Five Fast Facts About The Rams:
-Fullback Madison Hedgecock moonlights as the newest star in the asstraffic.com stable.
-When Pacman Jones’ suspension was handed down, defensive end Leonard Little had a good, hearty laugh. Then he got drunk, hopped in his car, and took out a retiree crossing the street.
-Seriously, fuck Leonard Little.
-Guard Richie Incognito’s Nebraska education makes him oblivious to any and all jokes made about his last name.
-When dining out, head coach Scott Linehan will always order the strangest thing on the menu, only to immediately regret his adventurousness. Linehan has regurgitated such items as turtle blood soup, braised tripe, elephant sweetbreads, cured pig jowl, and a fritto misto with ox asshole.
Projected 2007 Record:
8-8, T-1st in NFC West
Actual 2007 Record:
7-9, T-1st in NFC West
Ten Yards Of Awkwardness With: Marc Bulger!
During our NFL prekakke celebration, I’ll be sitting down to chat with players from various teams across the league. For the Rams, it’s starting quarterback and West Fucking Virginia’s own Marc Bulger.
Big Daddy Drew: Marc, thanks for taking time to sit down with us.
Marc Bulger: No problem.
Drew: Last year, I made the finals of my fantasy league. I’d never even made the playoffs before, so I was pretty psyched. The team I went up against had both you and Stephen Jackson. You threw 4 TD’s, while Jackson had over 250 combined yards and scored 2 TD’s. This isn’t really a question, but I just wanted to tell you: Watch your back. Okay? Because I’ll be watching yours. Comprende?
Drew: That goes for your family as well. Protect them. Sometimes I black out, and I can’t be held responsible for what happens when “Mr. Stick” takes over.
Drew: You spell your name Marc with a “c”, which is the French way of spelling it. Is being sacked something you’re just naturally good at, or is it more of a learned skill?
Bulger: Our line is better this year.
Drew: When they make a live-action “Shrek” film, will Orlando Pace be tapped to star?
Bulger: I don’t know.
Drew: Mike Rumph is on your roster. How much pressure do you feel to score 60 points every game?
Bulger: We have a good defense.
Drew: You took over starting QB duties from Kurt Warner. When Brenda Warner leaves you threatening voicemails, is it scary, or just sort of humorous?
Bulger: Brenda is a very nice person.
Drew: I’m sure that’s true during the day. I’m talking about during a full moon. You know. During the Feasting Hour.
Bulger: I don’t know what you mean.
Drew: The Rams signed Drew Bennett in the offseason. How do you feel about the team’s stance against performing physicals on free agents? Is this some sort of Christian Scientist policy?
Bulger: Drew had a physical and is healthy.
Drew: You went to West Virginia. I have a question about wine pairings. What moonshine goes well with grilled nutria? I was thinking a ’79 Jimbob Reserve.
Bulger: I don’t know.
Drew: You’re originally from Pennsylvania. Do you enjoy breathing out of your mouth as much as everyone else from that state does?
Bulger: I’m proud to be from Pennsylvania.
Drew: I’m sure you are. Brock Berlin is on the Rams roster. Why?
Bulger: I don’t know.
Drew: The Rams signed Randy McMichael during the offseason. What has McMichael taught you about punching pregnant women?
Bulger: Randy’s great.
Drew: Your team goal this year is to win the NFC West. Isn’t winning the NFC West kind of like being handed a free Frisbee at a radio festival?
Bulger: It’s a hard division.
Drew: You recently signed a contract extension with $27 million in guaranteed money. Do you ever resent the fact that you’re rich and single but forced to live in St. Louis?
Drew: Seriously? I’ve seen chicks from that town. They all wear stirrup pants and have boobs you could hide a box of paper clips under.
Bulger: I’m happy in St. Louis.
Drew: Offensive tackle Todd Steussie is an alleged steroid user. And offensive tackle Alex Barron went to Florida State. Is this the most rape-savvy offensive line in football?
Drew: Safety Corey Chavous is known around the league as a savvy draftnik and personnel evaluator. But if that’s the case, why hasn’t Chavous recommended that the Rams release Corey Chavous yet?
Bulger: Corey is still good.
Drew: Rams owner Georgia Frontiere strikes me as the kind of old broad who starts drinking gin at 10AM in the morning, then tries to bang the pool boy around noon, only to become a sobbing wreck when he rebuffs her advances. Agreed?
Drew: Is it true that Frontiere played the evil sister in “Whatever Happened To Baby Jane”?
Bulger: That was Bette Davis.
Drew: Is it true she starred as Blanche in a stage production “A Streetcar Named Desire” and begged the actor playing Stanley to actually rape her?
Drew: Do you ever think to yourself at night, “Whew! Thank God we’re in the NFC. At least we have a fighting chance.”?
Drew: Doesn’t 1999 seem really, really, really far away to you?
Drew: Would you consider kissing me?
Drew: What if I flashed you a little leg? See this milky white inner thigh? It could be all yours.
Drew: Marc, thanks for your time.
Bulger: My pleasure.