Yeah, that’s right: I’ve got HBO, bitches. Follow along for thoughts on last night’s season premiere of Hard Knocks, starring the Dallas Cowboys.
– Opening sequence: close-up on Tony Romo. WHERE’S JESSICA????? SHOW US JESSICA!!!!!
– The first “character” we get is tight end Jason Witten. He doesn’t like changing diapers. They show his wife. Quick! Judge her attractiveness, or the Internet will collapse!
– Romo spent the offseason teaching football in his Wisconsin hometown. Tips included footwork and how to blow a gimme playoff win by fucking up an extra point.
– And just like that, footage of the last two Cowboys playoff losses. Mmmmm, that’s delicious. Hold on, I gotta replay the Jordan Babineaux tackle.
– Jerry Jones addresses the team. There is a disappointing lack of shouting YEEEHAW and TIX-ASS.
– We’re ten minutes into the show, and I’d be bored out of my mind if I weren’t typing non-stop. This is the only show on television that needs commercials.
– Minute 14: Pacman Jones! Pacman’s special skill is catching and holding on to six balls all at once, something he learned while playing with Vince Young, who prefers to do it shirtless.
– Wade Phillips in a dri-fit t-shirt that hugs all the wrong places: there goes any chance of peaceful dreams tonight.
– Wade Phillips in a polo shirt that hugs all the wrong places: I see a theme developing here. For the love of God, someone get that man a XXXL or a muumuu or a king-size bed sheet. Anything that doesn’t cling to the underside of his bitch tits.
– In a not-at-all staged bit of rookie hazing, DeMarcus Ware pretends to show top draft pick Felix Jones the ropes, positioning him below Pacman’s window. Pacman dumps a trash can full of semen and dollar bills on Jones. Well, not really. It was water. But I like my version better.
– Lordy mercy! There was an earthquake at the ‘Boys training camp! It leads Jason Garrett to tell a joke. How do I know? Garrett: “That was a joke. Kidding.”
– T.O. wears sunglasses during his “confessional” interview, held indoors. Of course. He also unveils a line of t-shirts with such slogans as “iLove,” “iScore,” “iPractice,” “iBlock,” and so on. They’re a big hit with his teammates, who purchase them for one cock-sucking apiece.
– Highlight of the show so far: the rookies have to sing into “microphones” made of bananas with two plums attached at the base. It looks like genitalia!!!! ROFLOLZ!
– After a bad day at practice, rookie RB Keon Lattimore calls his big brother for support. SHOCKING TWIST: his big brother is Ray Lewis. Ray-Ray offers some tough love, tells Keon to “stay on your Bible, stay on your prayers,” and “by all means, lawyer up if you help your friends murder two people.”
– Day 9 of camp: Tony Romo arrives at practice to adoring fans. WHERE’S JESSICA???? SHOW US JESSICA!!!!
– Wade Phillips to the team: “You know, I don’t have a lot of rules, but at [Secondary] Coach [Dave] Campo’s request, I’m making a rule that you can’t pull down coaches’ pants any more.” Drew’s incorporating that into a Wade and Jerry post as we speak.
– The Cowboys have a strict no-hitting policy to keep players fresh for the regular season. Roy Williams does everything he can to ignore it. Kind of like the horse collar rule, or playing adequate pass coverage.
– Holy shit, say what you will about Jason Garrett being a Princeton nancy boy, his brother John — the tight ends coach — has a haircut straight out of The Great Gatsby. How does one maintain such a fine wave in one’s imperial Aryan hair, Master Garrett?
– The only two Cowboys on the roster with Super Bowl rings are Brad Johnson, who was so good he backed up Trent Dilfer in Tampa Bay [Edit: commenter goto11 notes that this is incorrect. We don’t particularly regret the error], and a young receiver named Todd Lowber, who was on the Giants’ practice squad last year. Really? They give rings to the practice squad guys? Aw, that’s sweet.
Final verdict: not exactly compelling television, but an interesting look at training camp. Sure as shit better than a preseason game. Perhaps a decent Wednesday night foil to Project Runway. If Suede (this fuckface) doesn’t stop speaking in the third person, I’m going to personally head over to Fashion Avenue to cut his abdomen to ribbons and hang him with his own intestines.