Okay, so here’s a video clip (via the wondrous and newly outed Awful Announcing) of Buzz Bissinger completely losing his shit on Will Leitch last night and quoting from one of my columns (Yeeeeahhhh, free publicity!!!).
I hadn’t had a chance to see this clip until today, because I cancelled HBO recently (“Tell Me You Love Me”? More like “Tell Me I’m A Self-Absorbed Jackass”). But I have to say, now that I have seen it, I am fucking OUTRAGED. Not because Bissinger pounces on blogs like I pounce on a box of Crunch â€˜n’ Munch. No, I’m pissed because the greasy old fucker GOT MY NAME WRONG.
Let me tell you something, Buzz. IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME. I’ve been an uncredentialed blogger and board uncertified dick joke technician for over two whole years now. I take my vocation very, very seriously. This is not some frivolous pursuit. This is MY PASSION, particularly since “Heroes” is still in reruns. I put a lot of blood, sweat and tears into this career. Mostly sweat. And some Hershey’s Syrup. Regardless, I MEAN BUSINESS, you big, slouching assfister. (Seriously, would it kill you to sit up in your seat, buddy?)
My screen name, Big Daddy Drew, is quite possibly the dumbest screen name ever conceived. But I put a lot of sweat equity into this moniker, you heartless bastard. How dare you corrupt my precious brand name by getting it wrong in front of a live television audience? That’s shoddy journalism, and I won’t stand for it. I don’t need to take this kind of crap from a dude who kinda looks like acclaimed character actor John Billingsley.
Perhaps, Bissinger, you weren’t aware that we at KSK happen to have STANDARDS. No, I’m quite sure you breezed right by them. But let me tell you something, you dirty horsefucker: The next time you use my name, YOU DAMN WELL BETTER GET IT RIGHT. And, to help you make sure you get all aspects of KSK terminology correct, I’ve provided you with this very handy and portable study guide. Print it out if you like. You do know how to use a printer, don’t you, Oldie McGeezerhead? Good.
-“Big Daddy Drew” is capitalized. There are no Balls anywhere in the formal title. BDD is an allowable acronym, but only if you write the full name first.
-“Fucktaster” is not hyphenated.
-In fact, no hyphens are used here. That requires extra typing, and I don’t like doing that much work.
-“The Sex Cannon” is two words, always with the definite article preceding it
-Facts of any kind must not be used. Facts are for, like, nerds and shit.
-Bill Simmons EATS a fat dick. Always use the present tense.
-“Christmas Ape” may be shortened to “Xmas Ape”, but only if say something mean about the Washington Post first.
-“Armcock” is one word. No spaces.
-“Buzz fucks horses FARTHER up the ass than any man alive.” Never use further. That fails to connote proper depth.
-The term “Pussybasket” is of Kazakh origin and should be used sparingly.
Oh, and one more thing: THIS IS A COMEDY SITE. If you’d like to read real journalism, with real sources and credentials and shit, by all means do so. I won’t stop you. I read it myself all the time. I wouldn’t have anything to make fun of if I didn’t. Assbag.
If you folks have any other style guidelines to pass on to our new friend, please help him out. I’m sure he’ll assume I wrote them all anyway.
[Apely note: I’ll be appearing with trained writers WHO AREN’T AFRAID OF THE FACTS at Varsity Letters in New York tomorrow to discuss the events of my untimely demise from the MSM. Maybe they’ll verbally waylay me the way Bissinger did. Maybe if I get “totally fucking hammered” enough, I’ll read some Marmalard. Never know.]