijuana in several states hemp was able to lobby for the prominent return of their robes to the prequels, according to an anonymous source close to the project.

#6 – Confirmed: Noise in space.
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A representative for the laws of physics broke the news today that yes, they would once again be giving the Star Wars universe a pass and allow any number of sounds to be heard in the vacuum of space.

#7 – Confirmed: Ghost Jedi.

Photo Credit: Lucasfilm/Disney

Insiders were loathe to confirm which of the Jedi would be returning from beyond the grave, but would part with this tidbit. Budget has been allotted for a Ghost Trap and several Proton Packs indicating someone will be returning from beyond the veil for the latest installment.

# 8 – In Negotiations: The Force.

Art By: Avinash Arora

Like his counterparts – lightsaber and blaster – The Force is still undecided as whether he'll return for the latest installments of the series. Since 'A New Hope' launched his career in 1977, The Force has found a lucrative calling as a religious leader. His publicist would neither confirm or deny if there is time in The Force's busy schedule of touring sermons to get back to his roots but it will be up to the goodwill of his parishioners to decide if they can spare him.

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