2006 Preview: Seattle Seahawks

Welcome to another installment of our 32-part series, Better Know a Football Team.

2005 Recap: 13-3, lost Super Bowl XL, not very funny. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Captain Caveman, allow me to admit: I love the Seahawks. I might love them more than my parents. Last season’s phenomenal playoff run was the closest I’ve ever seen a Seattle team come to a championship. But I’ll be the first to tell you that it wasn’t a funny team. Let’s take a closer look:

– Hard-hitting safety and defensive anchor Ken Hamlin was beaten to within an inch of his life outside a Seattle night club following the ‘Hawks’ Week 6 victory against the semipro Texans. I felt sick for three days. Not funny.

– Shaun Alexander was voted the league’s MVP, scoring 28 TDs and doing the most boring touchdown celebrations ever. He’s a devout Christian, he loves his wife and children, and he says all the right things to the media. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

– Matt Hasselbeck quietly became one of the best QBs in the NFL, kind of like a poor man’s Brett Favre when Favre was good. He’s so tough that when he tackles someone, it’s a penalty. But really, is he funny? Nope.

– All in all, Seahawks President Tim Ruskell pieced together an entirely unfunny team by focusing on things like “character” and “team.” Oops, except Sean Locklear. Still, domestic violence: not funny.

– Well, there was one comedic highlight: Qwest Field on November 27th. That was the Giants’ Week 12 overtime debacle in which the G-Men had 11 false starts and Jay Feely steadfastly refused to win the game. I would have found it hilarious if I hadn’t been breathing into a paper bag. Still, when I’m having a bad day, I like to look at this.

Potential for Comedy in 2006: for Captain Caveman — Zero; for everyone else — Excellent. Despite the loss of All-World guard Steve Hutchinson to the Purple Pussies of Minnesota, the Seahawks may have gotten better in the off-season. And it’s this kind of talk — “They were a Super Bowl team, and they got better!” — that will make even the easiest of regular-season wins this year a hand-wringing affair for me.

Here are things that could make me throw up this season and also give countless fans of other teams unlimited laughter (it’s incredibly hard to type with crossed fingers, as I fear publishing these thoughts will doom them to become true):

– Hasselbeck gets injured. The Seahawks’ backup QB is (still) Seneca Wallace. I saw him in the second half of a preseason game at Qwest last year. He looked like ass against Minnesota’s second string. Sweet mother of God, Matt, be careful out there.

– A weak secondary kills them. Despite drafting Kelly Jennings with their #1 pick, the ‘Hawks secondary remains their weak spot, especially if Ken Hamlin’s return is less than complete. I suppose some people might laugh if Matt Leinart picks apart the Seattle D with Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald. I’m twenty-seven; is that too young to have hypertension?

– Alexander the Great gets old. He’s 30 this season. Maurice Morris is barely more competent than Seneca Wallace. I’m terrified.

What to expect:
A playoff team. Very few laughs. Me screaming at the television about a team playing 3000 miles away, resulting in dangerously high blood pressure.

Finally, as much as I would like to pretend this picture didn’t exist, here’s a photo from when the Seahawks were funny, as recently as two years ago:

Note to commenters: I will delete every single comment that pertains to the referees of Super Bowl XL, Jerramy Stevens’s dropped passes, or the Pittsburgh Steelers. Then I will find you, and I will fight you. So just save me the trouble, okay?

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