KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
A quintet of randomly assembled trivia:
-QB Brodie Croyle lost all six games that he started last season. He played his college football at Alabama, where he perfected his unique, ellipically-shaped haircut, which he refers to simply as “Follicle Village.”
-RB Larry Johnson has 1,050 career carries, averaging 4.5 yards per pop. He credits his success to a training regimen called “Dots,” which involves him standing on a marked platform, eating spoonfuls of pebble-shaped ice cream.
-Jay Feely lasted exactly one day in Chiefs camp. Upon his dismissal, head coach Herm Edwards was praised for his humanity after declining to euthanize the kicker, choosing instead to simply open the front gate and let him roam free.
-Star linebacker Derrick Thomas died suddenly in 2000, so look for him to see reduced action this year.
-Kansas City is actually in Missouri which, to me, sounds like bullshit. The entire city used to be in Kansas, until it was stolen in 1836 by the old train robber Slippery Dan Honeybaker and his gang. They sacked the city in the dead of night, and then moved it outside of state lines, where they started the Great Plains Squaredancing Society, which holds meetings on the last friday of each month to this very day. PUT THAT MOTHERFUCKING TOWN BACK WHERE IT BELONGS, YOU COCKSUCKING SQUAREDANCERS.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 5.5
Look for Herm and the crew to tie their first 11 games and then back into a nice, Top-10 draft pick for 2009. You heard it here first.
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
Four bits of knowledge that will make you appear familiar with this team, plus a bonus:
-The city of San Diego is renown for its excellent zoo and large volume of secondhand pussy that couldn’t cut it in LA. The city is also home to a plethora of U.S. military bases that protect our freedom and stuff.
-Contrary to popular reports, outside linebacker Shawne Merriman didn’t tear his knee ligaments in action. Rather, he accidently raped his own leg while watching the first half-hour of the 1995 film, Higher Learning.
-Head coach Norv Turner was the surprise hire of 2007, but he would later shock the coaching world. He took the Chargers to the playoffs with an 11-5 record before showing the entire NFL that he actually does prefer to be called “Norv.”
-Chargers’ sixth-round draft pick DeJuan Tribble has been described by teammates as “soft, small, and gentile, and as producing a soothing purring sound”
-Ladanian Tomlinson is the consensus No. 1 pick in fantasy football this year. His durable frame and quick feet are in stark contrast to Megan Fox, the consensus No. 1 pick for fantasy anal.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 10.5
It’s not a matter of IF, but WHEN the Chargers will lose to the Patriots in January.
You’re still here? Do you really give a shit about this team?
– Jay Cutler has diabeetus. But he checks his blood sugar. And checks it often.
– Before this past offseason, Brandon Marshall once cut his hand on a toaster oven after a angry discussion that began with an excessively hot Cherry Pop Tart. In fact, many of the appliances in Marshall’s home meet in the living room on Tuesdays for group therapy sessions.
– Head coach Mike Shanahan has been with the Broncos for so long, the Denver Post has a historical back page feature called “Before That Rat-Faced Fuck Ran John Elway Out Of Town.”
– The city of Denver is 5,280 feet above sea level, and roughly 7,000 feet above reality.
– Selvin Young hopes to rush for 1,000 yards for the first time in his career this season. “Selvin” is actually Nubian for “hopes to rush for 1,000 yards for the first time in his career this season.”
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 7.5
Denver should challenge for the AFC title, but they’ll need to score more points than the other team in about 12 or 13 games. You don’t get this level of analysis anywhere else.
Five relatively quick morsels of information:
– Raiders owner Al Davis was the onetime commissioner of the American Football League, which rivaled the NFL back in the 1960s. The other former titles Davis has held include General of the Union army, leader of the expedition of the Louisiana Purchase, and pharaoh of Egypt.
– Justin Fargas rushed for over 1,000 yards last season, before the team drafted sensational rookie Darren McFadden in the first round. I don’t have a joke for that, but it’s pertinent.
– The Raiders traditionally have taken aging players released by other teams and let them finish their careers in Oakland. With the Patriots having recently adopted this trend, the Raiders have turned to a unique recruiting source: Al Qaeda.
– That Al Qaeda joke wasn’t really funny. Man, I’m getting tired.
– Upon his hiring, head coach Lane Kiffin usurped the San Diego Chargers’ title of “Most Poorly Named Head Coach.” Zing! Oh, come on, people!
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 6
JaMarcus Russell should benefit from a full training camp, but not enough to make up for a shitty defense and a head coach on a short leash with ownership. More like “ownershit.” Heh.