Ed Hochuli: Ouf.
Whew. Powered through that set.
Chad: Gotta make sure to hydrate, Ed.
Hochuli: I will.
Hey Ed. You know anything about blackmail?
Chad: Hmm. That’s too bad. [Checks heart rate on watch] ‘Cause I am in a real spot here.
Hochuli: Wish I could help. In a bit of hot water myself lately.
Chad: [Swigs entire bottle of Vitamin Water] Oh yeah?
Hochuli: Had a bad day at work the other day, I…
[Door flies open]
Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask someboddddddaaaaaayyyyyyy!
Chad: Hey, man. I’m gonna need to see a pass.
Rivers: OH, I HAD PASSES A-FUCKIN’ PLENTY ON SUNDAY BEFORE THE INCREDIBLE HOCH OVER HERE ROYALLY BUTTFUCKED MY TEAM OF SUPER SOLDIERS! BUTTFUCKED THEM IN THE BUTTFUCKING BUTT!
Chad: So, wait, where’s your pass?
Rivers: The only person worse at his job than you is Jay Cutler’s barber. I’m here to have a chinwag with my buddy Whistlin’ Pete over here.
THAT OKAY WITH YOU COCKHOLSTER? HUH? WHAT? HUH? FUCK YOU!
Hochuli: Son, I don’t know what more I do in the way of contrition. I already admitted that I was in the wrong and have faced discipline from the league. Honest mistake, I mean it. My professional pride is seriously hurt.
Rivers: I see. Okay. All’s well that ends well, huh?
Hochuli: I hope so.
Rivers: WELL I HOPE TO SHOVE THAT WHISTLE UP YOUR PEEHOLE. THE ONLY THING MORE VEINED THAN YOUR BICEPS IS THE THROBBING COCK I’M GONNA STICK IN YOUR SISTER.
Hochuli: I don’t have a sister.
River: Look…I…F-FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!
[Rivers picks up a 25 lb. free weight and throws it at Hochuli. It floats it the air for 30 seconds and Hochuli sidesteps it when it finally reaches him]
Hochuli: I don’t think this is going to get us anywhere.
Rivers: Oh it’s gonna get you somewhere. Somewhere in the ER, Cutlerfucker!
Get him, my tiny Darren!
[Dog door flies open]
Darren Sproles: [Charging at Ed] YYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAYAYAYAYAYAYA
[Hochuli stops Sproles by pressing his hand to Sproles’ forehead, holding him at arm’s length while Darren flails his arms harmlessly]
Hochuli: Is this all really necessary?
Rivers: Goddamit! This isn’t over, Hercules! YOU HAVE A BLOOD DEBT! AND I PLAN TO COLLECT! There are more midget running backs where that came from! They can fit under your bed! Don’t sleep, zebra. The jungle is fiercest at night!
[Runs out of gym, yells at someone spotting a lifter]