Song: “Bad Days,” The Flaming Lips
The Phillies are on the verge of ending the 25-year Philly title drought. It’s gonna happen! I’m so deliriously not sad that I could venture -get this! – outside the house. Look at all the cool stuff out here. Sunshine! Birds! People not conspiring to make my life miserable! Where’s all this been?
I’m almost…wait, hold the phone. The sides of my mouth, extending in at upwards angle? Can it do that? Are the legends true?
As much as I know the Rays are a tough team, recent history is on the Phillies’ side. This decade has repeatedly awarded long-suffering franchises. The Red Sox and the White Sox got theirs. Sure, the Indians the Cubs got turned back in the post-season, but there’s precedent! Sweet, sweet precedent.
C’mon Hamels! You gotta do this one for me, Chutley! I can’t go back to putting all my hopes on the Iggles. Andy Reid is trying to kill me. I have better luck with girls than he does with goal line offense. I hammer it in more often. Oh God, how sweet it will be. A title will give the lease on life I need to be such an abject pussy. It’s true! I know! But things are changing!
Goddamit Fightins’ You have to do this. DeSean Jackson is the kind of tard who would drop a gun at a crime scene. The Flyers will find a way to fuck it up. Oh no, darkness is descending again. Back in the house! Back in the house!