Wade: For a week coming off a loss, it’s certainly been quiet around here. Jim Johnson foiled our attack good, even rattled Romo a bit. Just have to eliminate the distractions and I’ll have everything back in apple pie order.
Let’s see what else is going on around the league:
Hmmm. Pro Bowl rosters announced. Hey, a league-high 11 Cowboys! That’s even more than New England. Wonder how we swung that?
What’s this sidebar? “Parcells rejects Falcons offer, may join Dolphins.” Hoo boy.
(door flies open)
Wade: Oh lordie.
Jerry: Your Lord is right, Bulbous the Blubber Beefcake! Can you believe what the media is saying the world-beating squad I’ve assembled is the work of Parcells? They say he’s gonna replicate the task in Miami. He didn’t even want T.O. or my great goddamn star ROMO.
Wade: You can’t really concern yourself with what the media says, sir.
Jerry: YOU BETTER GODDAMN BELIEVE I CAN, CAUTIONARY WHALE!
(flips on TV)
Parcells: It’s like I said, you scribbling little faggots: I’ll fix this little pathetic fucking franchise right up in no time, just like I did in New England, New York and Dallas. Write that shit down and shove it in your peehole, twinkledick. Please refer all follow-up questions to the back of your sallow teeth, shitheads.
(turns TV off)
Jerry: Did you hear that, Mother Flubber? I know if he said all-you-can-eat moon pie night, you’d have fucking heard him clear as a Day’s Inn seafood buffet, Lard O’ Lakes.
Wade: He did do a fine job of getting the team back on track after a few losing seasons.
Jerry: He did a fine job of HORSE SHIT, Hamhock! He couldn’t even win a goddamn playoff game. This success has all been the makings of Double-J! Now you better get your fat on the road and deliver me a Super Bowl, or I won’t give you this hover scooter for Christmas so you can float your flab ass to the refrigerator and back.
Wade: I’ll do what I can, sir.
Jerry: YEEHAW!!! WOO HOO!! I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!