Someone asked me the other day if Halloween was an actual holiday and I told them to go punch the clown. Well, I didn’t actually say that. The conversation actually went more like this:
He: (walks into my office without knocking, like an asshole) Hey [Punter],
Me: (actually trying to get some work done) Yeah? What’s up?
He: Settle this arguement Punjab and I were having. Punjab says Halloween is not an actual holiday and I say it is. What do you–
Me: Go punch the clown, Chad. Shithead.
He: No, seriously, it’s gotta be a real–
Me: Did we get the day off?
He: Uh…Well, no, but–
Me: Is this a day where it is socially permissible to consume alcohol as soon as I wake up?
He: (frustrated) No, but…
Me: But what, Chad?
He: …But we have the costume contest in the break room after lunch.
Me: Why don’t you and Punjab just skip the contest and consummate your relationship in the broom closet and maybe he’ll buy you that new iPhone you wanted.
Yeah, so unless you’re under 15 or someone close to you is sacrificing their abode for a midweek opportunity to get smashed, this day really has very little to offer you. I’ll be doing well to catch a peek of a slutty pirate making their way down Main Street. Henceforth, we present the Second Annual KSK Halloween Kostume Bukkake, where we pick the outfits that we’d have our (least) favorite NFL personalities wearing on All Hallow’s Eve. We’ll get you started–yes, we listed a couple guys twice–and we look forward to your contributions in the comments:
Chris Cooley (pictured)- Slutty Nurse
Norv Turner – Edward James Olmos
Joe Gibbs – Marty Schottenheimer
San Diego Chargers – New Orleans Saints
Orlando Pace – 1950 Ford Edsel
Reggie Wayne – Detective Ricardo Tubbs
Jeff Garcia – Templeton from Charlotte’s Web
Eli Manning – Peyton Manning
Archie Manning – Peyton Manning
Peyton Manning – Olivia Manning
Jeremy Shockey – Amy Winehouse
Chad Pennington – Reed Richards
Jim Sorgi – Matt Ufford
Bill Belichick – Allen Funt
Daniel Snyder – Frodo Baggins
Mike Holmgren – William Howard Taft
Quincy Carter – Eddie Murphy’s character from 48 Hours
T. J. Houshmanzadeh – Eddie Murphy’s character in Coming To America
Jeff Garcia – Eddie Murphy offering rides home for the “girls”
Ben Roethlisberger – Placido Polanco
Mike Ditka – Joseph Stalin
Brady Quinn – Sarah Jessica Parker
Julius Jones – Thing 2
Mike Vrabel – Jake Gyllenhaal
Jeff George – Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite
Matt Leinart – Glenn Quagmire
Larry Fitzgerald – Matt Leinart
Roger Goodell – Richard M. Nixon
Gene Upshaw – Kunta Kinte
Jon Kitna – Larry The Cable Guy
Herm Edwards – Worf
Tom Coughlin – Tom Coughlin
Kellen Clements – Baby Jesus
Purple Jesus – A grape-flavored deity of his choice
Peter King – Deanna Favre
Chad Johnson — Keyshawn Johnson
Vinny Testeverde – A styrofoam cup in a landfill