As you’ve probably noticed, the offseason fucking blows, and not in a good way, like your sister. We get occasional distractions from the other sports, but like an absentee father, nothing can replace the void left by football (unless you’re a girl, in which case stripping should do the trick). The sheer awfulness of this time of the year leads many football fans to ask when the next season truly begins. Today, I will answer that question. Let’s take a look at some upcoming events in order to isolate the unofficial start of the 2008 football season.
Week 1– Sure, if you want to be literal. But that shit’s way too far away.
Preseason– Gayer than a semen drenched rainbow.
Madden Day– Maybe if you’re a shut-in.
Training camp– That’s like, practice.
Mini-Camp– The only time the prefix “mini” is used in a context that doesn’t suck is when it’s accompanied by “skirt” or “vagina.”
The Draft– It’s great, but Berman, Kiper, and Mort are all prominently involved.
April 15th– To quote a certain fat arrogant bastard, fuck and yes. Today, ladies and gentlemen, is NFL Schedule Day. Finally the day has come when fans and radio hosts alike can start penciling in results for all of the regular season games. What, you think that’s a bit too nerdy? Well then how the fuck do you start on your ’09 mock drafts, asshole?
You probably only know today as Schedule Day, but apparently it’s also something called Tax Day. April 15th is also a day steeped in historical significance, but can any of these events hold a candle to Schedule Day? Let’s examine…
1802– Wordsworth is famously inspired to write Wandered Lonely as a Cloud. But iambic tetrameter doesn’t have shit on Thursday Night Football.
1865– Lincoln dies, and Ford Theater releases their schedule of boring plays for 1866.
1892– General Electric is formed, but it soon becomes the AFL to Sheinhardt Wig Company’s NFL.
1912– The Titanic sinks, but fortunately Walter Camp lost his tickets in a poker game to the kid from Growing Pains.
1945– Bergen-Belsen concentration camp is liberated, but the Brits couldn’t get there in time to save Anne Frank.
1947– Jackie Robinson debuts with the Brooklyn Dodgers because he wasn’t man enough to play in the NFL, which integrated two years prior (most of it at least, George Preston Marshall was a total dick)
1955– Ray Kroc opens his first McDonald’s franchise to a waiting Chad Johnson.
Yeah, but were any of those events broadcast LIVE on the NFL Network at 2 pm. I don’t fucking think so!