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100 Future NFL Player Names

By 03.27.07

If you haven’t filled out your brackets over at the Name of the Year blog, you’d best do it in a hurry. Me, I picked Vanilla Dong to take it all, with bonus points for irony if Vanilla Dong is a black person. Inspired by that blog, and by John Hodgman’s 700 hobo names, I’ve compiled a handy list of 100 future NFL stars. These are players who do not exist yet. So, should you find yourself giving birth to a future All-Pro, feel free to partake from this list. Just be sure you use Bigdaddydrew for a middle name.

-Whip Jensen
-Thunderstick Cherry
-#1 Pinckney
-Frankincense Cornell
-Asswipe Johnson
-Peytonmanning Manning
-ESPNClassic Bailey
-Gandalf Jackson
-Colt Schmuck
-Snatch Tucker
-Tucker Snatch
-Dracula Washington IV
-James “Assboulders” Jameson
-Campbell’s Chunky New England Clam Chowder McNabb
-Heroin Marinovich
-Ding Dong
-Iron Douglas
-Freebird Skynyrd Mayweather
-Leather Berman
-Sexualize Funtime
-FUBU Jefferson
-FUBU Wright
-FUBU Babyphat Nelson
-D’Var’Shon’Ex Dellacroix
-Unytas Thompson
-Irresistible Force Garrison
-Immovable Object Garrison
-Sexcannon Cammon
-Puddingcan Vick
-Highlife Morgan
-Qock Dergan
-Arcade McNown
-Majestic Stevens
-Deez Nutz Carlson
-Pale Rider Ufford
-Taylortyler Reese
-Haterationiswrong Loverman
-DeVry Hickenlooper
-Wutang Clanton
-Lean Kiel
-Metal Gear Solid Varney
-iPod Lowenstein
-iTunes Music Store Lowenstein
-Sword Swanson
-Magiccock Blaster Kim
-Fuckgisele Brady-Moynahan
-‘Ggyuonn (pronounced John) Nelligan
-Chattanooga Choochoo
-Defies Categorization Yukendo
-Budweiser Hot Seat Smith
-Mr. Tibbs Tibbs
-Quizshow Redding
-Touch The Sky Cioffi
-Frantz Underpantz Besen
-Seanito Salibury
-KFC Jones
-Allterrainvehicle Farley
-Mary Beth King
-Pharris Bueller Bueller
-Raped Zimmer
-Anti-Vincent Vincent
-Beastieboy Gregory
-Gatorade Frost Kingston
-Glandular Problem Brown
-Eyenstein Theismann
-Tarquin Flimbim Limbim Bustop Fetang Fetang Ole Biscuitbarrel
-Dictionary Encyclopedia Phelps
-Purpleone Savior Wilson
-Grade A Huber
-Magic Hat No. 9 Fischer
-Sociology Professor Dickson
-Volt McCumber
-Doctor Asstap Harden
-Fabian Darian IV Hibbert IV
-Blackie Lawless
-Levi Dockers Jones
-Tarantula Adams
-Milkdud Carter
-I Ain’t Signing Shit (or IASS) Gibbons
-Jamesbond Schwatrz
-Anquandejuandanteantwan Farrelly
-! Morris
-Chevy Tahoe Vardell
-Duke Of York Bonger
-Scooter Cooter
-Has2fuck Garrison
-Ray “Christ” Lewis Jr.
-Auschwitz Derringer (excellent sprinter)
-Playa Player
-Hypnotiq Van de Kamp
-Grandtheftauto Vicecity Lorring
-Myspace Fellatio
-Crown Royal
-Britny Fox
-Megatron Vampira
-Kingofpop 2.0 Quinnipiac
-Meatwad
-Eczema Phillips
-Topgun Simmons
-Git-r-done McMasters

This list clearly needs improvement. Yours in the comments.


TAGSBig Daddy DrewNo one names their kid woody anymoreplayer names

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