Each week leading up to the draft, we at KSK will be holding a mock draft of our own in the category of our choosing. This week, we are drafting countries, pre-divided parcels of LAND! It’s the only thing they’re not making more of, or some shit.
The rules here: Only currently existing nations may be selected (sorry, Austria-Hungary). The United States is off limits. Some elaborate description of how and why you would pillage that nation’s resources/people/geopolitical characteristics is required.
The Order: Ape, UM, CC, Drew, flub, MMP.
Serpentine format, so MMP leads off for Round 2.
NOTE: There is one semi-NSFW image below. Scroll with caution.
You can read Round 1 here.
MMP: 7. Sweden
Lots of skiing, hockey, and blonde women. That welfare state bullshit will have to be phased out and I’ll probably have to off a few bankers before they embrace the euro, but we can worry about that after we assassinate Bjork.
CC: Iceland, Sweden. Potayto, potahto.
MMP: I know Bjork is from Iceland, Mr. 20th Amendment. That’s why we’re killing her.
That, and that dress.
flub: 8. Lesotho.
I’m picking Lesotho here. Not because I have any interest in ever setting foot there, but because I am convinced South Africa would pony up some serious Krugerrands (or maybe even Charlize Theron) to buy it from me.
I mean, what if there was some small independent country right in the middle of the continental US? It would piss us off big time.
UM: You mean texas?
Drew: 9. The United Kingdom.
An absolute steal. While the sun may now occasionally set on the
British Empire, I still get the British VI’s as part of the deal. And
I can use the British Army to “reaffirm” ownership of Ireland and
Scotland, maybe rifle down a few rock-throwing protesters in the mix.
I’d get all the smoked salmon I could eat, all the Guiness and
Caffrey’s I could drink, all the best golf courses in the universe,
and I could have Prince William murdered (preferably in a tower with
his brother in an homage to Richard III) and claim Kate Middleton for
Oh, and I could shut down the Arseblog.
MMP: For your information, there is plenty of historic golfing in Sweden.
UM: I have a bad feeling that CC is about to scoop my pick.
CC: 10. Argentina.
Not my ideal second-round draft pick, but if I’m going to be owning countries, I’m damn sure going to need a bountiful source of Latinas, and Argentina has a nice combination of retaining the Latina sexiness while actually descending from Spaniards and Italians. HOTT!
(Colombia almost got the nod because of all the cocaine, but it’s got that whole civil-strife / cartel violence / kidnapping of rich people thing I wouldn’t want to be a part of.)
Anyway, lots of great things about owning Argentina: Lujan Fernandez; Buenos Aires; cheerleaders in tear-away skirts; lots of beaches and variegated geography and climate so I don’t get bored; and the ability to wear the sweet Argentine soccer jersey and not be a poseur.
I could probably even have Manu Ginobili and his family killed. Oh, and Argentina has an undisputed land claim over Antarctica. Who wants penguin steak?
Also Argentine: Carolina Ardohain.
UM: 11. UAE
In one word: Dubai
I would bulldoze all of the other emirates (too cool for states?) and turn the land into desert golf resorts and synagogues. Dubai itself is too bountiful to pass up. Their government established free zones have resulted in an economic boom that makes oil money look passe. Of course the first thing to catch your eye is their ostentatious architecture, and who wouldn’t want to play a game of rooftop tennis overlooking the Gulf of Oman. They’ve built their own fucking island in the likeness of a palm tree and now just look at what the Donald is about to build. Hey Trump, Georgia O’Keeffe thinks that’s a bit on the nose.
CC: Any selection of any country in the Middle East for any other reason than turning it into a parking lot is a foolish pick.
UM: It’s only Dubai I care about, the rest of place would be as good as gone.
flub: Once we kick our oil addiction, the UAE will disappear into the sand like the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.
UM: I really just want to play tennis on the insane rooftop…oh and the golf is amazing.
Ape: Argentina is a great pick. And the only reason I got to go to Buenos
Aires last summer is because I was dating one of those Jewish
Argentine girls whose family, though resides in Florida (ugh), owns a
home in BA (yay!).
Ape: 12. Israel.
If we can’t pick the U.S., I’ll just pick the country that controls
the U.S. All of my citizens (subjects?) are potential troops and I
have a ton of firepower. Also, Israeli girls, though in my experience
fairly stuck-up, are reliably hot.
UM: You can take over Israel all you want, the UN will just keep giving it back to the chosen people.
Coming Up: Round 3