Oh, hello there! Welcome back in. Do you like the new tile floor? I had it shipped in from Corsica, where it had been shipped in from Toledo. Walk on it for a second. Go on. Just walk.
Isn’t that incredible? Feels like you’re just wading out of the Mediterranean, does it not?
Can I have one of my associates bring you an aperitif? You can choose between caffeinated schnapps and caffeinated rose wine. No? Not thirsty? Very well, then. As you can see, we’ve been doing a bit of renovating up here. I recently came into agreement with one of my business partners that ensured me a very hefty return. I won’t talk exact figures, because that is uncouth, but let’s just say it’s valued somewhere between $59 million and $61 million. Somewhere in there.
As such, I have been able to dramatically upgrade the facilities here, so much so that we are now considered a first-class facility. By me. And I knows them hos.
Take a look around. You will find now that each room contains a fresh pair of Wigwam socks for wiping away ejaculate. And each room is equipped with a small bucket of saliva milked from the glands of children from the Burber tribe in East Morocco. The spit of these Burber children has long been prized for its warmth and lubrication ability. There is no additional charge to use these amenities, except for the $750 convenience charge.
But there’s more. We also have whips made from real leather now. And the fur on our handcuffs is made from 100% chinchilla. I know how itchy faux fur can be on the wrists. All our sheets are now 20% satin. Which is a dramatic improvement. While we still do not provide box springs, or headboards, I think you’ll still find it a real treat to hollow out a chick so close to a new tile floor.
We also provide monogrammed condoms upon request. I quite enjoy it. I myself have six middle names, so it’s always fun to see how many letters deep I can go. It’s also comforting to know your penis has been personalized. No one will mistake it for another, as so often happens.
We’ve also supplied every room with free trial packs of RU486. Until they run out, then I’ll have to ask Dr. Escobar for another freebie.
Do you like yanking knotted rags out of a woman’s backside? All our rags are now 100% cotton. And I have taken step to ensure that all of our girls have shaved anuses, even the Filipinos. Because it’s most unladylike for a lady to have stray black hairs popping out of her asscrack.
We also have towels now! Feel this!
(You feel it.)
That’s 100% terrycloth. The real thing.
We’ve also upgraded some of our toys. Room 102 has a three-pronged dildo now. Looks like a pitchfork. What’s the third prong for? I leave that to your imagination. Our bondage tables have also been refurbished. No more wobbly legs on those things! Ever see a client fall off the table while still attached to a pair of nipple clamps? Not fun.
But let’s get to the most serious upgrade of all. I know what you’re really curious about, and the answer is YES. We now have a full compliment of real WHITE WOMEN on the premises. That’s right, white women: the filet mignon of hookerdom. Our stable now includes over 40% white women, which qualifies us for capital letter status in the Zagat Escort Guide. I got this batch straight from Latvia. They don’t speak English, but they know their tongues.
This is Catrina. She came here in a shipping container with 50 tons of Chinese cabbage. Careful with her. She’s still trying to get used to open environments.
This is Jelena. She has no legal documentation. So if you’re okay with her being 18, and she’s okay with being 18, then I too am okay with her being 18.
This is Morgan. Get on the waiting list now and she can provide “care” for you sometime in 2021. Hope you health insurance. Not because she’s a real nurse, but because she’ll ride you till you break.
And this is Marlene. I think she’s someone aunt. Anyway. She needed a place to stay. So there you go.
Of course, having more white women means having more white collar prices. We’ve had to make some adjustments to our structure. Do you have a spare home you can use for collateral?
Excellent. That’ll do. Grab your lawyer and we’ll get you lashed to a chair with a carrot up your ass in no time.