As you know, Tom Brady has baffled reporters in recent days by sporting a protective boot on his foot and being conspicuously absent from the Pats’ initial Super Bowl practice sessions. After much research, we at KSK have discovered not only the nature of Brady’s injury, but where he was while his team practiced without him. He was, in fact, in Seattle, at Seattle Grace hospital. Here now is a transcript of what happened, as told to us by a surgical resident at the hospital.
Annoying Meredith Grey Voiceover: Cutting. As a surgeon, it is our job to cut. Sometimes we cut deeply. Sometimes we cut just a little bit. But we are always cutting. And when we cut, we leave a scar. And when we leave a scar, we know just how deeply we have cut those we come into contact with. And those cuts can add up to one big cut over time. And we cannot uncut what we have cut. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
(Meredith wakes up in bed)
Meredith: My God. I drank far too much Chardonnay last night. I had a dream that I was falling. What does that mean? How does that impact my life? Derek, how am I going to get through this?
(turns over in bed to find Tom Brady in bed with her)
Meredith: OH MY GOD! You’re not Derek!
McDreamboat: What happened? A doctor was fixing my leg up, then you came in to bring me ice chips, and then some other doctor came in with wine. Then another one came in and started dancing around. Do you people even do any fucking work at all?
Meredith: Oh, my God. Iâ€¦ I can’t be here right now. What does this all mean for me? For us? My godâ€¦
(enter Izzy with a cake)
Izzy: Who likes cake in the morningâ€¦ HOLY SHIT! You banged a patient! You banged a patient! (bursts into tears) I can’t believe you would do that to me! You knew this would remind me of Denny!
Meredith: But he’s not Dennyâ€¦
Izzy: Don’t you bring up Denny to me! Okay? You have no right! He was so amazing. (laughs while crying) We were going to open up a free clinic in Africa together. We weren’t going to make any money. In fact, we had no sustainable plan for it at all. BUT I CARE ABOUT MY PATIENTS, DAMMIT!
Meredith: Please, Izzy, don’t tell anyone. Not even George. Oh God, what will this all mean for me?
(cut to Izzy at the hospital. Derek approaches)
McDreamy: Hey, you seen Meridith?
Izzy: Oh my God, you know? (bursts into tears) I thought she never would have told you!
McDreamy: Told me what?
Izzy: What? Oh, you didn’tâ€¦ OH GOD! (bursts into tears) OH GOD, IZZY! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? YOU SHOULD HAVE KEPT YOUR MOUTH SHUT? WHY DO I ALWAYS HURT THE ONES I LOVE?
(wanders out into rain while a KT Tunstall song plays for five minutes)
McDreamy: That was odd.
(enter Dr. Bailey)
McDreamy: Dr. Bailey, have you seen Dr. Grey?
Bailey: No, I have NOT. Okay? I do not have TIME to go hunting for interns. I do not have TIME to be concerned with your love life. I do not have TIME to take my focus away from my patients. I do not even have TIME to tie my shoes, Dr. Shepard. I WISH that I had that kinda TIME. I WISH I had TIME to look for MY loved ones. I WISH that I had TIME to have coffee in the courtyard. But I do not HAVE that kind of TIME. Do you understand, Dr. Shepard? Have you taken the TIME to understand that?
McDreamy: My God, you’re a human dynamo.
Bailey: Yes I am.
(Derek finds George)
McDreamy: Dr. O’Malley, have you seen Dr. Grey?
George: Who, Meredith? Uh, no. Iâ€¦ uhâ€¦ geeâ€¦ wellâ€¦ not really sureâ€¦ I guessâ€¦ Kinda awkward hereâ€¦ You’re so handsome and perfect and you do everything rightâ€¦ and uhâ€¦. I’m such a doucheâ€¦ soâ€¦ uhâ€¦ I WANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY, GOD DAMMIT!… uh… Listen, is it normal to lose your erection inside a woman?â€¦ Is it?â€¦ Because I do that with Izzy. Like ALL the time. She just starts talking about the environment while we’re doingâ€¦ you knowâ€¦ and I just can’t keepâ€¦
McDreamy: You know what? Just stop talking. I’ll find her on my own. Okay?
(Derek finds McSteamy)
McDreamy: Mark, have you seen Meredith?
McSteamy: Can’t find your girl again? That’s too bad. Listen, why don’t you let me run a train on that little number? You and I know I’m the only guy at this fucking hospital with a set of balls on me. You can’t like that Olive Oyl bitch THAT much. She’s not even hot. Your ex-wife? Now THAT was a piece of ass.
McDreamboat: Excuse me, has anyone see Dr. Grey?
McDreamy: Excuse me?
McDreamboat: I need to find Dr. Grey.
McSteamy: Why do you need to find HER?
McDreamboat: Well, it’s a bit embarrassing, but I think I might have left my wallet at her place. I need to find it or else I’ll miss practice.
(Meredith enters from down the hall. She sees all three men together.)
Meredith: Oh, my God. McDreamy, McSteamy, and McDreamboat all together! They’re a McTeamy! AHHHHHHH!!!! WHAT’S IT ALL MEAN FOR ME?!!!!
McDreamy: Meredith, what’s going on?
Meredith: Iâ€¦ Iâ€¦
(Just then, 500 plane crash victims are wheeled in to the main entrance)
EMT: WE GOT 500 PLANE CRASH VICTIMS HERE!!! WE NEED TO TRIAGE AND INTUBATE THESE PEOPLE!!!
Meredith: Oh my God. They’re so hurt and mangled! What’s it all mean for me? Why am I such a cunt to my sister?!
EMT: WILL YOU FUCKING MOVE, BITCH?
Meredith: Oh my God, I’m so rattled. So very rattled. DEREK!
McDreamy: Calm down, Meredith. Just calm down. Take a deep breath. Just calm down. And take a deep breath. Stay calm? Are you calm? Let’s all be calm. Let’s be calm now. Look at me. Be calm. Now look at your shoes. Are you calm?
Meredith: Yes, but WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN FOR ME? AND FOR US?
McDreamy: I can’t keep doing this, Meredith. I can’t keep doing this. You keep running away from me. And I keep running to you. But then you keep running some more. And then I keep running to catch up. There’s a lot of running. And I get so tired. So very tired from all the running. I don’t want to run. I want to walk. And stroll. And mosey with you. But I can’t walk with you unless you stop running and decide to shift down to a slower type of gait.
Meredith: I don’t know what I want, Derek. I don’t know what I want, but all I know is that I want someone who is happy with the fact that I don’t know what I want. Because I never know what I want, because I’m an annoying fucking shrew.
Christina: OH MY GOD! DID YOU SEE SOME OF THESE BURN VICTIMS? They have jet fuel burns. JET FUEL BURNS! You know how long I’ve been waiting to get my hands of a heart that’s been charred by jet fuel? I’ve read all about that shit. What are you fuckers sitting around for? This is MY FUCKING CHANCE TO GET AHEAD AND YOU’RE IN MY GODDAMN WAY. YOU PEOPLE AREN’T HARDCORE!!!
McDreamy: Why are you friends with that cunt?
Meredith: I don’t know. We like to dance. Oh Derek, what does all this MEAN for me?
McDreamboat: Uh, can I get my wallet?
(cut to Seattle skyline at night as Snow Patrol song plays)
Annoying Meredith Grey Voiceover: Cutting. They sometimes say that the first cut is the deepest. But what they don’t say is that the second cut can be just as deep. And, in the end, WHO we cut is just as important as what we cut. If only we could cut out all this cutting.
(cut to black)