The Duchess of that one bar where they serve tequila drinks with a neon twisty straw, Snooki, has take it upon herself to write an open letter to Kate Middleton offering advice on new motherhood. Snooki is of course qualified to do this because she’s managed to keep her son Lorenzo alive for nearly a year now. The missive was originally printed on the site YourTango, and here it is reproduced for your reading (term used liberally) pleasure (term used as a total lie):
“Dear Duchess of Cambridge aka Kate Middleton,
Waiting for your little Prince or Princess to arrive, I am sure you are prepared for your life to totally change-even more than it already has. In the beginning, right when you take your royal golden nugget home to the castle is the most exciting experience of your life. I couldn’t wait to wake up in the middle of the night to take care of my little prince Lorenzo.
But that lasts for about a few days. Then it’s like, “I love you but OMG stop crying! I’m exhausted.” The lack of sleep you will get used to-just do your makeup, put a tiara on, and you’ll look beautiful as usual. Be sure to sing to your baby a lot, too! When I sing to my booger, he calms down and stares at me like he’s in love, which makes me feel amazing-or he’s just trying to tell me to shut the hell up because I can’t sing.
Anyway, music calms them down. I’m pretty sure you can have anyone you want over to sing to your little one … maybe a lullaby from Elton John?
I have no doubt that you will be an amazing mom, but talking to other moms helps, especially being a new mommy. I think we can now add Goddess to your list of titles.
Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi”
To recap, because that was very long, here’s Snook’s advice: be prepared for a baby to come out of your body; use makeup liberally when you’re feeling tired; keep Elton John handy; and start a playgroup with Snooki.