Travel season is here, and that means shelling out lots of cash for you and your significant other to spend a week someplace insignificant (really, you can sleep ’til noon anywhere), spending your day doing mundane crap that might look like fun, I guess, if you’re some 40-year-dipshit that lives within the glossy confines of some pamphlet photograph. And after a week of all that, you’ll be lucky to get one night of sex out of the ordeal. Who calls that a vacation?
Suppose you just want to blow town for a weekend, possibly because you’re not getting blown yourself? Why go through the trouble of bringing someone along when, at the end of the day, you’re just waiting for them to go to sleep so you can jerk off in peace? Where’s the time for mÃ©nage Ã moi? Shouldn’t that be the focus of your hard-earned hiatus?
Well, now it can be. Pack your bags, book your ticket, and tell that ungrateful little tramp that you’re flying with Han Solo this summer. Once again, we’ve got you covered, as your compadres in hand present to you The 10 Best US Cities To Masturbate.
1. Fort Lonesome, Florida
History is rich in Fort Lonesome, where the villiagers’ ancestors did battle with the Spanish, led by the famed commander Wild Tyler Johnson. As you wander these ancient grounds, prepare yourself for some hand-to-gland combat when you visit the Seminole War re-enactment past the old mill near Booger Man’s corner. Stop by the locals’ favorite seaside diner, Sailor Ned’s, for a heaping bowl of homemade chowder. Work at your own speed as you enjoy the long rows of shops and get a taste of the town’s favorite dessert, Fingers and Cream. Before the day is out, cap your night with a pale ale at Willie’s Pub. If you’re up for a quick visit, engage in a dishonorable discharge in the handicapped stall of the men’s room, and then work up a foamy lather in their newly remodeled sinks!
2. Dry Prong, Louisiana
Explore the wilderness in the Deep South in this old town that was held in the palm of Union hands through much of the Civil War. Butter your corn as you dine in a private booth at Diamond’s Grill in the renovated Schnack’s Warehouse, where the chicken is choked twice each day (they even churn their own butter!). Stroll through the town square to the back of City Hall and meet Mr. Stickeykeys, the only mayor of Dry Prong since 1988. Spend your twilight enjoying the Longleaf Pine forests and drive past the nearby hardwoods entering Alexandria. She loves an audience.
3. Come by Chance, Newfoundland
Located on the Avalon Peninsula, Come by Chance exports more fish from its shores than half the eastern seaboard. Which half? We don’t know. Watch as local villagers drill for oil near the North Atlantic Refining Company, which can handle 115,000 barrels in a single day, and doesn’t employ women under 50. Due to the rich fishing economy, seafood has been banned from the Avalon Peninsula since the 1950s, but find yourself still within reach of maritime necessities, such as dolphin wax and two-toned trout sauce, at the local Purple General Store. All this and more makes Come by Chance one of the 10 best US cities to masturbate!
4. Left Hand, West Virginia
Shooting north of the Bible Belt, this West Virginia village boasts one of the most devoutly religious populations of the Midwest. At nearby Ohio Valley University, students are required to wrestle a stiff load that includes one Bible class each semester. Bishop Thomas, the faculty president, challenges the incoming students each year to his annual armwrestling copmetition, held discretely in the confines of his office, to see if the young ones have what it takes to “beat the Bishop.” The spring semester is concluded when the student body performes its traditional performance of “Much Goo About Nothing.”
5. Blue Ball, Pennsylvania.
Just a toss from Left Hand sits another must-see destination along the southern Pennsylvania border. As you stroll through this Amish town, you may find yourself in the back of one of the open furniture warehouses, varnishing the banister. Good deals can be reached on these custom-built crafts if you can find a shop that happens to be liquidating its inventory (you may have to exercise the negotiator to get the best deal, those Amish can be quite stingy). Make a trip during the holiday season and you could be spending your Christmas bonus on a brand new hand-made one-person love seat, just for you.
Rounding out the top ten:
Dripping Springs, Texas; Last Chance, Colorado; Protection, Kansas; Hell, Michigan; and Man I Love Jerking Off, North Carolina.