Jon Gruden: We got a real tough matchup here this week, fellas. These Seahawks won’t give you a goddamn inch, fellas. We’re gonna have to fight for everything we got, fellas. We’re gonna have to leave it all out there on the field, fellas. And that means cutting the cord and PLAYING SOME GODDAMN FOOTBALL, FELLAS.
Kevin Carter: Whatever. They’re the Seahawks. They fucking suck. We just lit up those Carolina bitches. I’mma cool down.
Jon Gruden: Well Kevin, that is pretty goddamn weak. That’s just what Holmgren wants us to do, fellas.. That guy is a fucking LEGEND, and he will turn up the heat on you if you just sit back and let him, fellas!
Chris Hovan: YEAHHHH I’M SO FUCKING FIRED UP I‘M GONNA PAINT MY FACE AND MY ENTIRE BACK YEAAARRRGHHHH! I’M GONNA OVERPURSUE EVERY RUNNING PLAY UNTIL I FUCKING PUKE!
Jon Gruden: That’s what I’m talking about, fellas. You see Chris’ fire, fellas? We’re gonna to have to match their intensity out on that field, fellas. And we’re gonna have to…. Hey, what’s that sound? You fellas hear something?
Kevin Carter: Yeah, sounds like a big swishing sound.
Chris Hovan: LET ME AFTER IT! I’LL FUCKING HIT IT AND FORGET TO WRAP MY ARMS AROUND IT! THEN I’LL SCREAM REAL LOUD AND USE UP MY LAST REMAINING ENERGY!
Jon Gruden: Wait a second, fellas. I know what that sound is. Oh, shit. Not again…
(puerta flies open)
Gay Zorro: Hello, my friends. It is I! GAY ZORRO! THE GAYEST BLADE OF THEM ALL!
Kevin Carter: Jeff, we know it’s you.
Gay Zorro: My friends, the people of the Chiapas Province need our help. The dreaded El Toro Rojo has ransacked their villages and robbed them of all their corn! Without the precious miaz, all the little hijos could starve, my friends. We must help them. And then we must DANCE! BAILAMOS!
(clenches rose between teeth)
Jon Gruden: Jeff, this is getting tiresome. You do this every week when you really need to start preparing mentally for Seattle. I keep tellin’ you this!
Gay Zorro: You want to let the innocent hijos of Chiapas starve? Would you deny them their very freedom, Senor?! GAY ZORRO WILL NOT! HE IS AN HOMBRE DE LA GENTE, SENOR!
(carves a Z onto Gruden’s penis)
Jon Gruden: Oh, god dammit.
Chris Hovan: LET ME HIT HIM! HE’S A FAGGOT!
Gay Zorro: I don’t expect any of you to understand. I alone carry the burden of what it means to be GAY ZORRO. My grandfather was GAY ZORRO. And my father was GAY ZORRO. And now he has passed his flaming blade onto me. Now, I must be there FOR MY PEOPLE.
Gay Zorro: And I will not let any BANDITOS get in my way! If we must duel inside the engine room of a paddleboat, we shall! If I must forcibly place my churro into your tamale, I SHALL! GAY ZORRO WILL NOT BE DISTRACTED FROM HIS MISSION!
Jon Gruden: Jeff, please stop doing this.
Gay Zorro: Jeff? Quien es Jeff? If you are not with GAY ZORRO, you are AGAINST GAY ZORRO! ADIOS, MY FRIENDS!
(flips cape, skips out of room)
Kevin Carter: I am so sick of him doing that.
Jon Gruden: I sure it’ll pass, fellas. It’s just a thing he’s going through.
(door flies open)
Jeff Garcia: Hey guys, what was all that commotion? Is everything okay?
Chris Hovan: HE’S WEIRD.
Photoshop by 289.