Now that the NFL has decided to start playing games abroad in an attempt to extend their global fanbase, we at KSK have taken it upon ourselves to begin a multi-part series schooling our international friends in all things NFL. Next up: Germany.
Guten tag, herrs and hausfraus! If there is one nation on the European continent eager to embrace American football, it is you, fair Germans. With your love of sausage, your dormant-but-still-present hankering for fascism, and your unnecessarily intricate language, the NFL is custom-tailored to you, the German viewer! It’s why 135% of all NFL Europa teams play in the Fatherland.
I’ve been to Germany twice. Actually, that’s a lie. I’ve been to Bavaria twice. Bavarians, of course, consider themselves their own nation. It’s just like South Carolina, only it has a more successful history in ethnic cleansing. Touring Munich, I was wowed by its natural beauty and hideous population. There are so many dorks in your country, o Germans, I thought I had wandered into a Magic: The Gathering convention. Have none of you heard of contact lenses? I also visited a Munich cabaret. Americans might think a cabaret is the same as a strip club. It is not. You pay 10 euros to watch a semi-attractive German possible she-male dance around for 20 minutes before finally taking her top off, then scurrying off immediately thereafter. On the strokability scale, it ranks a solid negative 2! One of the dancers we saw there had nipples the size of saucers. Huzzah!
I also went to Dachau. Unfortunately, I went during lunch hour and had had no breakfast that morning. Ever try and eat a turkey sandwich and chips in the middle of a concentration camp? You will not have a more awkward ethical argument with yourself.
In my travels, and from watching “Top Secret!”, I learned many things about how to sell the NFL to you Deutsch folk. Read on, and you’ll discover why the NFL will make your schnitzengruben nice and firm.
What You’ll Think Is Gut About The NFL:
-Ugly Minnesota Vikings offense inspired by German architecture
-Philadelphia Eagles defensive coordinator Jim Johnson, who loves blitzes nearly as much as Rommel did
-Armchair quarterbacking perfect for Germans, who believe they do everything better then everyone else in the world
-Fat, loud asshole Chris Berman could pass self off as German
-Patriots coach Bill Belichick, like Ralph Fiennes in “Schindler’s List”, also enjoys standing on a tower and picking off women and children one by one
-“You Got Jack’d” segment mimics techniques of numerous Tom Twyker films
-League totally lacking in anything resembling humor
-Elaborate, overthought game plans inspired by German car engineers who can design a 600 hp BMW but can’t design a way to turn the LCD display off
-All coaches poorly dressed
-Frequent, attacking nature of game allows catharsis for the raving Imperialist lurking inside every German
-Cheerleaders made according to German purity laws
-Uniform pants not quite as much like lederhosen as NHL pants, but still darn close
-NFL team owner tradition of viewing games from box purposely echoes Hitler’s Olympic viewing technique
-Large number of black players perfect fit for the land of chocolate
-NFL Films head Steve Sabol is a second cousin of Leni Riefenstahl
What You’ll Think Is Scheisse About The NFL:
-Beer vendors unfamiliar with radler drink will refuse to pour Sprite into your beer. You homo
-Polka not played during halftime show
-Possible future NFL regular season game in Munich increases likelihood of obnoxious American tourist throwing up on your sister’s durndel at the Hofbrauhaus
-Games played during crucial “coffee and cake” portion of day
-Players only come in helles or dunkels varieties
-Time-consuming nature of games robs Germans of favorite pastimes such as: laughing at own jokes, wearing colorful sweaters, and driving 150mph down a two-lane highway
-No sprockets. No dancing.
I suggest an all-wurst tailgate for you, including bratwurst, weisswurst, cheddarwurst, wurstsalad, wurstsoda, wurstsauce, wurstdogs, and wurstcakes. Tailgate entertainment can be provided by Lily von Schtupp, the Teutonic Titwillow.
I hope you found this lesson both fun and utterly pedantic. Heil Germany and the NFL!