X-FILES 2 TRAILER NOW IN ENGLISH
It's The Fifth Of The Month!

Listen, Drugging and Anally Raping Virginal Freshmen Girls Was Just a Phase I Went Through

By 06.05.08


Four months. People have been asking about some dumb article about my past for the last four freakin’ months. And I just can’t ignore it any more. It’s time for me to make an official response.

Listen, people. I don’t know why you have to keep bringing this up. All that stuff happened in the past. Like, did I use GHB to drug a 19-year-old freshman before anally raping her outside a fraternity house? Not according to my criminal record, I didn’t.

What’s that? My criminal record says I’m guilty of assault, reckless driving hit and run, reckless driving, and driving under the influence on different occasions? Well, yeah. My criminal record says a lot of things. Doesn’t mean you should believe them all.

All that stuff happened in the past, okay? I was just a young guy making his way in the world from the years 1998-2007. Who doesn’t have an off decade while they’re finding themselves?

Besides, during that time I had less than one run-in with the police per year. But you don’t hear me reminding everyone how law-abiding I am. So why is it a big deal if I did or didn’t drug and anally rape a 19-year-old girl a long time ago? We all go through that phase where we’re young and raping people. But I assure you, I grew out of it. I barely even like raping semiconscious acquaintances any more. Can’t we let bygones be bygones?

Another thing I need to make clear: no, I never read the article. I never read the article, but I can assure you that much of it is false and inaccurately reported. Like, did it mention how my status on a Rose Bowl-bound Washington Huskies team got me out of going to trial?

It did?

Well, okay. Lucky guess by the Seattle Times. Even a blind squirrel finds the occasional nut.

How about this. Did the article say that I jaywalk whenever the fuck I feel like it? Did it say that I killed a stray dog with a beer bottle? Did it say anything about Girl Scout Troop 513? And how no one ever found their bodies, but there was a garden in my apartment complex that sprouted prize-winning roses thanks to the nonpareil compost of rotting human flesh?

It didn’t? Okay, cool. Just goes to show that journalists never tell the whole story.


TAGScaptain cavemanjerramy stevens

Join The Discussion


[avatar]

Join the discussion. or Register